My W just wants to be understood, appreciated for who she is, what she wants... someone to be there for her... someone to really listen to her and understand what she wants. To be held, to have her know she is the most special person in the world to me...
Excellent, you have got some good information there.
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All of those things are great and I wish I had them from her as well. i.e. recriprocal treatment... W is very emotional. She wants to be held and comforted. The problem is she wants things that she is not good at giving either. She can be very controlling and demanding.
W wants things we all want... but doesn't seem to realize that two people to be warm and loving and comforting to each other. She just expects that she can yell at me and tell me what to do and control me and then I should then come over and hold her.
That is she wants that loving feeling, regardless of what she says or does to me - to be loved for who she is. W doesn't seem to realize you can treat someone like crap and control them, and them still wanting to give her affection.
The general theme I get from this is that you don't want to give if you get nothing in return. I completely understand this but if you don't give, how can you expect anything in return? What I mean is that sometimes you just have to do things without expectations because you love someone. Once you truly give then I guarantee that you will receive a different reaction from the one you expect.
You know that your wife wants to be held and comforted. From my woman perspective I would say she is yelling at you etc to try and get you to hold her. This may seem controlling but once you go over to her and hug her I can 99% guarantee that everything will be ok. She will feel safe and reassured of your love - now wouldn't that be worth doing instead of feeling 'right'. Once she felt that you would then get your needs met by her, instead you both seem to be at a stand-off and she has felt so unloved that she has given up and walked away.
Please don't think that I am blaming you in any way. The above behaviour from your wife probably seems completely irrational and in all honesty it is but that is how things were, there is no reason, it just is. Once you give her the comfort she needs she will stop treating you, as you say like crap, and you will create a new positive cycle instead of the negative one. It just needs someone to act differently and you, armed with your new DBing knowledge, are in a good position to be that person.
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W doesn't see that she had a role in the demise of our marriage.
W only sees that she wasn't getting the kind of love and affection she wants...
Your wife is blinded by her feelings at the moment; she will also be feeling a lot of guilt, even if she is not expressing it. That is probably why she is having such a hard time facing you and why you are not having much contact. That is why the flowers and romantic gestures aren't helping, they are exacerbating her guilt. You really need to understand that even though I know it goes completely against the grain. If you read all the situations on this board, it was once people stopped pursuing that change started happening.
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Somehow - we just need to start over where both people are happy to be with each other and both can show each other the love that they want.
I just don't know how we can re-connect when we only talk on the phone for 30 seconds a day and have no access to see each other in person... She doesn't want to come to my house and I am not allowed at her house.
Right, you know the end point, now you need to start setting some goals to reach it. What is a typical 30 second conversation? Personally I would let things settle for a little while and have minimal contact (after the emotion of the anniversary) and then start looking at how you can present yourself in the most positive way.
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Meeting her needs, making her happy, and feeling understood."
This is a really good place to start with your goals. Can you break that down a little? Maybe list 3 of her needs, or write down how she would act if she was happy/ understood and more importantly how YOU would act if she was happy/ understood. Have you read how to 'act as if'? It is a really great tool.
For a while you need to accept that you are not going to get anything back. If you really want to get back with your wife that is just the way it has to be. You are going to have to give so much of yourself for very little in return, however your rewards will come to you in other forms which hopefully you will discover along the process.
I can't remember if you have read Divorce Remedy, it is a really good place to start.
I hope this is of some help, as we work on different time zones I may not always see your thread so feel free to give me a nudge over on mine.
(((SingleDad))) you are doing really well, keep going!
