It sounds like you had an extremely productive session with your DB coach. Good for you! Discovering so many truths about yourself is exhausting but liberating in some ways. Take them to heart and apply them to the new you you are creating.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I have always been a little old fashioned, believing the man is the head of the household, men are the stronger sex, yada yada. I think I experienced some of the same thing you did, however, after I was a single mom for six years. Learning how to do things on your own, and then being thrust into sharing it with someone else can be very difficult.
But you are right, sometimes we need a little bit of a wake up call. It sounds like you are on the right path, and doing well. Do you find the DB coaching helpful?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I had a tough session with Jody last night too, so I understand how you feel. Our sessions must have been close in time to each other given where we're both located :). Jody also said some harsh things to me about how I was viewing my H etc. I guess we need someone like that to help us see things more clearly!
So what are your next steps? What else did Jody suggest that you do? Do you think talking to Jody has helped you make progress in your situation? It sounds like you certainly did in terms of figuring out more about yourself.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
You know how similar our situations are, in every way. I am a very strong, opinionated woman as well. I didn't take my H's last name, either, and he was also very hurt. It was an indication to him that I didn't REALLY want to be his family, although I very much did. I don't think it's a big deal to every guy, but to our H's, I think it was perhaps a sign that we wouldn't stick with them through their struggles.
We both have husbands that have health issues that make them feel "less than". And quite honestly, at least in my H's case, he tried hard to convince me he was "less than" as well. I had a doctor tell my H, "stop telling your wife all those negative things about yourself, because you will start to make her believe them."
I don't think it's entirely our fault that we were exasperated and scared about situations most people at the time of our lives don't have to deal with, situations we weren't in any way prepared to deal with.
That said, it's a humbling experience to learn how much we both contributed to our H's now attitude to us: their absolute devotion to saving us from them, them from us. I don't think it's good to feel shame over it, unless we can use it as motivation to change ourselves and not self-recrimination. All we have is now, and all the time in the world to rectify our mistakes with our H's, even if that just means being a good friend--even when they aren't being a friend to us.
We are the only ones that we can fix--said with love from one fix-it addict to another.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Ok, I'm a teensy bit tipsy so apologies for any spelling/ grammar misdemeanours! I don't think I organised any bbq's though this time which is good lol!
Thanks guys for all your posts, it really helped me to get it out. I suppose it is finding a balance between being the strong, opinionated, ambitious person that I was/ am (which h liked about me and fell in love with and complained that I'd changed from) and being a wife and partner. I think now the difference is that I have realised that things can't stay the same and just demanding stuff without stating reasons isn't a great way to go about things. Also, that drive helps me to not give up and to carry on with this challenge, so it has its positive side.
ITH and Lola- I find the sessions so helpful. I can't afford them that often so I just wait until I really need some direction and advice. I'd say that without them and the boards I wouldn't be at the stage I am at now which in my view is progress. This isn't just about my h, it is about me and realising that has helped me move forward.
Mishka - you are right it is so liberating and really exhausting!
TD - did you mind you w not taking your name? How did it make you feel?
Lost - every time I read your posts I think how similar we are in our sitch's and opinions. I loved our acupuncture discussion the other night :-) Everything you said was so true and helpful and I agree with everything. We are both under a lot of pressure with the added illness aspect and it adds a definite challenge to the situation. Something Jody said to me though was don't bring up the illness with them, it reminds them they are ill and makes them feel inadequate. She reminded me that I wasn't his nurse/ mother and unless they discussed it not to focus on it in anyway - just thought I'd share.
Well, I've had a really nice evening with my sister and before that a good flirt with a really hot guy at the gym which helped my PMA.
I'd say that was a challenging session and has left me with a lot to think about.
you are doing well!! I am so proud of you!!!! I love how you are using this time and this experience to look inside yourself and question so many things. !!!!!! So many times in the past months I have had to examine something I held really dear to my heart, something I felt was essential to my identity, and realized that it wasn't actually who I was, and that holding on to it was holding me back.
this stuck out:
Quote:
but I am now learning that life is about compromise and that while having ideals is great they are not always achievable - it goes back to the being right or being happy thing.
I might be misunderstanding what you wrote... but I am starting to realize that compromise is actually not what marriage is about. Everyone/everything in our culture/society says that's what marriage is, but I'm starting to think it's something else. Did you get passionate marriage yet?? David Schnark talks about that a lot... I feel like i can't explain it but if you read it than we could have many discussions
I am just so proud of you for having the guts and energy to look inside and question and make all these discoveries!!!!
I too retained my maiden name for the first few years of our marriage... and although my H said he would have liked me to take his name he wasn't angry or anything that I didn't.. In truth I changed my name before my daughter was born.
It was important to H that his child be born with his last name. He didn't want her to be referred to as "baby maiden name" in the hospital but instead "baby married name". I had no problem changing my name at that point because I told him early on in our marriage if we ever had children that I would like us all to have the same last name. I was from a split marriage so my Mom's last name was always different than mine.. and it caused confusion... anyway, I'm wondering if my H was actually more affected by this then I had realized? I too feel ashamed if I caused my H pain over this.. at the time all I could think of was why do I need to change my name.. I love my name.. and yet I was okay with the thought of changing it for a child. Why wasn't I okay with changing it for my husband? I was a fool I guess.
Sorry to hijack.. your DB coaching session struck a chord with me... so thank you so much for sharing.
at the time all I could think of was why do I need to change my name.. I love my name.. and yet I was okay with the thought of changing it for a child. Why wasn't I okay with changing it for my husband? I was a fool I guess.
W2G - that really struck a chord with me, that was exactly my thinking.
T - I am reading Passionate Marriage (interspersed with Bridget Jones which is a bizarre combination but reading thought I might get some weird looks on the train if I sat there with a copy of Passionate Marriage). It is bringing up some really interesting stuff for me, I'll note some of it down and post to you.
Still no word from h about meeting up to discuss finances, even though he said he would contact me this week. I suppose the puppy picture is better contact than finances though on the bright side. I have been compleately dark all week. I think I am going to stay that way as everytime I suggest a meeting to discuss finances I come off looking like I am nagging. I will wait and see if he makes contact next week.
Has going dark worked for you in the past? Did Jody suggest this?
Sorry that your H hasn't contacted you about the finances, but yes a puppy picture is a better contact than finances :). My contacts now are all business like, and it would be great to have something a little lighter.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
She said kind of said not to contact but again we were running out of time.
It has worked sort of in the past. When I got the second bomb back in May I went dark and my h contacted me once a week. I responded when he contacted me. It was a surprise that he did. I just feel that he will look at the finance stuff as pressure if I try and force contact. Also, one of his gripes was that he couldn't balance his busy job with my 'demands' so if I don;t seem demanding then I hope it will be a 180 and show him more of my changes. It has also helped my anxiety a lot to just decide not to contact as I now don't sit there and wait for contact. which I did for so long!
