How do you fill the love tank ?

[everhope]

My W dropped bomb six months ago and left with our two sons two months later. ILYBNILWY - controlling. On the plus side she got more affection and compliments than anyone else i know.

She's developed an EA to PA to R since she left (busy girl)

I've got a couple of threads going with more details but want some real practical advice from the ladies.

I'm a hurting DAM who has messed up the best thing that ever happened to him.

W is emotionally fairly open with me and we have a lot of contact over the kids. We have never fallen below friendly although becoming strained - mainly because i;m hurting. I could call her pretty much anytime to go out for coffee or something. Getting more awkward to that as time goes by.

What specifically can i do to get her love tank off empty ??????

All the other advice i'm getting is mainly be friendly but not interested in her. Must admit i've been doing that to try and get over her a bit. also GAL

I'm not initiating contact and trying my best not to talk R - w has recognised my changes but says it's too late for R. Can't relight the spark

Any practical tips would be really appreciated. Never thought anything would hurt this much.

Thanks

[Clayton]

I would love to know this one as well.

My approach is to try to be the guy she originally fell in love with. For me...this means being happy, fun and charming. Get some new threads and regain my mojo.

Whenever I see her, I make sure I'm on my best behavour and always leave a good impression.

I'm making sure that every single interaction she has with me is a good one...and eventually these will replace any negitive memories. This will take a while as we only see each other once a week now, but after 6mths...that would be 25 interactions. Hopefully that will be enough to get the ball rolling.

Currently I am only getting hugs from my wife. Haven't had a kiss in over 3mths. I'm way to scared to try to kiss her at this point (scared that she will turn away...or just say NO!)

[everhope]

Any ideas ???

[sandi2]

Oh yes, I have ideas.....lol. Hi, I'm Sandi. I was an almost WAW. I am so glad you came aboard for advice for your M.

I see you are familiar with the "love tank" termonology. I have read the man's material, who wrote all about that, and he and Michelle are almost alike in the way they teach....just use different wording.

First, let me say that the "love tank" represents her emotional needs in her heart/soul. As long as you are placing "deposits" into her love tank or "love bank", then whenever you do something to screw up....it is like you make a "withdrawal" from that love bank....but if there is enough in there....it will have sufficient funds. However, if over a period of time, you fail to keep making deposits of her love language or emotional needs (whatever term you wish to call it) into her love tank/bank, then when you "withdraw" by screwing up......the funds are eventually going to be "overdrawn". It works just like a bank. You have got to keep making deposits if you are going to make withdrawals. Since we all screw up and make mistakes and take our spouses for granted or get b*tchy or controlling......so forth and so on.......it only makes good sense that we need to be sure we keep up with the deposits....right? But, how many couples get lazy and stop doing that? You are correct, a whole lot of us do.

The difference here in where you are now, is that her love tank/bank is "empty"....."overdrawn" and in serious trouble. Now, the way I see it from the viewpoint of a WAW is it is too late to try to make those deposits now! In fact, she has probably closed the account out! So, what to do. You have to start over! And, you do this from a completely different POV that you "think" you should go. You do it from the DB POV. We are here to bust a divorce.......not try to fill a love bank that has its account closed out. It is like I've tried to tell LBH's that want to know how to give their WAW's their LL. Well, honey, it's a little too late for that! She wanted that when she was living with you! Not after she has left you for another man.

So, with all of that in mind......I'm going to give you this long list of do's and don'ts as a guideline. It may not make sense, but you have to trust it. Also, you must come here and talk to us every day in order to stay on the right path or you won't have enough strength and you are likely to backslide.

So, here is the list. Some of it is for those who are still living under the same roof, so you have to realize what applies to your stitch and what doesn't, but most of it does. Once you have read it and want to respond, I will be anxious to hear from you. You may want to print this out, so you can read over it often. It's not "my" list, but it has been taken as a summary from Michelle's teachings. Good luck.


1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turn the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing your spouse back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words, but don't sound rude. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill, b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[everhope]

Thanks Sandi,

Yeah i've seen that list and was doing alright till about 2 weeks ago. Think i just ran out of steam and i've pretty much made every mistake since.

I've got a thread in new comers with the history. My emotions are just ruling me completly.

[everhope]

Hey Sandi

could you read my thread in new comers "anyone got a waw like mine ?" and give me a ladies opinion

Thanks,