Today was another wonderful day with some moments that were sparkling jewels in a day of otherwise characterized by SH*T.
I believe that the little teeny tiny bit of maybe positive change from last night's phone call has also opened the door to the angry room just a crack and a little bit slipped out. I'm damned glad it wasn't a lot, a little is too much. One friend asked me why I'm angry. Boiled down it's "I'm working my *ss off to work things out, and what about my pain dammit?"
That started this morning, so on the way to work, the stereo gets cranked to 11 and I scream along with the "music". I get to work and my ears and my throat hurt, and I'm still angry. Maybe I needed to turn the volume up to 12.
Then, I get a call from the head hunter and no, I'm not going to be working from the coffee shop any time soon. This also means that I have to figure out something for the little kids to do after school gets out at 1430 and 1530. The YMCA offers after school care for the little ones at their school. That would be $800 a month for the two of them and that doesn't take care of my oldest daughter, yeah, and I have that sitting around like I have a hole in my head.
Then, to compound things, someone forgot their phone at home and so instead of calling for goodnights stopped by the house. We didn't fight or argue. Everything was perfectly cordial and I hated it. I wanted a hug so very badly, I just don't know if asking for one is smart. I still waited by the car while W ran back into the house for something. She broke off the interaction, and I had definite needy tendencies. I hated it. I hate me for wanting anything from her, for needing anything. Why can't I have a heart of stone, of steel, one that doesn't feel?
How can I be so angry and hurting at the same time.
I'm not doing well this week. It seems like life is swinging wilder, higher highs and lower lows. I almost bought condoms the other night, you know, just in case. I didn't, but, it scares me that I was thinking about it.
There is no outlet for this fury inside. There is no outlet for the pain and emptiness inside either. Rather, there are outlets, but, the cost is too high.
Maybe I should get the docs to prescribe me a bunch of anti-depressants so I don't feel. Seems to work for W.
