I too retained my maiden name for the first few years of our marriage... and although my H said he would have liked me to take his name he wasn't angry or anything that I didn't.. In truth I changed my name before my daughter was born.
It was important to H that his child be born with his last name. He didn't want her to be referred to as "baby maiden name" in the hospital but instead "baby married name". I had no problem changing my name at that point because I told him early on in our marriage if we ever had children that I would like us all to have the same last name. I was from a split marriage so my Mom's last name was always different than mine.. and it caused confusion... anyway, I'm wondering if my H was actually more affected by this then I had realized? I too feel ashamed if I caused my H pain over this.. at the time all I could think of was why do I need to change my name.. I love my name.. and yet I was okay with the thought of changing it for a child. Why wasn't I okay with changing it for my husband? I was a fool I guess.
Sorry to hijack.. your DB coaching session struck a chord with me... so thank you so much for sharing.
