Healing my Heart 4

[fightingirish]

Hello, Yes Im here, very scared to be here, worried that I will have some back slides...

Hi Dr. Love and Jak... Im here with you. Hoping to meet some new friends.

Well Tried to send H some video/pics last night and they wouldn't go thru.. he sounded very dissapointed.

He will definately be out west til at least next wkend. I really have to stay focused. Today is school shopping for S5, and blood work for me. Tomorrow is my first girl's night out in over a year. Im really looking forward to it.

[Dr LOve]

Welcome TAL....

I was not ready to come here when I came. But I looked at it as POSITIVE THINKING. Getting rid of the negatives.....

Where "out west" is hubby?

Dr LOve

[Rob1231]

TAL, Don't sweat it - EVERYBODY is scared of "jinxing it" by moving to Piecing, and also EVERYBODY has backslides from time to time. We're all only human, right? Keep on DBin'!

[JAK58]

Hi Hon,

Glad to see you move over here but I think that you do belong here.
Have some stuff to share with you.

JAK

[fightingirish]

Thanks dr.,rob and Jak..

But I think I jinxed myself. Had a pretty good day with my mom getting school clothes for Christopher, then H calls all in a bad mood. Say's he didn't get all of my "pictures etc" and he was actually mad. I can't even believe this guy. Then he says he doesn't understand why I sent him a cookie with Happy birthday written on it, he says to me " I don't need something like that" and that "he doesn't ask for much" WHAT???????? He's freakin messed up.

Here we go again, well after that conversation, I didn't even want to be out anymore, just told my mom I wasn't feeling well, So we just came home. Just ruined the whole rest of the day.

He made me feel so badly. I don't know guys, im at a loss. Its like he wants me to suffer because he's out there working and he must think im here having a big ole party without him. Im getting really tired of the crap. If my little one was in school, I would just get myself a job and move on. This is the point he gets me to, all to frequently.

[Rob1231]

So H has backslides too....

TAL, a lot of the journey of DBing is about learning to be happy for yourself, by yourself. That's the whole GALing/PMAing side of it. It's not that you WANT to be alone - it's that you learn not to hang on every word of another person for your own joy - particularly when that other person is sick/confused/MLCing.

Here's a challenge for you: The next time something like this happens, I want you to say to yourself "It's a shame H is being such a glum loser. Oh well - that is HIS problem and I am not going to let it ruin my day!" Then go out with your mom (or whoever is handy) and have a FANTASTIC day! (I know this firsthand is not easy - but trust me, once you start doing it - it gets much easiER!)

[fightingirish]

rob,

I know your right, I just don't think i Can do it. Im a very sensative person and I get on the defense really easily. On top of all the stresses we are going through right now, the one person I thought I could depend on would be him, and its just not so.

I did this to myself. I blindly keep on going on like things are going to change and they just aren't. being a SAHM makes it 10 times harder.

I think he has other issues he's just not dealing with, and I certainly don't know what to make of it.

Hey he will be in Ohio in September, maybe you can "smack him out of it"...

Oh, Dr. I forgot to answer you, he is in Utah.

I did start writing a letter to him, and sara would not approve, its just a bunch of emotions that I had to get out, I may or may not send it. at this point I don't think I have anything to lose. Im sick of Pussyfooting around issues with him to make sur I don't scare him away, but enough is enough. He's going to have to swallow hard on this one. The worst he could do is leave me. I don't care anymore.

[Sara]

Don't send the letter. The worst he can do is leave you. That is bad when you have 2 small children.

[fightingirish]

I know sara, And I've already thought about that, that's all I think about, but can I continue to be held hostage by him? He doesn't care, nor does try to even be remotely sorry for what he says and does to me.

He doesn't want to change, I don't know what else to do to wake him up.

[fightingirish]

well H just called to ask me if we still had health insurance.. which he knows we do, he got chemical in his eyes again. Both this time and with force from a piston that knocked him over.

I can't believe this. I told him I hoped he was ok and to call me when he gets to the hospital.... when it rains it pours.