He is so new into the MLC that he cannot connect very well with anybody in his family right now.
It is better to let him be and carry on. I know, it gets to you but it is the only way.
The more we kick and scream and shout, the further away they go at this particular stage.
It will be awhile before he really reconnects with the kids, esp. your daughter.
Hang in there, think about you and your kids. You have plenty to do at home.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Treese, I'm sorry you are still down a bit. Sometimes it helps to voice your concerns to your h. That's okay, but be careful that you don't do this every time you see or talk to him. If you do, he will definitely avoid coming around when you are there.
Remember, you are not his mother and you have no control over what he says, thinks or does. You only have control over yourself. In his eyes, you are an authority figure who is always pointing out what he does or doesn't do (just like a mother or a father would do).
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My h was the same way with our kids. They distance themselves from everyone even their own flesh and blood. Give it **** (time), I didn't want to say that nasty word, but it is the truth. Evnetually he will crawl out of his hole and begin to make the connections again.
I dont post to you really, but your last few posts felt like it was me saying the same stuff. I have been going through the ups and downs for a year and a half now. It is very hard to NOT do what you feel like doing. It sucks. But what are we to do....Maybe you should read the book Im reading "Love Must Be Tough"....It is helping me tremendously. My H OW dumped him, but she still caters to him, cooking, washing his clothes, that sort of thing....I feel rejected once again, that even though they arent together, he still chooses to be with her just to hang out.
SOrry to vent on your thread, but I know we will all get to the place we need to be, soon...
Take care
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Treese - I got your TM last night when I was unable to reply. I was only out long enough to get my D15 to the urgent care clinic for strep throat, and I don't have cell service at home.
Try to breathe. It is odd that she waited this long to ask for support. Do you know why now??
It might be time to talk to someone about protecting yourself financially. You definitely do not need another thing to worry about, and I know this is huge.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
okay...so after reading some other threads, I realize I just made him feel more guilty....geez....I don't know if I'll ever get this....it just festers inside you then H calls at the wrong time and says the wrong thing and I was set off.....darn it....I didnt have a chance to count to 10....
Maybe not always answer the phone when he calls. It will avoid moments like this. You will get stronger as time goes on. I know how hard it is to be mom and dad. I think all of us know that all too well.
YOu only have yourself to depend on and you have to be strong for your kids.
Hang in there.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Hi All........Late breaking news.....not good....but here ya go...
I got home from work yesterday....went for the mail...looked through it and what did I find.....and envelope addressed to my H from the bureau of child support.....the mother of his "love child" has filed for a paternity test and child support.I could see throught the envelope..I didn't open it....I was numb....I couldn't move....I started to cry.....I immediately called my H to tell him what he got...he didn't answer...I waited a few minutes called back...he answered...
Me: Guess what you got in the mail? H: What? Me: you have been summoned to court for a paternity test and child support? H: Really.....I'm in a meeting...I'll call ya back.... Me: hung up...
I thought to myself wow...this didn't even affect him at all...WTF? He called back 2 hours later....yep....I would have left that meeting in a hurray...he just didn't want to deal with me...once he finally called back this is what happened....
H...so now what's this I got? Me...she's going for child support.... H...yeah....well...it is what it is....so insensitive to how I might feel...
OK...this is where everything I have learned and you all have told me went right out the window....I'm sorry but I was so angry and hurt....and ticked off that it didn't bother him at all...
I told him all the bad stuff...."I loved you from day one...you have no idea how bad this hurts....it's one thing after another....and he said, "that's why we need to move forward with the divorce"....I said fine....I will take you for everything you have and he said, "I don't have anything"...It's not like I make 10 millions dollars as a basketball player...the judge isn't going to give you as much as you think he is....I have to live too....at this point I knew I was talking to the air...he didn't shed a tear...didn't even flinch...said...he cant help the way he felt that that's where he was in his life...that he wasn't in love with me and I need to move on...of course I told him his kids feel like 8 years of their lives have been stolen from them, that they lived a lie for all those years...he said, "Treese...in the end I'm still their dad"...
I told him how much I hated those OW...and he said they are not monsters....I said well the mother of your child who is supposed to be such a good person just filed a suit against you...."yeah well....I knew eventually it would happen..."Treese, I feel so relieved to get this off my chest"....I said, "at the expense of your family"....
Of course I was crying...but did not beg, plead for him to come home because quite frankly....I don't want him here the way he is now.....
He continued to tell me that we need to move forward and get out of limbo and work together....I said, you can work with my attorney..then he tried the guilt thing on me and said, "I thought the kids were the most important thing to you and now you will be taking money from them"....
My H took a different job in his company....took a huge pay cut...and now we will have to pay for this other child....
I told him had he come to me 8 years ago and told me he knew I would not leave and he knew I would still love him and I would have worked at bringing that other child in to our lives....he said, "who said I wanted to stay with you then"....OMG....I just ended telling him that I felt like I was going crazy....and he said, "u already were"....I turned, said a few choice words, walked in to my house and closed the door.....and cried, and cried, and cried....
He told me he's not coming home...I said, "Never"....he said, "No"...and I believe him....we're done...
I finally left for a little while...I had to get out, I had to take a drive so I did.....I came home got in to bed and cried....tossed and turned all night....sleep...what's that....
H goes for the test on 9/3 and they said it would take weeks for the results....weeks of agony...and then when it's done....more pain....why do the people we love the most have to hurt us so badly....I know I threw the guilt on him but how much more can I really take....I'm getting blows from every direction.....It hurts.....I'm moving on....
I told H to do what he needs to do....he said we need to work together on this, "I said, I don't want to work with you"....I finished with I will always love you....when I'm 80 years old I will welcome you home.....
he also told me that I am stronger than I think and I need to stop crying....
But....I need to go to an attorney....I need to file....I need to protect my kids.....will she get child support before my kids...will he make out better than we will?? Someone tell me what I need to do....I'm scared, alone, and we don't have the money to fight....
If he doesn't have the money to get an apartment now...how will he have it to get one after the divorce? Am I screwed? Will I have to sell my house?..what is going to happen to me and my children?
It's time to give him what he wants.....I can't fight it anymore...I'm not strong enough...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Oh Treese, I am sorry. You are hurting so much. For now do not make any decisions. Let your mind take in what he said and is happening, then when you are calmer go get advice. You have been separated for some time now have you already seen a lawyer just to see how things stand. I have no knowledge of US laws they seem different state to state. The paternity is your h concern try not to worry about it too much. After all this all happened 8 years ago so all your worrying will not undo it. I know it hurts and like me you were together a v long time. I have no idea why theses things happen but they do so take care of you and your children for now thats all you can do. Worry about the financials and the house after you get the information. I lost my family home and hated it but I got a smaller house and I am quite settled now. It does get easier.
