Well not a huge update but I guess my hubby was busy all day yesterday and that is why he did not text. Kinda weird but at least we got in contact today. Our counseling session is going to be on monday so while I wish it was sooner at least it is schedualed.
So we were talking today a bit and things were going well. Just chatting. I asked him if he wanted to hang out or just wait to see each other on Monday (obviously wanting him to help make plans to get together soon) however he said he figured we could just wait until Monday But then he said "but that could just be my lethargic depressed state talking" Whatever the heck that means. So I said "ok whatever you think is best" and he said "ok" and then I asked about Monday. I actually needed to know whether we were planning on hanging out because I might have to go into work later in the afternoon. So I asked him if he was planning on leaving afterwards or spending the day together and he said "we can hang out but I probably won't want to spend the whole day there" which hurt my feelings obviously. I wrote back and said "I thought we were having fun" and he said "we are" and I was like "well then I don't know what to say. It just hurts my feelings when you don't make an effort to see me especially since we are not going to see each other until then. I just feel rejected." and he wrote back "that is making an effort. I might feel different that day but I might not" so I wrote back "You're right, I know you are making an effort. And I am thankful. I guess we will just have to wait and see. I just miss you sometimes." and then he wrote back "I don't know why" and I was like "?" so he said "I don't know why you miss me somtimes" and I (kinda annoyed at this point) said "Sometimes I don't know why either. . ." and he said "I knew I wasn't crazy" and I wrote back "Debatable :)" because I wanted to try and lighten the mood before I pushed him too far.
The conversation turned for the better and we were joking around a little more before he said he had to get back to work. I said "ttyl then" and he said he would talk to me tomorrow since it would be past midnight when he got off work so he said goodnight. I wrote back goodnight and then he wrote goodnight again. . .not sure what that was all about.
So now I am mixed up, hurt, and confused. I know things are going in a positive direction and that I have nothing to complain about but sometimes I just get frustrated. I don't understand why he does not want to get together before our session. That is almost a week away and it has been a few days since we have seen each other. I would be more understanding if he was working a lot or had stuff going on but he is not working and I know that he has nothing going on at home because he tells me that he just gets bored a lot. So if he is bored at home and can admit that he has fun when we are together why would he not want to get together? Grrr!
The other thing that drives me nuts is that just a week or so ago he told me that he missed me too so why is he questioning that now? When we are getting closer than ever?
I know he was tired and he told me that he was in one of his "moods" when he gets down and depressed. So not a great combo to be asking about getting together but still. . .I just don't get it sometimes.
So I sent out a few texts to friends and am trying to make plans so that I have something to go out and do each day to keep my mind busy before our session together. I also have personal stuff to do (see above posts) I just need to get out and do it now!
Alright well if anyone has any advice or insights (would appreciate a mans point of view on all this madness) that would be great!
That "just wait until Monday" line sounds exactly like one my H used when I'd first moved out and was still in Dublin. (It's so much easier to give advice on someone else's situation than to see your own clearly I guess!) I wouldn't take this to heart too much, even though I know how painful it is. At least he scheduled the C appointment, and this is what really matters, and this is a really good sign. He is saying he is depressed, and my guess is he doesn't want to be this way around you, that he doesn't like the way it makes him look to you, and he probably feels guilty around you. He wants to see you when he feels he has something to give.
So he wants to hang out but not spend the whole day. Again, this is exactly how my H was. He was fine for a couple of hours, then it was as if there was a shelf life on us being together. He starts to shut down and get really uncomfortable. My guess is that your H too knows that he can only deal with this for a short time before starting to feel pressured somehow, even though you are obviously not intending to pressure him. He probably feels that he cannot think clearly when you are around, but this doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy being around you.
At least your H said he was making an effort (even though you already know you shouldn't have sent that text!:)). Again this is like something that happened to me when I was being over eager. I had said to H, "at some point you're going to need to be able to be around me for a day. I'm your wife". This was very bad too, but he said that he was trying, just wasn't there. Now you know your H is trying, so please don't mention it again or he may start to panic and push you away. He doesn't know why you miss him because, my guess here, he doesn't feel like a whole person who can contribute to the marriage. Maybe it would be better to try and move toward showing him that he can be around you and not need to be happy and have fun, that he can deal with his own issues and you can be supportive without making him feel like he needs to give more yet (again not suggesting you're pressuring him). Maybe if he feels that way, he will feel less threatened about moving back in with you. Also glad that you lightened the mood with your texts, sounds like that might have worked well.
Your H is probably getting bored a lot because he's feeling depressed, and doesn't know what makes him happy. This is how my H is too. It doesn't mean he doesn't like being with you, but he's still confused (my guess), and he probably doesn't yet feel like he can open up to you completely without feeling really guilty. He probably sees it as work to try and keep up a somewhat happy face while he's with you, and he's probably aware of your expectations--even if you don't voice them. Hopefully you can use the C sessions to help him feel more comfortable, and remove some of that pressure.
Like you, I'd love a man's point of view on these situaions!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I know you are right. I need to back off and I should not have sent that text...but you are right in that it did end positivly and although I feel a slight pull back it is only temporary. As I am typing this post we have been texting back and forth for a little while. So we are still fine.
He does get moody from time to time and I know he was really tired (which is usually when the moodiness sets in) and in the past we always had problems with that because I would take it personally and get hurt or annoyed. He could be a little depressed and that could be hurting us too. I'll have to ask our counselor about this and see what he thinks.
I am just getting too impatient. I should be thrilled with the progress thus far and while I am it just reminds me how much further we have to go.
Ok. Time to stop complaining! I gotta get busy today.
Hi Daisy...let him come to you...you know he will. Just back off for a bit and like you said go out and spend some time with your friends and forget about your rotten ole H.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
OK it's only 8 AM here, but I think I deserve a margarita anyway! I can serve up some Polish vodka too :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Today I'm just kinda bummed. My hubby and I did not talk very much yesterday and I'm still annoyed that he does not want to hang out until Monday when we have our counseling session. I just don't get it. It was a week ago when I saw him and we had an amazing date and were really happy together. I just want to know what is going through the boys head! It would make sense for him to be hesitant if we had not had a great time but that is not the case and he even said the other day that we have a good time together...
I know he is just confused and is taking space and I am trying 100% to respect him and give him that space because I know it will be better for us in the long run but it's so hard not to go looney!!!
From someone who would now love to be anywhere near her H, please look at the positives here. As Jody said to me, focus only on the positives, no matter how small.
You did talk to your H yesterday, even if it wasn't very much.
Remember that often the WAH pulls back after he has gotten closer. He told you himself about being in a depressed mood. Depression does weird things to people. I am now speaking from experience. Jody suggested to me that when someone is depressed, it is a lot of effort to even make contact. Now if he is even slightly depressed, you are the last person he will want to be around right now, as he doesn't want you to see him that way, and may also think that he can't give you anything, can't offer you anything at the moment.
Monday is only a few days away. On Monday you will have a better idea of what is actually going through his head, provided he can be open in counseling. I would say to also be prepared for the fact that after this potentially emotional experience, he won't feel like hanging out for very long. You are making real progress though, and if you can deal with these small setbacks, I predict that things are going to be positive.
Sorry that you're feeling a bit down, but maybe just try to set yourself some personal goals for the weekend. Could you do something to pamper yourself this weekend, a pedicure, a pint of ice cream etc.?
All the best, ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
But then he said "but that could just be my lethargic depressed state talking" Whatever the heck that means. So I said "ok whatever you think is best" and he said "ok" and then I asked about Monday. I actually needed to know whether we were planning on hanging out because I might have to go into work later in the afternoon. So I asked him if he was planning on leaving afterwards or spending the day together and he said "we can hang out but I probably won't want to spend the whole day there" which hurt my feelings obviously. I wrote back and said "I thought we were having fun" and he said "we are" and I was like "well then I don't know what to say. It just hurts my feelings when you don't make an effort to see me especially since we are not going to see each other until then. I just feel rejected." and he wrote back "that is making an effort. I might feel different that day but I might not" so I wrote back "You're right, I know you are making an effort. And I am thankful. I guess we will just have to wait and see. I just miss you sometimes." and then he wrote back "I don't know why" and I was like "?" so he said "I don't know why you miss me somtimes" and I (kinda annoyed at this point) said "Sometimes I don't know why either. . ." and he said "I knew I wasn't crazy" and I wrote back "Debatable :)" because I wanted to try and lighten the mood before I pushed him too far. 
Thanks Jen! I will! Margaritas all around!