Fear is a terrible thing. Today, I meet with the law guardian for the first time. Please pray for my children. I started reading Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce: The Sandcastles Way. Thanks for your support.FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I started reading Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce: The Sandcastles Way. Thanks for your support.FIB
Great! I doubt your W will concern herself with researching and learning what kids go through, but it is awesome that you are on it.
Shortly after I filed, I went out and got "Helping Children Cope with Divorce" by Edward Teyber. It sure gave me a heads up on some of things to be aware of. Most importantly, separation anxieties, reunification thoughts and feeling responsible somehow for the divorce. Just last week, S7 was talking about not wanting to get a new cat because if we did then mom would not come back. I had to tell him firmly that mom is not coming back regardless. I worry about him, but I think he has accepted it.
Does your state or country require parenting classes? We had to take 4 of them over a month period and even the kids got to attend their own age appropriate classes. It helped for them to understand more about what divorce is about. The program was called "Kids Turn".
For any followers who still have 'hope' for me...who still believe......I can tell you that should just be here to see how all this pans out, and, of course....I still NEED YOUR SUPPORT at times.
My W has become nonchalant...and cheerful.
She appears resolute.
I have no bearing on her life.
At least, for now, there is no hostility. She requested Saturday for S7s BD party and I will have him and the kids Sunday night. When I told her, after my sis said I couldn't have it at her house....that it would be at ours..she got incensed. "So...you're throwing me out of my house?" I spoke with my older sis who told me we could have it at hers.
The above is a forewarning for those who still feel "at least she is still in the house with you...I'd give anything for that."
Think.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Still here FIB. Sorry I missed your call - football practice and all, you know?
Just figure out what it is that FIB is going to be happy doing for the forseeable future, okay?
Sometimes I think we put too much emphasis on money. Perhaps easy for me to say since I rarely have a lot. But your greatest role for the next 15 years is DAD. Whatever will pay your bills and make it possible for you to be the best, most present Dad you can be...well, that seems like the avenue to head down.
And don't knock peace at home, regardless of why it's there. The peace, for however long it lasts, is far better than the attacks and accusations.
Perhaps she is preparing herself as well for the future. Maybe she is beginning to think about life without you and without your home. Maybe for the first time.
I hope the two of you can find your way through the hurt and pain as the months unfold. I hope you can find a way to care about each other as the Mother and Father of your children, someone we would never want anything bad to happen to for our kids sake.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
KerryK..thanks for coming aboard. I hear you. Sounds like you and I had some common decisions to make.
It is still hard to accept at times...even the thought that I am the filer...that after telling my W that I would never destroy our marriage, that, I started the process. But, like Frank_d, my W was destroying my spirit.
I meet with the law guardian today for the first time. I'm scared, but, it is something I am required to do. So be it.
To Bill...thanks for coming by. The way I am now with my job..I am miserable. I need my office manager..but she disrespects me and sometimes I think SHE is bipolar. The new job, although will keep me away during the day...would eliminate getting called out in the middle of the night...allow me to come home on a Friday and be left alone until Monday AM...and..it may actually make me stronger in front of the judge (if I get the job). In reality, the likelihood of me getting full custody, IMO, are pretty low....being a man and a professional in the state of NY. We'll see.
Please...wish me luck...and a prayer for my family. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Just came over to see how your meeting went but maybe it hasn't taken place yet.
I know that having this meeting is scary thing for you, but once this is said and done, at least you'll know where you stand. None of this is anywhere any of us ever wanted to be, so we just have to be strong and prepared to do whatever it takes for our kids to thrive. I'm not sure if I missed it but are you going for a 50/50 split on the custody? If that's the case I'm sure that you will do everything possible to make that time special.
I often think that as hard as it may be, until we lead totally separate lives, anykind of real healing is impossible. I know that when ex was still here the rejection and utter disregard for my feelings (and my childrens feelings for that matter)was like picking at a scab, my emotions were all over the place. The worst of it was that I spent a good part of everyday just hoping and praying (in spite of the person that he had become) that he would wake up. When we first separated it was hard, but I got used to it and could even breath easy knowing that I was no longer responsible for making a grown, and very unhappy man happy. We both know what a useless waste of energy that can be! My point here is that this awful situation that you have been thrown into is made worse by the fact that you are living this reminder day in and day out. We weren't meant to live with this kind of sadness and stress, not for any length of time anyway. With time it will get easier but even more important you will be happy again!
As far as your kids go, I don't think that it's possible to ever tell them too much how special they are, and how much you love them. Whatever happens you will always be their Dad and that's something nobody can ever take away from you! By the way, you are a great Dad!
Bethie...that was a powerful post...and you are 100% right. At times, even tho' she filed a false police report, I find myself stuck on a fragment of hope. It really isn't there. She is resolute now...even found out yesterday that SHE made the appt. to bring the kids to the law guardian.
To Kerry....the LG is an attorney....for the children. They used to be able to make recommendations to the judge, but, now they just present evidence. I went in to the meeting..trying to be limited...and just reply to questions..but..the atty sat there with a pad and wanted me to explain why the full custody and explain the psychological stuff. I found myself tellng her all the incidents from the past...and....I hope it didn't work against me...I got emotional when I told her the story about my W putting the ring on my finger in front of S7...and then she renegged. She seemed most bothered by my STBXW's change in religion and flipflopping between a cross and a star. I also told her that..without going into details...that I would change my job and throw away my career to find a better one with more time for the kids.
Funny thing...at the end..she told me that she was confused by this because:
My W told her what a great guy, husband and father I was. When I showed shock....I said told her how much anger she had and she sad my W said nothing about that.
Perhaps they told her to remain cool and calm and now I LOOK LIKE THE EMOTIONAL IDIOT?
Frank_D...you know me now..what do YOU think?
Finally, as things become more clear..it's funny how we hold on to little things and change things into positives....babysteps...when they really aren't.
Eg, I've festered here about why...why..my W still has all her wedding photos out on her dresser top. Why? Hope? Babysteps? Confusion? Why is the photo of us running in the sand along in the beach in gown and tux at sunset...still up?
No..it's not babysteps, hope, confusion, etc. I know you will all jump down on me for this...but..I understand now. It's a form of punishment...or hurt..to inflict on me.
No...I am not paranoid or anything else...just seeing clearer. I believe that is why.
Finally, I received a message to call this CEO...returned the call expecting to hear a 'sorry but we're not interested'. He called me back on my cell....all POSITIVE.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Perhaps they told her to remain cool and calm and now I LOOK LIKE THE EMOTIONAL IDIOT?
Frank_D...you know me now..what do YOU think?
You're an emotional idiot. You love your kids.
You probably came across as a man who has been through a lot of abuse by his W, and she as a woman who has no conscience. Remember, these people have seen it all.
