Now why doesn't that surprise me coming from our resident fiery red-head?
Yeah she is a small one, she is almost as tall as her brother but is 6 lbs lighter! She has been really enjoying watching the olympics.....saying she wants to go to them and starts jumping off coffee tables.....lol
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Well I will ask a question especially if TD is listening as well. I am struggling with the contact part. Going dim/dark isn't going to work because she will think I am just being passive-aggressive or sulking. The flip side is she is going to think I need her if I am initiating all the time. I like TD's theory of being her best friend but it's kinda hard when I don't see her or we don't have real dialouge. So how do I proceed?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, I think you're sitch sounds a lot like lola's.
I tried to go dim with my XH but I couldn't seem to do it well. Having a 6YO doesn't make it easy. I contact him much less now but I know he still finds it a little excessive so I really am trying to cut down even more on the calls and texts. I think it also depends on the topics that you bring up. MY XH will talk and joke with me but I better not ask any questions or come across as controlling because then he shuts down.
If you think going dark would be damaging to your sitch then don't do it. It's not for everyone. Dim however is a good option because it doesn't mean you can't contact her. You just do it lightly and not very often.
How often do you communicate with her and what types of things do you talk about?
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I think the important thing about going dark/dim is that you don't initiate contact, or very little, but when there is contact, you act as if, stay upbeat and positive...like nothing is bothering you.
You can go dark/dim without it coming across as sulking, or being passive agressive. It's more about how you act when there is interaction, then it is about avoiding all interaction.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
How often do you communicate with her and what types of things do you talk about?
Since she started back to work, Asst Princ, and the kids back in school its just business related: kids, money, coordinating stuff. We were going to MC until three weeks ago then she became too busy to find time to go. We might exchange a e-mail or two during the day and I will call her in the evening. But nothing "real." I have all the DAM qualities that helped me get here so I know not to fix her. She filed D papers and now the clock is ticking. Right now we are communicating about custody. I have been communicating with Cookie alot, she has been a godsend to me. I want to be in the friendship stage, feel a lot of hostility still directed back at me (stage -1). So I am trying to melt a iceberg with a pack of wet matches. Take all the help I can get.
Last edited by Coach; 08/21/0807:55 PM.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Maybe you can write down things you've done in the past that didn't work and look at little ways that you could change them. You don't want to change her. You want to change yourself and hopefully be the catalyst for changes in her.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I am working on me. That's where SC has helped. I am alot like her and then her WAS perspective is invaluable.
I'll work on a list and post it. The board will keep me in check. Where is lolas thread?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I am not very familiar with your sitch, but I think Jen has given some excellent advice. I think a lot of it has to do with the content of the contact....if it is light and upbeat and presented with a PMA, then that is good. Of course R talk is completely out. I would initially have any contact on a different focus....children.
Just be prepared evalutate you tact....you don't want to head down cheeseless tunnels. Show her through your tone and attitude that you are doing well and can be a friend....validate.
I would need to know a lot more before saying much of anythign else, though I would think with 3 kids there should be plenty of opportunities to DB
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
