You know how similar our situations are, in every way. I am a very strong, opinionated woman as well. I didn't take my H's last name, either, and he was also very hurt. It was an indication to him that I didn't REALLY want to be his family, although I very much did. I don't think it's a big deal to every guy, but to our H's, I think it was perhaps a sign that we wouldn't stick with them through their struggles.
We both have husbands that have health issues that make them feel "less than". And quite honestly, at least in my H's case, he tried hard to convince me he was "less than" as well. I had a doctor tell my H, "stop telling your wife all those negative things about yourself, because you will start to make her believe them."
I don't think it's entirely our fault that we were exasperated and scared about situations most people at the time of our lives don't have to deal with, situations we weren't in any way prepared to deal with.
That said, it's a humbling experience to learn how much we both contributed to our H's now attitude to us: their absolute devotion to saving us from them, them from us. I don't think it's good to feel shame over it, unless we can use it as motivation to change ourselves and not self-recrimination. All we have is now, and all the time in the world to rectify our mistakes with our H's, even if that just means being a good friend--even when they aren't being a friend to us.
We are the only ones that we can fix--said with love from one fix-it addict to another.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
