I'm so sorry to hear this, and I know it feels like you've been punched in the stomach. I've been there. At least you now know the TRUTH, and can fight for your marriage with the best strategies and tactics.
Michele's book does have a section on "Infidelity," and this by no means your marriage is over or that there's nothing you can do.
You do need to decide how aggressively you want to fight to bust up the affair, versus a more passive, pure-DBing approach. The former worked for me, but it's not for the faint-of-heart.
I wondered where you went and what was happening, now I know.
As far as your H goes this is very normal behavior for anyone in his shoes. Remember I mentioned he will have a sense of loss when ending the A with OW? This is one of the results. The thing you need to focus on are the things you accomplished to draw him back. Kee p doing what you have been doing all along and try to identify things that you may have done while he was home that you could have done differently. Stay the course, work on you, GAL and keep moving forward.
I have changed jobs since I last posted so my contact info has changed, let me know if you want it.
Was it really me that drew him back... He said he came back to try for the kids.....
I cant think of anyhting I could have done differently... everything was like a honeymoon.... the only thing i asked for was telling him i needed more reassurance from him to help me heal... otherwise i didnt press the issue
i reread the section about after the affair when the spouse wont quit... it doesnt help me.... what do i do now
YES IT WAS YOU! Without a doubt, there are other factors, but you are the glue to the whole thing. Believe in yourself and what your desires are. Confidence is very alluring!
You continue to focus on you and the kids, in that order. You develop a patient, caring but distant attitude in regard to your H. Give him space, he knows he is screwing up, he knows how this will affect his family, his rights, his time as a Dad. He knows it all, at the moment he thinks running from the issue is the answer, he views it as the easiest way for everyone. What he doesn't realize is a D makes nothing go away, the contact with kids, family, in-laws, mutual friends, all of it never ends.
His running back is very typical, his comments to you are written over and over on this board, they are "text book" responses to similar situations.
Keep your focus on YOUR desires, don't worry yourself with what may or may not be going on in his head. There is no way you can know. Take great pride in your comittment, your dignity and your character, these are the things that will pay huge dividends moving forward.
Hugs to you Sandy, I know these are difficult days.
San, I am new to this and posted my story only 2 days ago. My story is about trying to repair the M after I had the affair... but as I have been the other woman who gave up the affair , I can tell you it is very very hard as the A is often made up of what you did not get in the marriage ... BUT it is rarely strong enough to sustain a lifelong commitment. The A is a relationship built on deceit and a very shaky ground. To me ( and I thought i loved the man whom i was having the A like I had never loved before ) it would never have survived the turmoil of D.
Do not give up . I believe whether it is 1 month, 1 year or whatever your H will come to his senses and see the OW is not what he thought. How could they trust each other anyway. You must be patient and strong and show your kids courage. I say let them know you are hurt and sad but not to the extent that you cannot function. Be brave and I think doing waht every one says - GAL will exactly what you end up doing and he will see the attractiveness in that. ( If only i could take my own advice some days ... I know it is so hard )
My fight is for the family and marriage. Just one day once my husband left me ( a year after discoovery ) a light went on for me. My husband decided he could not live with the lies anymore and made a decsision. I felt that decision and having been fighting to save the M ever since.
