Hi Cinco...I am sorry I didn't get back to you before now.
I hope things are still looking up for you and W.
I know you were expecting this, so I will just go ahead with it...
Cinco, what you are describing is exactly what my ex-h and I used to do over and over. We would reach an impasse, we would realize we needed help, we would both go a little bit crazy at the thought of possibly ending up divorced (sad, scared, panic), and then....we would (in a burst of love for each other) suddenly "make up" and be happy and elated that we had once again averted disaster and divorce. We would, like you, claim that we "didn't need counselors" and that we were just fine, as evidenced by the plentiful love we were both feeling at the time.
The only problem was, we really DID need help from experts. We just didn't want to FACE those experts and actually go through the hard work of being completely honest with each other and fixing our issues together. We wanted magic and loving feelings to take all that away from us so we could just live happily ever after.
One might think that the desire to live happily ever after would be enough to make it happen.
But it doesn't...Cinco, and you know it.
Maybe your wife continuing to read SSM will cause her to internally make all the changes necessary and you two will never need counseling. But Cinco, how likely is that? Can you try to really see this for what it is? Your love for each other is grasping to keep you two together - which is a GOOD thing - but your egos, fears, and inner issues are causing a TRICK of your minds, so that you will not look too deeply within.
Looking within, though, is the only way you two will make it. You must look within, realize why you cheated, realize what will make sure you will never cheat again. She must look within, realize why she allowed you to stray, examine if she really does want to try to increase her libido or not, and then do the hard work to execute that answer. Having counselors to help us do these things is a GOOD thing....not something to be avoided.
But Cinco...I don't mean to nag you. I just simply wish that in my own marriage, my ex-h and I had had the courage necessary to TRULY fix our marraige, instead of just wishing it was fixed. Do you see that difference?
Good luck darling and we will support you no matter which way things go.
It's just that fear of revealing me to her or anyone else that scares me so much. If she truly knew me (the way I was), would she want to have anything to do with me? Would anyone want me? I've done a complete 180 from the way I used to be and I really don't ever want to look back. I want to live life from this day forward as the new man that I am. Why open the skeleton closet and rattle around things that never need to be known? I scared myself enough with them, why scare her too? I have left them behind, erased them from my mind and I'm ready to live life to the fullest and in a positive way now. I can look inside myself and know who I want to be and how I want to live my life from now on.
Until she is willing to go to MC on her own, I can't force her to go. It won't work under coercion. So for now we keep working on ourselves as best we can.
DQ, I know you are trying to get me through this and make me see how to go through the fire to get to the other side. It would be a dream come true if I could get to the level of happiness you are now experiencing. I know I can get there. The sad question is if it will be with my wife or someone else. I want it to be with her but I can't force it on her.
I do understand that, Cinco....oh how well I do understand it. I never understood the need to come clean to my ex-h either. I told myself that my issues were mine, it had nothing to do with my marriage, that I was just a loser/addict/whatever I told myself, that it was all me, not him....this is how I absolved him from any guilt in the marriage in my mind, so that I could take all the guilt onto myself. Therefore, I was "bad" simply because I was a horrible person, and it had nothing to do with my marriage.
But...how healthy was that for my marriage? Did I actually protect him from anything, or did it only serve to keep him in the dark concerning the truth about his side of the problems? I effectively enabled him to continue to do his half of the problems because I didn't want to confess to him what I had done. And also....I felt that I had very serious issues and concerns with him, which would be "wiped out" if he knew the truth about my indescretions. So how could I be honest?
Do you see the circular thinking here?
NO - you can't force the MC decision upon your wife...but you can make a boundary and enforce it. It would either be her decision to join you, or to accept the consequences you placed in your boundary.
All I can tell you, is that from my own very painful experience, ending up divorced, is that IF WE WOULD HAVE AT LEAST TRIED COUNSELING, in an honest and open format...then our marriage may have had a chance. Without counseling, we were doomed, and that's exactly how it played out.
In my current relationship, part of the reason we are so happy is because we have been to counseling together and we are always willing and happy to go again if we need it.
Thanks Cinco for your reply. I didn't want to thread jack Dance Queens thread again So I am thanking you here.
Thank you for reminding me that you have been in my Husbands situation and that if I remain positive and keep showing him the love I have for him and keep showing him that this change in me is real and is here to stay. Hopefully he will come around eventually.
It is so hard to be patient sometimes though.
Me:43 H:43 T:20 YRS M:15 YRS Bomb: 6/9/08 Bomb#2 7/6/10 Served with papers at work 7/13/10 DD:14, DD:11
Shelby, I hope that he will see how you have awakened the desire you have for him now. He does not know what is waiting for him once he makes up his mind to ML with you again. He will probably wonder why he hesitated for so long too.
Happy Anniversary Shelby!
Maybe tonight, since it is a special occasion, he will give you your chance to prove yourself to him once more.
Wednesday D was at band rehearsal so over dinner I had time alone with my wife. I asked her if she had finished reading SSM yet.
W - "No, there just hasn't been any time this week. This is worse than 'hell-week' (in Oct. homecoming, talent show and band competition all in the same week). Is there a surprise ending or something?"
In her defense it has been a busy week. D is in the top band and in addition to marching practice she has had rehearsals to play the convocation of the new teachers in the district. Also add the homecoming mums that W is working on. They start on the mums very early because so much work goes into those things (it's a fund raiser for the band).
Me - "No, there is no surprise ending. Part IV is about working on this together. Just read it when you can, it's so important for you to read and understand parts I & II. We'll get to part IV when you are ready."
The good thing is that we were about to talk about it without getting angry at one another as usually happens when the topic of our SL comes up. We did have some good hugs and kisses with each other too. Her hugging now feels genuine and warm instead of mechanical and all let's-get-this-over-with. It's a small positive change I am seeing in her.
What else can go wrong? I just found out yesterday that the job that I have held for the last 19 years is going away in about a month. The prospects for finding a good job to replace it are not very good around here either. Sure I’ll be able to work but it will be for a lot less money. Why did this have to happen now?
The worst part is that I have already told my wife the bad news just in time for her birthday that we were to celebrate tomorrow. I sure do know how to spoil a party. I could have at least waited until next week to break the news. She is already threatening to get a job in retail now. We'll never get to see one another if she works odd hours like that.
I am trying really hard not to let the negative thoughts take over. All I can see is a big black cloud on the horizon and no place to hide from it. Maybe when we get through this crisis I will see something good about it. For now I feel like my life is crashing down around my feet and totally wrecking the positive progress we have made towards recovering our marriage.
Tomorrow I am giving my wife the ring to replace the promise ring that was lost long ago. I hope that it will still hold the meaning for her that I wanted to show her with it. I am afraid that our current crisis will over shadow it and the meaning will be lost while we are worried about other things.
God please allow her to see that I love her and want to be with her always. Allow her to have trust in her husband again. God give me the strength and courage to make it through the troubled times ahead of us. Make our marriage a strong, healthy and loving one.
I only have a moment today but I had to offer you sympathy and support. I know it must be really scary to think of being jobless!
However....lets just all pray and I know something will turn up for you soon. Stay as positive as possible, dear! Just put it out of your mind until after the birthday!
Next week, you can develop a plan.
At a minimum, you can get unemployment until you find a new job, right?
And also, it may be good for your wife's depression for her to get at least a part time job.
In any case, WE KNOW you can recover from this...just stay focused on the positive and He will help you...
I only have a moment today but I had to offer you sympathy and support. I know it must be really scary to think of being jobless!
However....lets just all pray and I know something will turn up for you soon. Stay as positive as possible, dear! Just put it out of your mind until after the birthday!
Next week, you can develop a plan.
At a minimum, you can get unemployment until you find a new job, right?
And also, it may be good for your wife's depression for her to get at least a part time job.
In any case, WE KNOW you can recover from this...just stay focused on the positive and He will help you...
Part IV is about working on this together. Just read it when you can, it's so important for you to read and understand parts I & II. We'll get to part IV when you are ready."
I could have at least waited until next week to break the news. She is already threatening to get a job in retail now. We'll never get to see one another if she works odd hours like that.