The Four Phases of SSM Recovery

[Bagheera]

And if spouse doesn't come aboard you can very well get stuck on serve your spouse indefinitely.

I know that's where you're stuck, hon: (((Ali)))

The HOW do you get your spouse on board part is the trickiest phase, and the most situation dependent. It's one of the most commonly asked questions here, and I've puzzled over the best advice to give going back to my Carrot vs. Stick post to NTE. For many spouses, it seems that the only thing that will get them moving is a rather severe 'kick in the pants,' an ultimatum to the effect that "I am willing to do my part (and have been, these last few months), but YOU have to do your part too, or this marriage is through."

Timing is critical, in that you must have gotten through Phases 1 and 2 before delivering such an ultimatum. Making such a statement too soon -- while you're still bitter and angry, and have NOT been meeting your spouses needs -- will likely result in your likewise angry spouse saying "Fine. We're done, then!" You have to be prepared for this as an outcome, of course, but if you've set the stage correctly, you can make it more likely that you spouse will agree to work with you to repair the relationship.

In thinking back to last year, perhaps the best indication that you have completed Phases 1 and 2 successfully, and your spouse is 'primed' to come on board, is a noticeable improvement in your sex life, quantity and quality. It won't be up to level of what you (as the HD spouse) are really after, but it will be noticeable. Why? Working through Phase 1 will make you more attractive in general to your partner. Working through Phase 2 will begin to 'soften' your spouse and make them feel more loved and closer to you than they have in years. The likely result (although not guaranteed) will be *some* improvements in your intimate relationship --> UNLESS your spouse has so much built up anger and resentment themselves that they aren't ready for the "new you" yet. In that case, keep at Phase 2 for a longer period of time, until you do see a softening in how your spouse treats you. Thus, when the ice finally starts to melt, and you definitely notice it and appreciate it, that's when it's probably time for the more serious talk.

Going by my highly scientific sample of one (1) relationship on the mend....

-- B.