It was quickly obvious from the above that dim/dark wasn’t the best approach for my sitch. The next day I was on this board and read the success story from Diehard. I was truly inspired because he preached the best friends approach. I really felt like I had hope again after reading what he went through. I also felt I would much rather be her friend than anything else….and I am supposed to be her best friend. Also this fit a lot more with my personality and it rang true to me. I accepted that I might experience more pain than if I chose another path, but I knew at the end of the day that I would be doing things from my heart and would have selflessly given my all. I also read up on Real-Giving and really started to take that to heart. I also felt it made a lot of sense. I felt if I had taken the advice of those that said to let her “drown” in her own space I would be heading to D court. I knew my W well enough to know that taking this approach would have made life extremely difficult for her, she would have had a very hard time keeping her head above water, but at the end of the day she would have found the resolve to work through it and would have nothing but anger for me or at best “needed” to have me come back instead of “wanting” me to and all the resentment that comes with it.
So I decided to take the Best Friends approach while respecting my W’s boundaries and space. I did this without expectation of reciprocation and just did things from the heart and practiced “Real Giving” possibly for the first time in my life. I truly felt detached for the first time and at peace. I also felt truly confident again. I decided to be there for her. To listen to her and just do things and keep my mouth shut aside from upbeat conversation. I knew there was a lot that needed to be done around her new house. I made myself available and just did the things that needed to be done (hooking up the washer/dryer, unpacking things, straightening out things, some laundry). My W was getting virtually no help from her family/fiends. I decided I could either be like them or truly be her “best friend” and know that many would look upon me like some kind of fool. I respected her space by no overwhelming her with the help. Basically, I let her tread water but wouldn’t let her drown (i.e. let her have the freedom to prove she could do this without making it unnecessarily difficult on her). I also worked very hard on me, especially my controlling behavior and let her take the lead and worked very hard on how I presented things.
After a couple weeks of this she started to confide in me more, and I just listened reflectively. She told me how she was having panic attacks. I just let her know that I understood she was under a lot of stress and that she could talk to me about this. When it came time for my week with the kids again she opened up and said “this just sucks”. I agreed and told her she would be ok and that this is difficult for me as well. She was crying during this and all I felt was compassion. I could have had a major backslide here and pointed out why this sep was a mistake but I just let her lead the R. I truly felt sad for her.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
