A thread called "Busted"

[TwinDad]

ALONG COMES DR (4-08) - EXPERIMENTING

So about two weeks before we were going to sell our house, I started to accept that we were going to be separated. I decided to look around on-line and see what I could find out about separation. In particular I was interested in “learning” how to be around my estranged W. What was typical, what sort of arrangements were made for the kids. The whole sitch was very surreal for me. I just didn’t get it. We weren’t fighting, We were sleeping in the same bed, we got along fine. It didn’t make any sense…..were things really that bad where a sep was necessary?

I feel blessed to have found this site that day. I started reading immediately and loved the pretense that I could turn this train around all by myself. I felt this is obviously what I needed because I was not going to get any help. A couple days later I decided to go to the book store and buy the DR book and really started reading. I found it very encouraging, though I found it a little awkward trying to fit in on the boards at first. For the first time in months I felt like I had hope…I started to build confidence. I started to feel that no matter what everything was going to be ok. I wasn’t all the way there, but the crying got a lot less. For the first time, anger and sorrow were replaced with empowerment.

I had always been the “doer” in the R. I did a lot of the household chores (my W was more career driven….I was more of a 9-5 type of guy…though very successful). Everyone I talked to (her friends and family, mutual acquaintances) wanted our R to work out. They all said to let her “drown” in her own space….to let her really feel it. I must say part of me was attracted to this. A part of me said “she wants to know what it is like to be sep…then I will really show her”. Obviously not coming from a good place. Naturally, I was attracted to the going “Dark-side”. This seemed so empowering….I surely must give it a try. Following the sale of our home we agreed that I would take the kids on a vacation for a week since we were homeless for two weeks (I was going to wait until she was settled in before going to a new place….her family offered for me to stay with them).

On this vacation, I decided to experiment a little bit with going dark/dim. I waited 20-30 minutes before returning texts. I would always return one, but would not initiate aside from to respond. This seemed to work very well and as the week progressed her texts became more frequent and started to include things about her day to day activities. My self confidence soared….I felt I was already making a difference just by backing off…..duh she had been telling me this all along…..she was initiating contact (and it was not always about the kids)

Since, the dark/dim approach seemed to be working I decided to really stick to it and really apply this principal. My first day without the kids, I didn’t make any contact at all except right before bed time to say good night to them. My W seemed upset that I hadn’t contacted earlier….saying something like “I was wondering if you were alive”. The next day I was invited to dinner by my BIL’s (W’s side) ex-W and her new H for dinner. They had both been down the path of D and they were just offering company. I enjoyed the company but could tell my W was very upset over this. I retorted with, if we are sep, then I should be able to do what I want with my free time and added this was not my choice for the sep. Her response was she had pretty much made up her mind top get a D and that this was just making it clear she was making the right choice. It was clear she felt like she was being abandoned by her family in this choice and felt all alone. She had received virtually no support and a lot of pressure in pursuing this path. Perhaps going dark/dim wasn’t the best choice after all………..