A thread called "Busted"

[TwinDad]

ROLLERCOASTERS ANYONE?

With a spiteful tone in her voice, she said “This isn’t working!” I don’t think I have to tell you where this sent me…..for a loop. Fear, Panic, begging all over again. Because of the suddenness I decide to snoop a bit and discover that my W has been texting her ex boyfriend from HS excessively (about 300 times a month since bomb) and was going to his MS page a lot more than anyone elses. I decide to keep it too myself and observe through more snooping. The only thing I can say about snooping is that it has a massive impact on your self confidence. You might gain a little nugget of hope only to have it crushed by an “unknown”. It literally consumed me. I found myself completely incapable of being effective at work, literally crying in from of the computer screen for hours on end….getting it out there so I had the strength to face my home life when I was there. Lets just say I got as low as I believe a person can get and still see the light of day the next day.

The rollercoaster included high moments like taking a family vacation together and having a great time, talking about moving off together, other signs giving hope to the R only to have them dashed by discovering that while I was getting the kids in bed so we could spend some time in the hot tub, she was texting her EA. I would ride the high wave of hope when she would talk about expanding our family and moving off only to have it dashed by a mood swing or snooping. We had an offer on our home which we planned on selling and we looked at houses that only we could afford not just her….only to have her ask where I was going to live. The roller coaster was exhausting….hanging on every word, seeking hope for the R. At some point I even confronted her about the texting to a short term positive result only to have her say “I decided I am going to do what I want” and “you have no right to know what I am doing”. I tried to get her to go to counseling we went twice as a couple only to have her say “I have to want to go and I don’t want to”. I thought I had improved my smothering behavior only to take her emotional temperature every chance I could to get a ray of hope. I tried to get her to read a MC book with me. I tried to reason. I tried to get her to go to a weekend intensive therapy. To put it mildly I thought I was strong in many respects but in reality I was still pretty weak and far from being detached. Also I was very self righteous…..I admitted my wrong doing, I made changes in my life….she should do the same. I was fighting the good fight at least from a self righteous perspective. Yet another failing grade at DBing!