Another new topic! already? Here we go

[LoginName]

Just got to laugh sometimes, right? Life's a fun ride.

Here's what's going on in my world. I got tired of the lack of intimacy, the distance (emotional, I can live with the physical), and the fact that nothing had changed.

Without making an ultimatum (I wasn't trying to manipulate my W into anything, just telling her how I felt, what I was going to do - lot's of "I" statements), I told my W I needed to move on. I wasn't going to file, I'm in no hurry, but I was done, couldn't wait for her to decide anymore. Then I started (for the, what, third time?) mourning my marriage, future, etc. but felt strong and healthy doing it.

My W calls. My decision did force her to do some real thinking, about herself, and about us. Finally, she was able to tell me what was really going on inside of her (if you can ever really know). Even though she has told me over the last 2+ years that my A didn't matter, and she didn't really care that much about it, she actually was really angry at me (I always hate reminding y'all that I had an A too). Who would have guessed that my A would make her angry ? She has always had a hard time expressing anger and always feared expressing it. She expressed it though, pushed herself, let it out (I'm sure not all of it - I'm expecting more). I listened, and validated, empathized, and apologized, again.

It's more than the A, but that's the big one. I'm a flirt. I've flirted a lot during my M. I always thought of it as harmless fun, but it hurt her. I think I know better now. She brought up examples, some fair, some not, but I didn't agrue or try to defend myself. If she feels anger over something, then it's her feelings. I can't tell her she is wrong to feel that way. I've learned that feelings are like rocks hitting you on the head, denying them doesn't make them go away or stop hurting. You've got to accept your feelings, even the ones you are ashamed of, and own them and process them.

After her anger, and her self revelation, I think we are back on track to bust this divorce. I think this might have been the central issue, and now we are finally facing it. Of course, there are still lots of other issues too, but I'm hoping having this big one out in the open will unblock our progress.

For me though, I see again how my ability to risk it all, and feel that I can choose to change things, or to wait, is key. Knowing myself, being able to say that my gut is telling me I can't continue the way things were, and then trusting my gut, was and is the key. It's tricky to really know what you need, what your gut is telling you. It doesn't speak in clear English. It's easy to misinterpret and to filter it's message into something manipulative and wrong. You've got to really listen, really get down into your feelings. And then be ready to face the consequences of your decision, sometimes without understanding what is really going on.

whew. If I reread that, I'll think I'm really full of it. Oh well, the bottom line is - almost got divorced, had a breakthrough, now back on track, I think.