How to start from scratch in 12 Mos Separation ?

[SingleDad]

I truly want to meet my W's needs in a way that can reconcile our marriage. We have been speaking different love languages for so long - I do not know how to do it, especially now that she doesn't want my love. I have done so many things the wrong way.

I stated earlier that my W seems selfish and spoiled - and yes now she is fighting for herself. I do not know if that is due to her expectations or what not... But I do know that I was not meeting her needs. I think it was a downward spiral by both of us. The stresses of life overcame us. Both us us want to be loved, but neither of us are overly affectionate people... Yes I can be affectionate if someone is affectionate to me... but in the routine of life, being told what to do, etc. that affectionate feeling diminishes - and over time spirals out of control.

At this point I do not know what to do. My W is done with me and does not want any pressure from me to get back together, does not want me to work on our relationship, etc. So if now I do what she wants - let our relationship die - we are through. If I do the opposite - If I tell her I love her, that I've made mistakes, I want her, etc. it pushes her away.

I wish we could just start from scratch without any history, without any bad feelings... W just won't let me in.

"Meeting her needs, making her happy, and feeling understood." - That is all I want to do... yet the bridge is burnt and there is so little communication. She is so angry and withdrawn - she won't let me near.

Today is our 4th anniversary. I do not do this generally - but since it is our anniversary I felt it was important to break all of the rules and tell her "I wanted to wish you a Happy Anniversary. I love you. I have always loved you. But I loved you in my own way... which is not the way you wanted. I understand now. I just wish I was given the opportunity now to show you my love the way that you want it... I wish we could spend maybe a couple of hours a week together"

- I know this is contrary to what she is telling me - and most will tell me that yet again I am not listening to her. I agree - It is our anniversary - and I had to just tell her I love her.

Now I will go back to just listening to her and doing what she wants (not to the point of being a doormat) and trying to understand her - As Dr. Harley recommended to me.

It would be so much easier if my W was simply conflicted and needed to know I was listening and understanding her and satisfying her needs - then I could learn to follow steps. But now that she is withdrawn and angry and doesn't want my love (or claims she doesn't) it is so diffficult.

Deep inside though, I have to believe that she wants our family together - If I could just be the person she wants - A warm, affectionate, understanding person who really listens to her and satisfies her needs.

That is why I am trying so hard - or wanting to try so hard. She did love me for many years and I believe she can again if I could just listen to her and understand her. But I have to get through her hardened heart first.

Suggestions welcomed...