If you chase him, he'll run. The more you hold on tightly the more he'll try to break loose.
Here's an experiment....
For the next 2 weeks:
1. Stop chasing/pursuing. Don't text/email/call him as much. Only communicate about absolutely necessary matters: finances, children, etc. Your decreased initiative will get his attention. As you take off the pressure, he'll be able to think more clearly. Let him initiate the conversations. Give him space to think.
2. Don't talk about your relationship unless he brings it up. Stop trying to convice him to get back into the marriage. When he does talk about it, dont try to argue or prove him wrong. Just validate what he's feeling and listen.
3. Do something for you. They call it getting a life. Enjoy your life again. He won't be attracted to a needy, sad, desperate women. Join a gym, take Karate, take Yoga, take up painting, start going to church etc. IF you are strong and confident and attractive, he'll notice.
Hi Rob - Thanks for advise. I dont feel I am in early days as the first discovery was 4 years ago. It has only been 4 months though since i came clean. Perhaps he is in early shock with that.
I am really responding to your previous statement:
Originally Posted By: max030
He returned home for 6 weeks and then 3 weeks ago decided to leave again. I am DEVASTATED.
Sure, the M has had problems for a long time - but in terms of trying to work on it "in DB terms" you are just getting started.
Originally Posted By: max030
it seems the harder I try in marriage the further away he goes. I need to get him to a position where he believes the marriage and family are worth fighting for. Once i am there I am prepared to do all that it takes to rebuild trust etc.
That's a tough one, I know. You need to guard against "pursuing" behavior - chasing after him right now, while he is still confused and hurting, is likely as not to cause him to withdraw further. Give him space for the time being.
Originally Posted By: max030
As I live in New Zealand i cannnot get hold of the Divorce busting books although i will try Amazon.
I'll bet you can get ahold of DR, either on Amazon or through this web site (link at the top that says DB Store).
Originally Posted By: max030
Meanwhile i need some direction.
The best thing I can tell you right now is, Don't Panic. Read through the situations of other people here on the site and you'll see that you are not alone, and learn more about how to handle this.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Hi Thanks for that. Yes have ordered all books through Amazon. Looking forward to reading them. Yes i was a very strong confident women in the past and am presently reduced to a needy sop.
hi - Ok thanks for that. I needed a plan. I think i get a little confused with communication. I have a small business with which H helps on a late night due to some unsavory teenagers that hang around. I dont want that to stop but do you think i can continue this and use it as am oppotunity to see that I am GAL ? Even though i am not. I do avoid conversations on marriage all the time - to the point of hanging up on the phone because I dont want to hear him say that it is over. So thats easy to avoid. Will keep updating through next 2 weeks. Think i will organise a star chart for myself HaHa
Do what ever you need to do to help you get through this. I didn't see how I was ever going to go a day without talking to my FH. It is hard but if it stops me from hurting myself or our R more then it is all worth it.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
If you have something in common together, like a business, that's OK, as long as you don't pursue ot get into relationship conversations.
It's a good opportunity for him to see the changes in you.
And the "get a life" stuff is very important. Do it, primarily for you, and it will help you take the pressure off. Give yourself a 2 week mental holiday from this crisis.
It has been nearly a week now and I have kept communication to minimum and have not discussed relationship.
Thing is he seems happier than ever ! It feels like I have given up on marriage and he is enjoying not having the pressure tothink about the family and relationship.
I dont want him to think that I dont care but oddly enough as days go by I feel more inclined to let it go. This i think is just the reprieve i feel having not to think about my loss.
what is next step after the not talking about relationship and keeping some distance. Do we start to create new happy times and if so do I wait for him to instigate them or should i start phoning and texting him again ?
If he is seeming happier then keep on doing what you have been doing this last week. Give him space.
Sounds to me like your H has a lot of thinking to do for himself after all that has happened.....and really you owe him this time to get himself sorted. Don't you want him back with his head screwed on right and with a new sort of M?
It has taken years for your M to get to this stage.....it will take a while to sort out. One week of changed behaviour is nothing. You were right in an earlier post when you said you could have years of a good M together in the future.....so build the foundations of that R solidly now....take your time and deal with things correctly.....don't just plaster over the cracks......and don't revert to the pursuing behaviour of just over a week ago that had both you and your H in such a mess.
You may not feel like it particularly...but YOU ARE making good progress.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
what is next step after the not talking about relationship and keeping some distance. Do we start to create new happy times and if so do I wait for him to instigate them or should i start phoning and texting him again ?
It's too soon to start your pursuit at this point. Give him space to breathe. Remember, at least 2 full weeks of pulling back.
Remember right now you are toxic to him. You cheated on him and then you reverse gears and chase him like crazed, clingy banshee. You seem like drowning person and you nearly drowned him. No one wants to jump back into the water with a crazed drowning person. It's not attractive. Show him you can swim an be stable and "together".
Wait until you get the Divorce Remedy. Read it thoroughly.
Right now the only thing on your mind is "getting him back". If that's the number one thought in your mind you will always be pressuring him in your actions. You need to be a whole, happy and complete person without him for the attraction to re-spark.
Since he's not the one who had the affair, it's OK for you, in some sense, to give him assurances, etc. But you need to be in a place where he's willing to talk to you. Right now he wants space.
As I mentioned before. He needs to know the relationship with OM is over. And a non-contact letter to the OM, which is shared with your husband is in order. In sddition, you need complete transparency with your phone logs, text messages and emails. I don't know the best timing for this.
Hi Dq - Thanks for your reply. My friend whose husband I strayed with does not know the extent of the affair and I have put much distance between us. She would like to be friends but I cannot out of respect firstly to my husband and secondly guilt. We live in the same community which begs the question should i move?
Quote:
The only 3 people who know are myself , my husband and the Man in question and he thinks my husband does not know. Although my husband does not want another sole to know , he is tormented with the thought that this guy thinks he has one over him.
The less people know, the better. It makes re-integrating into a social circle easier. Your husband's pride has been deeply hurt. In ancient cultures, the man whose wife cheated on him was often ridiculed publicly as a "cuckold". In some cases the couple decides it's best to move to a new town/city to avoid contact with the OM/OW.
The only thing that will satisfy your husband is no-contact with OM or his unsuspecting spouse. Are you in contact with either of them now? If so, end all contact.
