Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

I've been in terrible shape these past few days. The other day my D11 had a total meltdown about H. She sobbed for 45 minutes that she hates him, that she wants to kill him, that if he loved her and us, he'd live with us. Shortly after that, H stopped by to say hi to the girls (as they has been away for several days with gparents). He came right in the middle of D's meltdown and 10 minutes later he had calmed her down--and then he left and we had dinner.

Later that evening, I (stupidly) lit into him in an email about how upset she was, how upset I was by the things she said. He (predictably) said she was just overtired from being away. He rapidly dismissed the entire episode.

So that has left me squirming--the things D11 said, H's dismissal, my repeated need to go down cheeseless tunnels, wanting a response from him that he'll never give.

Plus--tonight Hs parents, cousins and aunt are coming to his apt to celebrate my D11's upcoming bday (she will be on vacation with me for the actual day). As immature as it is, I feel horribly hurt and left out. It feels like they are all just getting on with it, forgetting about me and supporting H. I have been part of his family for 20 years and now they're just all proceeding without me and no one cares. I know it should be about my D's bday and not my feelings, and that makes me feel even worse--selfish and immature.

So I've been sobbing on and off since the middle of the night. I don't know how I let myself get back into this place and it's scaring me. When H first dropped the bomb, I was a mess, then he left and I felt much better for weeks and now I'm back to being a wreck.

I guess the bottom line is that I feel like I can't get past being told by H for years that he adored me, loved me, all that--and then--boom--he doesn't love me anymore, can only be happy if he leaves me, and has been feeling this was for much longer than he's let on.

I can try to dismiss it as MLC, I know it's pointless to torture myself by re-living it over and over--and yet, that's what I'm doing. Because of my personal past (father who committed suicide when I was 6 after treating me like his adored, golden child) it's all just too resonant and painful sometimes. I have deep, deep feelings of being not-enough, of being a disappointment, etc--and all the GALing and positive steps I take can't really ever erase that feeling.