Well, I ran into her in the driveway as I was leaving. I told her in a week or so I'd have some money and I'd give her some to help her on her way.
She went on about how she has nothing, but YOU get to keep the house and YOU keep the Prius and YOU are taking the kids away from me! You get to tuck them in every night and I don't see them. D13 thinks I abandoned her!
I tell her that I hope I can keep the house, and there is no way I am keeping the kids from her, I've told her over and over to come see them any time.
I point out that after she announced she wanted a divorce in January, I still kept paying for the house and the Prius and she didn't pay half like she should have.
She says "Well I own half of everything but you get to keep it all because YOU paid for it! You always get everything you want"
I said, "No, I don't. I want my marriage to work and my family to be together and I am not getting that right now"
Then I said "If the Prius is important to you, then take it. It really doesn't matter to me"
She says "No, I'll keep the minivan because YOU pay for the Prius."
I told her again, just leave me alone and I'll fix the financials. And again reminded her that she broke our agreement.
I finally left her, told her I was going to an AA meeting (I was) and I'd be back in an hour or so.
It's amazing that she thinks that we'll be so much better off if we sell our house. Totally wrong. She has no clue about basic economics and is desperate for money.
She could live here with me peacefully but she chose to screw another man. I don't think he's a 'soulmate' but it doesn't matter. She did it and this is the consequence.
Just leave me alone and let me do the work I have to do.
It never hurts to be prepared legally. And it takes a while to find the right ethical lawyer that is not a blood sucking shark.
My brother never saw it coming. He came home from working away on the weekend and his W and evil MIL had cleaned out the house and taken the 2 year old boy away. My brother had no idea where they had taken the boy and it was not until 3 months later that he had a one hour supervised visit.
I can say that my W did threats of how she was going to find a rich boyfrind so she could buy the best lawyer. It was those threats (along with exposing the kids to her A) that scared me and I ended up finding one of best lawyers in town. It turned out that her threats were empty threats and she had no intention of filing.
I told my lawyer of my cousins strike fast and hard recommendation and he said we would act quickly but be friendly about it since children were involved, but if she created trouble we were prepared to strike hard. He setup all the preliminary protection so W could not run off with the kids or clean out the bank accounts. He said that I had an excellent chance for full custody. About a month after things settled down from her receiving legal papers, she did admit to me that I had gained strenth and she respected that. We then went through several months where reconciliation seemed very possible and I had the lawyer back off and we delayed as long as possible.
You are getting good information when she talks about what she thinks she has against you. But I doubt there is anything serious there. So you fell back and drank - how would they prove that your were a danger to anyone? And her saying she would have your daughters testify against you - well that right there shows a terrible character flaw in her by wanting to turn your own daughters against you. I hope she does not continue with that attitude because that violates one of the worst parenting mistakes you can make with kids when you are divorced - alienation of the other parent.
Frank, another thing to consider if and when she settles down some is to ask her if she is willing to see a mediator. That could save your family a boat load of legal fees. My lawyer gave us a very good mediator who we saw and it was nice to have both of us in the room with a neutral party.
You also may consider legal separation if you want to try living apart for some time with the hope of reconciliation.
You are getting good information when she talks about what she thinks she has against you. But I doubt there is anything serious there. So you fell back and drank - how would they prove that your were a danger to anyone?
She couldn't. I don't rant, yell, threaten, argue or abuse the kids. I just fall asleep after eating whatever I find in the kitchen.
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And her saying she would have your daughters testify against you - well that right there shows a terrible character flaw in her by wanting to turn your own daughters against you.
Thing is, if you read my post from 2 days ago, it was MY D17 who told me to kick her out for my own sanity. Don't you think they'd be 'scared of living with me?'
After a lot of thought and discussion I think W is just scared. I've destroyed her fantasy life. She has $150 in her checking account - what kind of lawyer can you get for that?
Her Dad won't give her money and I don't think her mom would either.
Her boyfriend ain't in love with her from what I've deciphered in her words - he's a bed buddy type boyfriend and I think he's as screwed up as she is. He isn't going to give her money.
Her best friend is a whack job, and has no money.
The SMARTEST thing she could do is listen to me and stay out of my way so I can have 2 months of no drama to rebuild my life because I'm really good at what I do and people pay a lot for it when I can DO the work.
D17 comes home a little while ago. She's angry about life. She starts yelling at me about stupid stuff and I tell her that I don't appreciate her tone. Then she starts crying.
I go to her and put my arm around her and ask her what's wrong. She says "I miss mom".
I told her that I miss her too. She gets angry at me. I said to her that one of us had to leave because I wasn't going to live with her dating and carrying on.
D17 says, 'yeah, I'm the one who told you to kick her out'
I said that I was already at the point where something had to give, it wasn't because D17 'told me' it was because it was time, and it was my choice. And she had crossed my boundary by being with another man.
Then D17 says "Mom says she isn't dating anybody and just because she didn't deny it to you doesn't mean she IS dating. She says you're just over reacting!"
Whhhhaaaaaatttt???
I didn't know what else to say, and D17 said she didn't want to talk about this any more. I almost told her that 3 years ago she was in a full blown love affair.
This really hit me hard. Was I wrong? Is W really 'innocent'?
But WHY, when I asked her to deny that she had had sex with this guy she was silent? When I asked about the 'relationship' all I got was "It's not what you think it is" but no explanation as to what it IS.
I TOLD her that since she broke our 'no dating no sex' agreement she had to leave. She never said that she didn't break the agreement. She just kept deflecting it onto me instead. And if she DIDN'T do any of these things then why did she leave?
What is she telling D17?
I'm sure that I'm right, human nature is to defend yourself when you're innocent. She is not innocent.
After my H's A....long after things seemed to have settled....my eldest went completely mad out of the blu and did so much damage throwing crockery and glassware around she damaged not only that stuff but we also has to have the kitchen floor replaced.
She was 15 and couldn't voice EXACTLY what was bugging her. She has been so good and so supportive through all the affair crap.....and then months later that. She is honestly the most even natured person usually.
Ride the storm and let some of this just wash over rather than blaming yourself for every little thing.
BTW - you are WAY too hung up on what your W thinks/ does still for someone who is done.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
The SMARTEST thing she could do is listen to me and stay out of my way so I can have 2 months of no drama to rebuild my life because I'm really good at what I do and people pay a lot for it when I can DO the work.
I do so hope things do settle down so you can focus on the work. Taking care of the immediate financial situation is most important. Just know that a few years down the line, you will dig yourself out of this hole and be prosperous. It is only money and you can always just earn some more later.
So your W is really scared and has hardly anyone to turn to other than you. I suppose it would be analagous to her jumping out of an airplane a while ago and now finally realizing that she has no parachute and the ground is quickly approaching. What is her future? Can she get a higher paying job? The cost of living is high in socialist run southern California. She probably is not in a well enough mental state to find herself a sugar daddy like my W did. But my W went the route of Anna Nicole Smith and got herself a rich senior citizen from her hobby - bar flirting.
