Just stopping by to say hello. Great news on sorting the Council Tax out- I know what you mean about admitting H no longer lives there; I was the same about getting mine discounted, but pleased to have done it now.
I LOVE the idea of spending the extra on something entirely for you!
Just a quick question for you, you'd mentioned that there was a group of you on FB. Do you all use your existing profiles or have you set up different profiles specifically for this? I can just imagine someone writing on my wall about my coaching session or something and my H seeing it on his newsfeed :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Thanks! He does see my current profile, so I guess an alias will have to do :).
-ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I feel very confused at the moment. It doesn't help that I have a long weekend looming in front of me with nothing planned and am not quite sure how to be constructive about it, especially as when I have enquired with friends and family everyone is already doing something. Also the knowledge that my h is going up to Yorkshire to visit his family depresses me as I used to love going up there and wish that I was going up with him.
I had my telephone coaching session last night. It was good, although I wish that we'd had a bit longer. I told her all about the decorating weekend and she said I had done really well. She really liked that fact that I didn't go out to the shed and produce the work bench for my h. She said it's strange how sometimes we women think we are being helpful when actually we are unintentionally diminishing our h's manliness. She said that I could now allow myself to feel encouraged but to carry on having patience as I need to concentrate on being in stage one and not trying to jump ahead of myself.
I don't think I am going to explain the next bit so well. I told her about him sending the two emails about the puppy to my maiden name and my married name account. When I explained that I had always vehemently wanted to keep my maiden name she said it shed a whole new light on why he did that - unfortunately she didn't elaborate as we were running out of time but basically she asked me why I had wanted to keep hold of my maiden name. I explained that my family has always been so important to me and in my head I had been Julia (maiden name) for 25 years and would find it really hard to change and I didn't want to change.
She asked me in which way my h and I would have felt married if I hadn't taken his name (or had taken it under duress) and we weren't having sex. It was a harsh but true statement and has really made me think. She asked if I felt like his wife last June and I thought about it and said no, I felt like his carer. That was also a massive part of my identity crisis last June and why I started pushing him away as I didn't feel like a young carefree 26 year old, I felt like an old person, a nurse/ carer and I didn't want to be that. I just didn't know the appropriate way to get out of that situation and I made some major mistakes in trying to do so resulting in this now.
In fact, I don't regret that any of this has happened. I think it needed to happen for me to wise up and grow up. I'm not saying I was stupid or young or anything before, I just didn't understand what being a wife meant. This goes against my feminist principles of not having to fit into a particular role but I am now learning that life is about compromise and that while having ideals is great they are not always achievable - it goes back to the being right or being happy thing. While I was in the position of having to do two jobs last year, looking after my h to try and keep us afloat I'm not really surprised at my reaction last year, although I don't justify it as right. And, although I wish my h had been more understanding and not just given up, I understand why he did as he was going through his own stuff too. I just wish that we'd shared it together instead of letting it pull us apart.
I'm not going to dwell on this stuff, I need to move forward but it is quite good to get some perspective on my feelings and how I came across to my h and also to try and understand how that would have affected him. I think it will help in my future DBing. I came away feeling quite ashamed of myself, but it has really made me think what I want now. I would be proud to call myself Julia (married name). I now understand that letting go of my maiden name is not letting go of me it is embracing the next chapter in my life. You know, even if I had to go back to using my maiden name now I could never go back to being that person and actually that is quite refreshing. I don’t know if any of that makes any sense lol!
And Jody said to me last night that I have pushed over the first domino in that day with my h.
Sorry for rambling, it has really helped me to 'talk'.
(((everyone))) P.S - sorry for not posting to others much lately, I'll be back on it soon.
you can do all of this on your own and be proud of that!