Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[tpaschal]

Too much space? When he wants to reach out and you don't contact him out of spite is too much space, otherwise, any contact forced on your part is breaking the space he wants.

If he asked for space, then I don't think you erred. Unless he is the type of person who says one thing and wants another, but that a bit passive agressive.

By the way, giving her space, yes meant she got to sleep with OM. You are going to have to get used to that idea, sorry. Figure out if you can forgive, if you aren't capable then your wasting your time here.

I let her know I was giving her space and time, that I would be around when she no longer needed it.

When do you give up?
[censored] tpaschal are you looking forward to it?
You can give up after you have done everything you are capable of doing. When you have no regrets and your children respect your decisions.

Jack, thanks for the reply, though I saw your thread and realize you are transitioning away or taking a break from this board and may not see this. Congratulations to you and your wife for coming through this challenge, and I pray for many happy years for the two of you.

No, definitely not looking forward to giving up. And I do forgive H, or at least I try to work on that with God on a daily basis. I'm just feeling weary. Feeling that no matter what I do, H keeps slipping further away. And believe me, I know he's sleeping with the OW---he's been living with her for 15 months now. H is pushing for the divorce to be finished quickly (and though he blames me that it's taken so long, it's actually his own procrastination that has dragged it out---do I confront him with the facts about that the next time he starts ranting about the delays, or do I just let it go?), and I know through the grapevine that OW is already planning their wedding.

H rarely ever contacts me, but when he does I try to be polite and friendly, while still trying to keep some personal boundaries. Last Thurs. H texted to inform me that he would be showing up at the house in an hour or two with the handy-man to talk about the repairs needed to get the house on the market. I texted back that I wished he'd let me know earlier because I wasn't at home, wouldn't be home for several hours, and the alarm was on. He texted back that I could just give him the alarm code and change it after he left. I did not answer, because I did not want to get into a long discussion about why his irrational behavior is the whole reason for setting the alarm when I leave. Yesterday he texted that he would be meeting the handyman at the house tomorrow. Still didn't ask if it was okay with me, or if it fit into my schedule, but hey, it's progress!

I guess when I ask when do I give up I mean, when he marries the OW? Cuz it's looking like that will happen within a few weeks of the D being final, which will be Sept. or Oct.

I absolutely refuse to be like the woman Cagz referred to in her post---driving by the X's house 10 or 15 years later, still wondering what he's doing. But I also don't want to close myself off to new experiences or even a new love because I'm still standing for a H who has shown NO steps back home, and may in fact soon be married to someone else.

And when I asked about giving him too much space, I guess I'm second guessing myself. Wondering if I'd been more assertive about what I wanted, or been more publically vocal about his affair (like Butterflymom), that his fantasy life with OW would have bitten the dust by now. It just seems like giving him so much space has given him the opportunity to live in fantasy land with the OW, without real life kids and real life responsibilities intruding very much.

I know in my head that it (probably?) wouldn't matter. He's going to do what he's going to do, and I can't control him. But I can't seem to help second guessing myself now that the final D date is looming. Wondering what I could have or should have done differently.

[cagzmom]

You you give up on trying. The TRYING is control and we don't have that ok?

GAIN RESPECT FOR YOU!! (that is what my sister would say). What is it that you want? the person taht he is right now? come on now!! would you wan thtat for d14??? NO!! so stop stop stop. You and i have GOT TO STOP obsessing about our ow...we have to. It is HURTING US NOT THEM!!

Neither one of us is ready my friend for another relationshp. So the relationship we need to build is with OURSELVES and that needs to start now. (this is so much easier to say to you then to take for myself...grin grin!!)

THE D -- well it hurts- yep can't lie. When I got that stupid peice of paper I was like.."Are you kidding me...this is it? after ALL those years...?" But see---we cant control any of it. The stopping or the starting. CLOSE THE DOOR for YOU -- not to prove something or to stop something or to start something...for YOU and FOR ME we ahve to close our eyes and LIVE!!

You know the truth. IF our h's or my xh came back and had really changed and really seen the light and etc etc etc...right now we would say..ok my door is open now to you. BUT THAT isn't happening right now. SO we need to close teh door FOR US!!

See it isn't to show them or to stop them...cause theya re going to do what htey are going to do... Do you see it? It is so that YOU and me - so we stop looking OUTSIDE the door, around the cracks to see if maybe they are going to give us a morsel. AND THAT JUST PLAIN hurts!!

You gotta get reading some boosk -do something with that wonderful mind of yours!! I dont know what (shoot I am tyring to figure that out for myself...) BUT IT IS time!! FOR BOTH of us...

come on now..... we can do this!!

[happynow]

Hi TP,

I've just read a little bit about your sitch & I do feel your pain & know what you are going thru. My H didn't know OW except via phone & email for 2 months. Met her on scuba diving trip June 2007, told me he wanted D Sept. 6th 2007, D final April 8th 2008, he moved to another state (TX) with OW March 5th, 2008, married OW July 20th, 2008. It hasn't even been a year!!! This OW has been M at least 3 times, chased afer a MM, now 4 to my H. He fits the book for MLC perfectly all the way back to 2005 but OW didn't come along until last summer. She sends me an email thanking me for my H & for not sueing her!! Can you believe that gall of that woman!

I'm devastated, I'm trying to move forward but it is so hard! We were so close!!! Part of me has not given up on him yet, I'm not sure why I haven't but in my heart I can't imagine my life without him.

My friend who was in town visiting last weekend said something wise. I've seen similar things on the DB boards, but the way she put it was very good.

I was telling her that I get tired of explaining my stand to people who don't understand why I would even want to stand for my marriage, and though I am making changes for me (at my own pace, which may seem glacially slow), I get tired of hearing that I need to move on.

Okay, don't look at it as "moving on." But you can't stand still. And even though WE know H is actually regressing, H thinks he has "moved on" or "gone in another direction," and it is his perception that will influence his actions. He decided he didn't like what was here, for whatever reason, MLC or whatever you want to call it, and he's not going to want to "come back" to it. And if his perception is that you are standing still, stagnating, not moving, that's what he would have to do---"go back" to something that he found unpleasant or difficult that hasn't changed. But, if you are moving forward, making your life into something attractive, he may eventually decide he wants to catch up to you again. And if he doesn't, then you'll still be attracting lots of other wonderful people.

I agree with you 100%, I get so tired of people telling me to move on & give up on him, he is my family & I can't give up on him right now. I'm working on this myself but it is very slow!!

Just wanted to say hi. I didn't mean to threadjack but I just wanted you to know we are all in this together.

Hang in there & keep praying!!
((((HUGS))))

[tpaschal]

nlt,

I know I've read your thread, too, though I don't think I've posted to you. It seems that all of us here have different stories with way too many similarities. I'm sorry that you've gone through so much in such a short time.

I'm quite sure my H will be married to the bimbo within just a month or two (or just a week or two?) of the D being final. I'm not sure it's what he really wants anymore, but I think he's too proud or too confused to put a stop to it.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to "stand" any longer if H marries the parasite. I may need to close the door completely, like Cagz is talking about, just to be able to move forward with my own life.

I'm pretty sure H'll end up regretting all of this someday, but it may take YEARS. One of my best girlfriends went through an MLC divorce at age 40, is now 52, and her stupid xh (who did marry the younger bimbo and have 2 kids with her) is just now admitting that it was a huge mistake. Too late now, buddy!

<sigh>

Thanks for looking in on me. Hope you have a good week.

[tpaschal]

Cagz,

I'm sorry I haven't responded, but I want you to know I have read over and over again what you wrote.

I'm trying to convince myself that I can do this. Not convinced yet. Trying and trying and trying.

D is looming, financials are not going my way, my L doesn't seem willing to fight for me, and H's L is a barracuda. I'm worried. No, scratch that, I'm pretty terrified.

How is it right that the laws allow this? In addition to being terrified, I'm furious.

How did you get through this part?

I'm terrified, furious, and..........sad. Heart breakingly, gut wrenchingly sad. <sigh>

[happynow]

TP,

Take it from me, if your L is not fighting for you, get another L, my L was great & couldn't stand what my H did to me & how he treated me.

I really made my H mad, but I needed to look out for me. I got the house, 3 years alimony, the dogs & he had to pay over 9000.00 in L's fees. That included my L, his L & the mediator. Get someone that will stand up for you. My cousin went thru this same thing, her H was a cop & the L was on his side, she had to do her own fighting & didn't get much at all.

I to believe the OW rushed him & it is a game to her, she will be thru with him when she finds out he doesn't have any money. She is almost 2 years older than him & had a lot of experience. I think she is way out of his league, he has even said that himself. He thought he was going to get a lot of cash out of the sale of the house, didn't happen. The only cash he got he had to pay to lawyers.

I'm like you, I'm trying to tell myself I can do this but it sure is hard!!

Hang in there!!

((((HUGS))))

[forward]

NLT, Wow, your H is certainly on a freight train ready to barrel into something. I guess this is where you have to say that it is just as well you are not on that train.

Teeps, I'm sorry about your sitch w/H possibly marrying OW. I think I need to have that attitude that that could also happen to me. Mainly I am just trying to cooperate w/divorce at this point. I am thinking of changes I would like to make to move forward...

Do the same thing regardless of whether you are "standing"--start preparing for your new life. Be friendly and kind but not a doormat. If H notices and starts to respond, OK, whatever, you can go from there. If not, you've behaved with integrity and you have done the best you could....

[cagzmom]

TP=
how did i get through it?? i didn't !HA!! i am still in it just like you (read my latest post).

this is the hardest part. you helped him get where he is. find a new lawyer -- they are way to expensive for you not to feel like you are being helped!! what state do you live in?

remember my friend we are suppose to start empowering ourselves!! what are you doing FOR YOU to make YOU stronger even without HIM??!! What are you doing for you - looking into classes? picking up a part time job? what .... see the one thing I can tell you for SURE is that the LESS FINANCIALLY dependent i became on x the better I have become. and let me tell you -- after tonight holy cow!! he is in bigger financial woes than i knew!! he owes taxes, for a boat he had repo'd and he got sued...he is like a good 30K in debt -- plus some to me. He is not sitting pretty..me? i am poor- but i dont have to have him to support me. right now he isn't paying..remember? and well God is providing. It is not pretty but He keeps coming through for me!! =)

I know you have depended on him financially and you should end up ok...but you will probably have to get a job... i know ...not what you pictured for you and your family...BELIEVE ME I KNOW!!! none of this is what we pictured..none of it!!

hugs my friend.

[happynow]

NLT, Wow, your H is certainly on a freight train ready to barrel into something. I guess this is where you have to say that it is just as well you are not on that train.

I never thought about it this way!

Thanks!

[tpaschal]

remember my friend we are suppose to start empowering ourselves!! what are you doing FOR YOU to make YOU stronger even without HIM??!! What are you doing for you - looking into classes? picking up a part time job? what .... see the one thing I can tell you for SURE is that the LESS FINANCIALLY dependent i became on x the better I have become. and let me tell you -- after tonight holy cow!! he is in bigger financial woes than i knew!! he owes taxes, for a boat he had repo'd and he got sued...he is like a good 30K in debt -- plus some to me. He is not sitting pretty..me? i am poor- but i dont have to have him to support me.

Hey, Cagz! How are you today?

I'm sick. D14 had a cold last week and gave it to me. Yuck. Last night my back started really aching. I hope it's just a regular summer cold/virus, and not the flu. I can't afford for this to hang on too long. Ugh.

Kids started back to school, which makes life less stressful in some ways, more stressful in others. After the house is on the market (repairs should hopefully be done in another week or two) I will try to start substitute teaching, and maybe that will lead to a full time job at Christmas or at least for next year. This is a very sought after district to teach in, and you really have to have an "in" like knowing someone or being a well liked sub. to get hired on.

I can totally relate to the crazy money issues. H hasn't lost his job, but his partners are of course disgusted with him, and morale is very low at his office. He keeps making comments about wanting to be out of there, and walking away from it all if he doesn't start bringing in more money. Said he was on "public trial, not just a private trial." I was like, "Huh?" He accused me of costing him patients because I'm talking in public about what he's done. I just laughed and told him that was ridiculous. This is basically a small town, with a small town grapevine. I don't have to say anything to anyone. He works in an office with approximately 20 female nurses, file clerks, billing people, etc. Women talk!!! Especially when it's juicy gossip, and they're pissed at the subject of the gossip! (Both him and the OW, who used to work there.)

H also just found out that he made a mistake in how he valued some shares in an investment, and owes over $10,000 back taxes and penalties for 2006, and will probably owe a similar amount for 2007. Great.

He's got lots of money woes. He is in huge debt (close to $150K, if you include credit cards, L costs, business loans, etc.) and is now saying that he can't afford to pay the temporary support for me, the kids, and the house until it sells. This pisses me off so much, as we had gone through several years of being EXTREMELY tight with money so that we could pay off all our college, med. school, and business start up loans, and now he's dug us in even deeper debt than ever before. I wish the money issues would bring him to his knees. Unfortunately, I think he'll file for bankruptcy and leave me and the kids lying in the dirt before anything will ever bring him to his knees.

What is up with you? How are your kids? Back in school/college?