Another one joins the flock (III)

[Mike85]

momof2girls: Your response to those who thought you were crazy is perfect. It's basically what I've told friends & family. Those people who I still count as friends are those who realize that they honestly DON'T know how they'd react in my situation and therefore withhold judgement and just provide support - in the form of dinners together, hanging out with me and my sons, occasionally letting me vent (while withholding comments), and just being there.

School doesn't start in most NY schools until two days after Labor Day. Next Monday & Tuesday I have to go in for "new staff orientation," which is funny, b/c I've been in my new building so many times that I've already gotten a lot of the new staff stuff done - already have my room keys, new ID, parking hanger, e-mail account and network login stuff, etc. Heck, I've even decorated my room already and have my syllabi done and ready to be copied.

craig: I've come to realize that the positives I've listed would never have happened if I had taken the "world's" recommended path and filed for D. I've also realized that some of the positives have directly resulted from things W has said to me - I now pay the bills and am more hands-on with all the finances, and most importantly, I finally got off my duff and snagged a much better job. I've even told W that it was our first conversation as post-bomb "friends" that spurred me to take the plunge and get the new job.

One of the hardest struggles was regaining the trust of my in-laws. MIL did not believe the sincerity of my actions for the longest time, fearing that I was making temporary, superficial changes just to keep W from moving out and that I would go "Michael Corleone" once W moved out. It took months, but my in-laws and I trust each other again, which is great for many reasons, not the least of which is that we have become a "support group" for each other. I have a therapist and this place to help me through this... my in-laws had nothing. Now we have each other.

Over time and through reflection, I've come to realize how I contributed to my marriage's state. Previously, I just copped to complacency that I blamed on us being together 20 years. Now I realize that there was more to it than that. I blew off W's repeated attempts to fill the void she was feeling through her frequently changing hobbies (heck, I even made light of her being a 'jack of all trades master of none'). I didn't recognize her feelings of inadequacy regarding her not finishing college and probably made things worse several time by joking with friends, etc. about how easy college is. I misread her complaining about my time online as merely nagging, not grasping that she was reaching out to me. I didn't show enough interest or enthusiasm to the life changes she said she wanted (more active social life, more athletics, me being more proactive in household stuff). I tried to ignore our tendency to "turtle" after work and the growing tension in the house. I ignored or misread her newfound obsession with her looks, her weight, and how other people see her. I should have recommended counseling for US months and months ago, but I stuck my head in the sand and hoped that it would all just pass.

Does any of this excuse my wife's infidelity? Absolutely not. But I can at least understand *why* she was unhappy and thought that she had to get away.

I see the quest now as working our way back - the first steps must be, and have been, taken by me. I supported her moving out and followed DB steps. The next step we have BOTH worked on - the difficult and awkward creation and cultivation of a friendship, despite her living with OM. I give W credit for doing this also, since she easily could have stayed hostile. And now, I must exercise caution and patience, patience, and more patience while I pray that W decides to open her heart further to me and us. In the meantime, I keep working on me.

The rollercoaster ride will be a long one, with no definite outcome assured, but I believe with all my heart that the possibility of reconciliation makes the ride worth it.