This could be it...

[Mojones]

I have had a few days off from work.It gave me way too much time to think.I have been dredging up old thoughts about H and his reactions, things said by and about the ow.It has been torture so every time I go there I bring myself back into the present. I prayed today to try and give my situation to God.

I am so fearful that my h will cheat again because we have not discussed what happened since he has been back home and honestly I don't feel good not having a conversation about how things happened to begin with. Throughout our relationship my husband has crossed boundaries and when I have questioned him on it he has bullied me into submission claiming that I am a jelous person. Feeling terrible for having accused him I would back down. I feel like I need to hear him say that he will not do this to me again, I feel like I need him to say that he will not do the things that lead this to happen. Another part of this is that his best friend that keeps in touch with ow has not called my h since May. I prayed today that God continues to keep this friend away for a while because I am not ready to deal with h being with this friend that he REFUSES to give up....the friend called today out of the blue. I don't know if that is God's way of telling me that I am in danger...I am always looking for God's message for me.
My H does not want to talk about ANYTHING. I feel like tonight I need to or I will burst. My heart is aching because I am so afraid to have this conversation. I am afraid he will tell me it is not worth it if I don't trust him, afraid that he will leave, afraid that he will lie to me...afraid. Sorry this is so long. I am having such a tough time tonight.