After our call ended, I started sobbing. Luckily I had counseling shortly thereafter. As I left, having spent some time composing myself, my daughter asked me what was wrong with my face, why it was so red. I said something had gotten in my eyes and had left me stuffy.
While at counseling, I told the therapist that I was emtional, that it had nothing to do with meds, etc.. and told her about the phone call. The tears kept running and at the same time all I could feel was extreme disappointment in the kids' father. While on the phone I said how frustrating it was to have to constantly say no to the kids, that the older boys needed shoes. "They should be paying for their own shoes." was his reply.
By law he's not required to support them after the age of 18. Perhaps he's going to swing his own deal with them.. I don't know. Anyway..
My therapist has an older dog who is in the room. The dog adores me and spends about half the session just licking my legs and arms. I even sit on the floor so the dog is not tempted to jump up and further injure his back.
I asked her how she thought I was doing on a scale from 1 to 10. She hates numbers like that and asked me how I thought I was doing. I decided I wasn't going to go the numbers route either.
An image came to me. Imagine a long moving sidewalk like they have at airports. When I came to her, near the beginning of the sidewalk, walking backwards as fast as I could to try and stay in the same place. Now I see myself as 25% to 30% of the way there.. sometimes standing still but moving forward, other times actually walking and going all the faster and occasionally getting stuck walking backwards. She really liked that imagery and said she saw me zigzagging. That it was all forward movement, just taking little jags on the way there.
Her comment was for me to continue to focus on healing, to do the things that work in a positive way for me, avoid the bad and negative. I told her about the two detachment sentences I'd found calming (I disagreed with the second one after talking to WTS). She told me to focus on the first... that I can be independent without him.
I also told her about my Princess and the bog story.. she said she'd like to see it.
Me and my bog.. what a life.
Thanks for being such wondrous loving people. Goodness do I find your support and caring to be so positive and helpful and healing.
*hugshugshugsbeyondwordhugs*
PS.. when I got back from counseling I talked to my daughter. I said I'd been crying earlier and hadn't wanted to upset her so I made something up. "I wanted you to know that sometimes I get sad, which is okay. I cry, but then I go on and do what I have to, keep living life. I wanted you to know that it's alright to be sad, to cry.. but you still go on and do things that are good for you, live your life."
I said that I knew she probably knew. She said yes with a little smile. I gave her a big ole hug and it was a very sweet peaceful time.
I'd almost called her right after I left the house, but figured it was better to wait until I felt more emotionally stable.
It's a constant learning curve to maintain the honesty, be the mom, let the kids be the kids. Lots of growing up going on.
