I have been completely exhausted and unable to update. I'm sorry for not commenting on your threads as well... I just feel so drained.
It's obvious that my husband and I have a HUGE communication problem. Apparently he was only joking around when he said "talking messes things up" and the comment about friends with benefits. To his benefit, we were joking around before he made those comments...
Yesterday he asked how I was and I told him I didn't sleep well. He said I should "come home" and I told him that I heard what he had to say on Sunday and going home only confuses things for me. I'm ready to make a clean break and that friends with benefits doesn't work for me. That's when he said he was only joking around and that this was a prime example of my hyper-sensitivity. I'm not doing a great job of conveying what was said.
We ended up going to dinner together. I told him I thought he was very confused and he asked if we could consider this a "separation" rather than a definite road to divorce. I told him I would be OK with that, but there was a lot of stuff that needed to be discussed, thought over, etc.
We do not communicate well at all. I'm thinking if I do decide to give this another try, RETRO will be an absolute MUST... but I still don't know what I want at this point. I'd like time to think about what exactly I NEED. I need to visualize my ideal marriage and tell him exactly what my expectations will be for the future. He still says he's concerned that he won't be able to make me happy forever.
I think my absence from home is more painful than he realized and I think he's starting to understand what a giving wife I have been.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
He MAY have been joking, but I'm not sure I buy it. He threw it out there (since he gets what he wants that way), but he did it in such a way that he can say he didn't mean it, if you didn't react "well" to it. It isn't a new trick! I can't see how a reasonable person could make a "joke" like that in your/his situation. I think he meant it, and then used "plausible deniability"!
Retrouvaille, absolutely! It isn't a terrible idea, even if you are not sure what you want, it might help you understand what you want, and whether he can give it. Maybe, anyway.
What happened to OW/coworker? If he was so attracted to her, dont you think he would feel free to have her over at the house now and be doing things with her? Instead, he is sounding like he has some hope of saving his marriage with you. It will be interesting to see as time progresses in your separation how much his attitude changes. Let him be the one to sell you on the idea of fixing what is wrong.
Kerry, my husband still claims no romantic feelings for OW and I do my best to explain why so many people have thought they are involved and why -- even if there is no 'romantic' connection -- I have felt like a third wheel, like they've crossed boundaries, the inappropriate nature of him turning to her about very important issues in our marriage rather than turning to me, etc. Has it sunk in? I don't know...
Oh, and I haven't been kayaking for awhile. I've been so consumed with my stoooopid marital problems! Blecky.
Last edited by girlfromipanema; 08/20/0811:46 PM.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
Isn't it odd.. they can say one thing, when called on it, say you were all wrong in how you understood it. Have you noticed that pattern?
Regardless of what I write to him, he always says that he doesn't understand what I'm saying, what my meaning is. Sometimes it's true.. but usually when I don't understand what he is saying!
Right now is chiaroscuro.. the play of light and dark. The light is the newfound knowledge and awareness you have.. the dark is the old patterns in which you've responded to him. The dark is hypnotic, where you feel most comfortable because he is there with you. The light is being able to see yourself as the brilliant woman you are, confident with boundaries, expectations of what you want need in a relationship.
You go.. Ms. Imp... No need to kiss his booboo's. They're of his own making.
Yrs. If he is at all serious about healing the marriage, Retrouvaille can help you. I wonder if OW isn't interested sexually. Maybe she is all EA. Too bad for him if it took him this long to find out.
<<I have been completely exhausted and unable to update. I'm sorry for not commenting on your threads as well... I just feel so drained.
big warm hugs
<<It's obvious that my husband and I have a HUGE communication problem.
I think you communicate beautifully. I think he has a HUGE problem.
<< Apparently he was only joking around when he said "talking messes things up" and the comment about friends with benefits.
For the record, a joke is something that both people would find funny. Cruel humor, obnoxious humor, or derogatory humor is not a joke. It's a way to be abusive, & then play it off as harmless.
<<That's when he said he was only joking around and that this was a prime example of my hyper-sensitivity. I'm not doing a great job of conveying what was said.
Him calling you "hyper-sensitive" is verbally abusive. Don't believe him. Please go get this book The Gaslight Effect.
<<We ended up going to dinner together. I told him I thought he was very confused and he asked if we could consider this a "separation" rather than a definite road to divorce. I told him I would be OK with that, but there was a lot of stuff that needed to be discussed, thought over, etc.
Did you mention that he would need to be kissing your *ss for a very long time ??? Do I need to come over there & give you DAM *ss kicking lessons ?
<<We do not communicate well at all.
Again, you do great. He's got some very bad habits.
<<He still says he's concerned that he won't be able to make me happy forever.
He's blaming it on you already. That he can't "make" you happy forever......? You're not that hard to please. I can tell that from here.
<<I think my absence from home is more painful than he realized and I think he's starting to understand what a giving wife I have been.
If it was me, I'd make him sweat good & long before I considered going anywhere. He put you through hell, & now he just wants to kiss & make up. He's pissing me off big time. He hurt my girlfriend, & I'm ready to kick his butt around the block numerous times.
Remember........"we teach people how to treat us". He'd better get ready to learn.
love ya, hugs for you & cat treats for your OM
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I have been completely exhausted and unable to update. I'm sorry for not commenting on your threads as well... I just feel so drained.
It's obvious that my husband and I have a HUGE communication problem. Apparently he was only joking around when he said "talking messes things up" and the comment about friends with benefits. To his benefit, we were joking around before he made those comments...
Yesterday he asked how I was and I told him I didn't sleep well. He said I should "come home" and I told him that I heard what he had to say on Sunday and going home only confuses things for me. I'm ready to make a clean break and that friends with benefits doesn't work for me. That's when he said he was only joking around and that this was a prime example of my hyper-sensitivity. I'm not doing a great job of conveying what was said.
We ended up going to dinner together. I told him I thought he was very confused and he asked if we could consider this a "separation" rather than a definite road to divorce. I told him I would be OK with that, but there was a lot of stuff that needed to be discussed, thought over, etc.
We do not communicate well at all. I'm thinking if I do decide to give this another try, RETRO will be an absolute MUST... but I still don't know what I want at this point. I'd like time to think about what exactly I NEED. I need to visualize my ideal marriage and tell him exactly what my expectations will be for the future. He still says he's concerned that he won't be able to make me happy forever.
I think my absence from home is more painful than he realized and I think he's starting to understand what a giving wife I have been.
I don't buy any of what he said. He is so full of it his breath stinks. he's getting it like he wants from two different women. he likes it. He's a playa..
I'm sorry sis..I just don't buy his BS. I don't mean to offend but I know guys like this..and it's all script.
You still love him. No shame in that. But I have to agree it seems to me that he is manipulating you emotionally. Cake eating. I would want him to show you he is serious about continuing a R with you, and actions to show he is willing to work with you, before continuing a physical R that you say is confusing you at this point. Retrouvaille sounds like a good idea as a start in the right direction. Just my $0.02.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
