Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Well, I managed to get over my apprehension about calling her after all this. It was all pretty cool, business-like and pretty much as expected. I had called to make arrangements to see the boys, and as she had said, she would go stay at her sisters for the duration of my "visit". I realise that my last visit there and my disastrous im convo, have lead me to backslide rather badly. I did feel rather good though, just telling her in my reply to her email, that I felt disrespected when she talked about OM.
I did feel that I had not been putting my disapproval of that across, in lieu of the fact that I felt that this had all been entirely my doing. TD, you are absolutely right though, that I must try to put this whole issue on the back burner, and not mention it again.
It will be difficult being back there, and her not being in the house. I will be focusing on my sons, and maybe just to try to enjoy being back in my home for a while.

I know I need to just dust myself off, forgive myself for my inadequacies, and get back on the DB horse. Guess I need to think about setting some new goals, which I suppose at this stage, are the ones I started out with. Be positive, upbeat, no R or OM talk. I guess maybe on this visit, it might not be just as hard, as I'm unlikely to see her for more than a few minutes.

Did get a bit emotional after the call, but I so so want to keep fighting, and to make sure I don't leave out any avenue or approach, to improve me, my relationships, and my situation.

I keep asking myself "How in the hell did I get to be here?" Sometimes, just for a moment, it feels like I'm in some sort of nightmare parallel world, and then I have to acknowledge that it's my reality.

I have undying admiration for some of the people on this bb, who have soldiered on through even worse than this, and for considerably longer, and I do take heart in the faith, patience, strength and perseverance that you all have.

I long for the day when I am in a better place than this, and it seems that many of the "tools" are out there to do it. I guess it's just the application and control needed to achieve that's the hard part.

Off home tomorrow, Joy, and sorrow.
Gotta get thru this.