Awhile back, and I don't recall which thread it was on, some of the HD guys were admitting that when their LD wives had headaches or didn't feel well suddenly when they were approached for sex, the husbands sometimes felt that she somehow manufactured the sickness just to get out of sex.
On that thread, I simply wrote the word "...fascinating"...but did not respond further than that.
I have since given this a lot of thought, as to how I can respond and somewhat confirm the HD husband's suspicians, but at the same time, make a general statement about the power of the mind...which is something I have spent my life time studying.
OK here goes...
I can recall when I was in grade school that the ultimate treat was to be too sick to go to school. My mother and step-father were both teachers at my grade school, so if I stayed home from school, I would be home alone. Therefore I would be able to eat whatever I wanted and watch whatever I wanted on TV.
My mom was pretty much a pushover for a sick kid and I could get out of school anytime I was determined to be sick. So if such a day arrived, I would lie there in bed and "manufacture" the sickness feeling...and by the time my mom would come in to kick me out of bed and I would lay my "I'm too sick to go to school" thing upon her, I actually FELT sick at that point!
Then she would feel the forehead, give the OK for me to stay home, and leave the house herself. Suddenly....I don't feel sick any longer! And even though I knew I had manufactured the sick feelings, it would really surprise me that I actually FELT sick and then surprise me even moreso when I stopped feeling sick the moment mom left the house!
But then another thing would happen...I would remember that being home alone all day is boring and I couldn't see my friends....I always ended up regretting staying home when I wasn't truly sick.
OK so on to my marriage...and the power of the mind...
I have read so many books about the mind, spirituality, health, etc. I do finally now believe what my books have taught me - that your mind creates your reality and that even sickness is created by yourself.
(Please lets not get too far into a discussion about why children would choose to have serious illnesses....as in sad situations like NTE's child...that is too complex of a subject for this discussion...there are reasons but this discussion isn't about that, per se).
The opposite is true, too, of course. That if you decide to be healthy, you can be healthy and get rid of sickness.
Now as to the suspicions of HD husbands about their LD wives.
(ahem)
I do recall something similar happenening to what I described above in staying home sick from school in my marriage.
I recall that sometimes when I knew my ex-h was possibly going to try to intiate sex that night, just the thought of it would begin a headache in my head, or I would become unbelievably sleepy. I couldn't even keep my eyes open. And it was REAL too, I would actually feel the headache and/or feel so sleepy that I could drop off in the middle of a sentence.
But then...once the pressure was off (by either the fact that he fell asleep himself or he made it clear to me that he wasn't planning on trying to initiate)...then suddenly the headache or mysterious sleepiness would disappear!
I would be left baffled by this phenomenon, even while I knew I had created it. I couldn't believe how powerful I was! To actually manufacture narcolepsy or a migrane at will!
But wow, what did this mean about my marriage and my sex life?
I struggled with that a lot. I prayed for answers from God about it. I felt like a jerk and I didn't understand it myself.
Now in retrospect....so many years of retrospect....I can finally understand some of it.
Basically, I did not know how to tell him what I was feeling. I needed so much MORE from him, emotionally, spiritually, financial support (refer back to my horrid original posting for all the sad details), I needed him to be more fun and outgoing, I needed to feel seduced. I needed him to kiss me better...to upgrade his skills. I needed him to understand that good sex takes more than just an erection.
I had no way of trying to tell him that by not meeting my other emotional needs, he was zapping all of my sexual energy and taking away all of my desire.
I just couldn't explain all of this to him (which is why I now understand why we needed counseling). I had no avenue to explain it and he would never discuss it with me. As I said above, he felt that since he had desire and an erection, it should be that easy for me as well, and since it wasn't, there was "something wrong" with me.
So instead of explaining it to him, I simply manufactured narcolepsy or a headache or a stomach ache. Even while each of these things could have easily been true situations based on having small children, working all day, not eating right/taking care of myself, etc. But I know in retrospect the difference.
Now....PLEASE none of you, do NOT immediately think "I KNEW IT! SHE WAS FAKING IT EVERYTIME IN ORDER TO AVOID SEX WITH ME!" LOL!
But instead, please read the REAL message above....I had no avenue to address the REAL issues with my ex-h and THAT IS WHY I avoided sex.
Also, some of your wives may have health issues that are in a different category than simply headaches or sleepiness, so please don't apply what I have said above to your sitch directly. Just process the information...and also realize that YOU are possibly doing some form of it as well.
In my marriage, the way my ex-h did the same to me was to conveniently "forget" that I had asked him to do a certain task several times already. See the correlation?
It all comes down to passive-agressive behavior and most of us are guilty of it on some level.
But again the most important message I would like HD husbands to realize is WHY I avoided sex! It wasn't actually because I had low desire (which I now understand). It was because he was zapping my desire away by not meeting my other needs.
I actually wished and prayed back then that I would suddenly develop unsatiable desire for my husband. At that time, along with him, I felt that would have "solved everything". I thought that if I just wanted sex with him all the time, he would be happy and then we could be happy together. I did not want to avoid intimacy with him consciously.....I actually wished for it, went to doctors to figure out what "my problem" was....
The truth of it now slaps me in the face: he did not meet my other needs and this was the death of my sex drive.
