Another one joins the flock (III)

[Mike85]

One thing I've been thinking about after perusing some other people's threads...

I'm wondering if it's just my perception or if there has been a change in the drift of the kind of advice people have been giving/getting? The name of the site is "Divorcebusting.com," yet some people seem awfully quick on the trigger when it comes to telling someone asking for advice "it's over." It seems that some people giving this advice see "DivorceBusting" as primarily about saving the individual poster, and well, if the marriage happens to be restored... that's a nice bonus.

That is disheartening to me and seems to twist what DBing is supposed to be about.

I've had old, dear friends give me advice that basically consisted solely of "if she's cheating on you, it's completely over, so protect yourself and file now..." They claim to be there for me, but after longer discussions, it turns out that they'll "support" me if and only if I buy into their pessimistic, cynical, "real world" solutions. They pooh-pooh my being friends with W and all the progress we have made. They tell me that even if W and I reconcile, that they'll never be able to forgive my W for what she did to me and that they'll probably never be able to talk to her/look at her the same way again. They also often look at my resurgent devotion in faith and prayer as a mere coping mechanism (or, as one friend put it, "a crutch").

My response to them: I thank them for their candor and then, regretfully, drop them.

At least my friends weren't members of this board and thus nominally/ostensibly in full support of saving marriages (aka "divorce busting"). I can get past their attitudes in some ways because I didn't necessarily assume that they were part of a group committed to saving marriages. Reading advice similar to theirs from posters here, however, I find disturbing.

I am DBing primarily to save my marriage - not to save me. If I wind up a better, more whole person in the process, THAT is the bonus, IMNSHO.

End of rant.