Gotcha. Check. Note to self: do not argue with moderators over posting rules.
I don't feel there is much problem with not being able to contact each other personally, and also, it wouldn't be good for some people (as an EA can quickly develop between lonely hearted people). I suspect that is the main reason for not allowing PM's?
I do wish we could somehow see each other's pics though, as that is just fun to place a face with a name. I loved seeing Ali's pic!
OK more blogging for me...something I have been thinking about lately....
SPIRITUAL ISSUES AND SSM'S
As most of you know, I am not sex-starved any more. Thankfully.
But there is a strange parallel in my relationship.
My man and I pray together. We both need it. We both love it. After we do it together we both say "wow I feel sooooo good now". We know prayer works. We pray for our relationship, our family, our health, our current dilemas in life, we pray in thanks for all that has come into our lives (both good and bad, as we rarely know the difference at first).
But here is the dilemma...I have HIGH need for regular prayer and he has LOW need for regular prayer.
He knows he needs it and feels better after doing it, but there is not the "push" within himself that will cause him to intiate it. He will always wait for me to initiate. If I leave it up to him to initiate, weeks or months can go by with no prayer together.
Does this sound familiar???
I have finally just fixed this problem by declaring that we shall always pray together on Sunday evenings, no one will intiate it, it is simply what we do on Sunday evenings - no excuses, no putting it off.
He has no problem with having it on the calendar and then there is not the pressure on him to remember to initiate.
Of course, if we are talking about sex, it is very unsexy to put sex on the calendar for once per week....but have the HD husbands here tried that tactic?
(ducks as beer cans and tomatoes are thrown at my head by HD husbands who don't like this boring suggestion)
OK, sorry to suggest this because I know you have all already "tried everything" and this one probably fell through the cracks or was met with unenthusiastic disrespect...but really, have you tried the "can we put sex on the calendar" approach?
And also...have you prayed together with your wife lately? If this is important to her, she can really feel sad if this has been being neglected.
I so much wish my man would take charge of our prayer times...but I am happy that he at least accepts it being on the calendar. It is a compromise at least.
When I was waiting for him to initiate prayer together, I would be resentful and angry each day as no suggestion by him to pray together was made. "Doesn't he know how important this is to me? I have told him so many times?"....."Why doesn't he want to do it on his own accord? He knows how great he always feels afterward!". But alas, as I said, I am the one with the HIGH desire to pray regularly. He wants to pray but he can go without if no one prompts him...so I have to learn not to take it personally and to do whatever I have to do to get it done.
I know its not that easy...which is why I was joking about y'all throwing things at my head....
Sex was on the calendar at one time. After we reconciled we fell into an every Sunday night ritual. I was fine with this routine... really I was. The problems started when D sensed something was up every Sunday night and would come to our bed and hang out to watch TV with us. W would delight in how frustrated I would get with this. I would say, "OK, time for you to go to bed now." Some nights I would get so mad at it it would spoil the night for us. She would say, "Why do you have to be so mean to her?" After way too many episodes like this, I gave up and you know the rest of the story...
The problems started when D sensed something was up every Sunday night.....W would delight in how frustrated I would get with this.
Translation: Wife did / does not understand the relationship between physical and emotional intimacy for a man. She saw it as recreation: the Sunday night game, the physical release for H. You saw it as your one chance each week to finally express your love, feel loved, and to revel in the deep emotional connection following the physical connection.
It's not the same for her, so she doesn't get it with regard to you.
Does she understand it now?
For what's it worth, Cinco, I empathize. I can remember watching the calendar, counting down the days, anticipating the night when I could *finally* approach her --- only to have it all dashed by a headache on her part, an exhausting day for her so she'd be completely beat by late evening, or something else. So that while she slept that night, I'd be left to pace about the house, wanting to go outside and scream at the moon or something, but with nowhere to vent.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
I don't know if she understands yet or not. The afternoon of her rage over my wanting to seek counseling, I emphasized how I needed the physical part of our relationship to connect with her emotionally. I also asked that she pick up reading SSM again and in particular ch. 1.
I still don't know if it has clicked in her mind and she has had that "OMG, what have I been doing to him all of these years?" moment. Unless she tells me, how will I know?
I still don't know if it has clicked in her mind and she has had that "OMG, what have I been doing to him all of these years?" moment. Unless she tells me, how will I know?
Well I have had that OMG moment, after reading SSM. My Husband has still not read it although he has said he would, I am still waiting. Now that I am ready to change and I have changed my Husband is not ready to accept it. He does not want to make love with me now. Has too much damage been done? Do I just remain patient with him? I am so sexually frustrated right now and I have told him so but, he is still not ready.
Shelby
Me:43 H:43 T:20 YRS M:15 YRS Bomb: 6/9/08 Bomb#2 7/6/10 Served with papers at work 7/13/10 DD:14, DD:11
I know exactly how you feel. I am just waiting for her to "get it", all I can do is work on myself and wait. I have also had that thought that so much damage has been done, so much time has passed without doing something about it, it may just be too late to fix it now.
However I let those thoughts pass away and I keep doing the work. I do see subtle changes in her that give me hope that I am doing the right things.
Shelby remember I told you that I was in your husband's position years ago. I was totally disconnected from my wife. The only connection left was that of a friend. I was ready to walk away from her because I could no longer see her as my lover. Then slowly, very slowly she won me back. It took months before I was convinced that she wanted me in that way again, really wanted me.
If he has not walked away yet he is probably waiting for the proof that this is real, that you really do want him again. It just takes time for it to sink in before the connection returns. That's how it happened for me.
I know that it is hard to have patience. Just keep doing the little things that show him that you love him.
No problem peeps - you are welcome to talk on my blog anytime. :0)
Cinco - when you said "how will I know unless she tells me", oy! Sometimes I want to shake you by your shoulders.
You will KNOW by ASKING her directly, darling! Just because you both have decided that you don't need counseling, now why does that mean that you will also not have the courage to just TALK to her about the situation?
"Wife...I am not meaning to put pressure on you but...did you end up finishing the SSM book yet? I am just asking because we made some progress last week and I want to keep it rolling forward".
(and then to rant in general, not just to Cinco....)
People, we really need to be able to at least talk to our spouses. I have read enough Mars/Venus books that I do now at least understand that talking (in general) for a man, can actually be a painful experience. I get it now that men just don't like to have emotional discussions and they will do nearly anything they can to avoid them.
But maybe men don't realize that opening up those difficult discussions to us, even if you have a deep problem with us that will be hard to talk about - - but if you do have the balls to bring it up and stand your ground, THAT ALONE is a turn on to a woman in a strange way. We get the sense that emotions frighten you and make you run away from difficult topics, but at the same time, this causes us to lose respect for you. If you can't face us and speak your highest truth to us, even if that is going to be something we have done wrong in your eyes, then we don't feel you have enough backbone and we will continue the behavior until you confront us.
Women need to talk. Talking is how we get our feelings known and understood to ourselves. By talking, we are also processing at the same time.
So if you and your wife have a lot of turbulent water under the bridge, you can bet that she needs to talk about it. And by talk about it, I mean SHE needs to be heard. Even if you believe she is the one hiding behind everything and that she refuses to talk....you are misinterpreting her. She needs YOU to be strong enough to approach her about this difficult subject and she needs YOU to be strong enough to actually HEAR her, not just fight or argue.
John Gray goes on and on about this dynamic.
Something funny happened last night with my man and I which resulted in an "aha" moment for me.
I was telling him that my wedding dress came in to the store. He asked me some details surrounding the dress. I answered, not for sure knowing if he meant these details or those details so I answered both. He kind of rolled his eyes at me and proclaimed that he already knew some of those details, and with his eye roll he implied that he "didn't need or have time for the extra info".
This kind of thing infuritates me but of course, it is typical Mars/Venus. He was asking for facts and details. I was sharing. So because my sharing went beyond just the facts, ma'am, he acted like this was an imposition on him. Which to a man, extra words and talking which he didn't ask for ARE an imposition on him....whereas to a woman, this is called SHARING and we need to share with each other or we feel all stuffed up with stuff that needs sharing.
Men advertise - - women share. This a basic Mars/Venus thing. However here was my "aha" moment....
I realized after the above event, that men actually DO like to talk - - ABOUT THEMSELVES.
Ok DQ, after my marble-sized brain stops rattling around in my head from being violently shaken by my shoulders, I will ask her what she is thinking now.... duh
Can I at least wait until her birthday is over first? It's next Monday (celebrating it Saturday since 1st day of school is Monday) and I don't want to rock the boat again right now and spoil it for her. Plus I got her the replacement promise ring gift and I'm hoping that will give her something nice to remember how we fell in love.
Low desire wives seem to have a reason to put off sex.
Men in general seem to find reasons to put off emotional discussions.
Cinco - it is WEDNESDAY, and you are worried that asking one simple question (have you finished reading the book yet) is going to ruin her birthday celebration on SATURDAY?
How can that one question cause all that drama?
Could it be that you are avoiding the topic?
And could it be that if you are avoiding the topic now, you may continue to avoid it even after the birthday...coming up with yet another excuse for not discussing things with her....finally weeks have gone by....and you have let it go so long that finally now YOU are angry at HER about it? All because you avoided a very simple question?
See what I am getting at?
What reason do you REALLY have to procrastinate, and why in the world would you tell yourself that it would cause a 24 hour per day fight for the next 3 days straight just to ask her this?
This is what I meant when I said above:
"We get the sense that emotions frighten you and make you run away from difficult topics, but at the same time, this causes us to lose respect for you. If you can't face us and speak your highest truth to us, even if that is going to be something we have done wrong in your eyes, then we don't feel you have enough backbone and we will continue the behavior until you confront us."
Darling Cinco....your wife LOVES YOU. She probably wishes that YOU will be the one to bring these things up so that she won't have to. She probably does not know how to approach these things anymore. She is afraid, too. BE THE MAN and help her to discuss this with you.
It is only one simple question. You do not need to turn it into a long drawn out painful discussion. I would advise you just get the answer "yes" or "no" as to whether she has read the book or not, and then ask her "do you think we can schedule some alone time next week to discuss some of the things in the book together? Gosh I am just so glad you are reading it and I do want to hear your thoughts about it." That way, you can have the discussion but you are both agreeing to wait until next week just in case it is a painful or sad discussion.
Ok DQ, after my marble-sized brain stops rattling around in my head from being violently shaken by my shoulders, I will ask her what she is thinking now.... duh