Ready to GAL...Drop the Rope...Detach..2...

[lovehopefaith]

(First, apologies in advance -- a super long post with lots'o'comments!)

All I ever wanted was my family. I never wanted more than to devote my life to my kids. I knew that the first time I looked at my D15. I've lived for that and that only since. When I stopped working outside the home, I never looked back. I never planned on anything or for anything else.

Ditto for me. Although I didn't meet my H until I was 27, and had built up a decent career for myself, I knew when I met H, got married and had my D that I wanted nothing more than to be a SAHM, and frankly, he wanted me to be a SAHM too. We both came from middle class homes with SAHMs who cared for us and we wanted the same security for our D.

Intially, being a SAHM in those early newborn months was a little difficult. I was used to working all day and being with adults, and being alone most of the day with a new baby was hard. I did cry about being lonely a few times to my H. But eventually I got involved with playgroups and kiddie classes and all that and I found my niche. I realized that this was the "role" in life I felt most comfortable with: Taking care of my D, taking care of my H, taking care of my house and making it warm and cozy. Planning dinners and baking and doing the little things gave me pleasure. And every Mother's Day/Father's Day in those early years I always made sure to thank my H for allowing me the chance to be a SAHM for our family.

When a recently divorced friend (divorced by choice) heard about my situation, she said to me "Don't you feel you've lost who you are, your identity (by being a SAHM)?" I told her no, that I felt this WAS my identity, and I was comfortable with it. She insisted that being a SAHM makes you lose yourself, and how did our mothers do it and not fall apart?

I didn't feel the same way as her. Maybe it's because I was able to work a little, part time, from home all these years and I still had that part of my former career, however small. Or that I never lost my interest in things, read the newspaper daily and stayed up on things and had an opinion. I had seem many SAHMs just fade away from people who knew about things to people who didn't know what was going on in the world.

Like you, I thought this was it for me. I thought I was be a SAHM, hopefully have another baby (not sure if THAT will happen now) and when my kids were older I would work more to contribute to the household. When the kids were gone, H and I would find time to travel more, enjoy time together.

THIS is where my plan went wrong. I know that I although I gave a lot to the FAMILY, I didn't give enough to the MARRIAGE. It's a hard lesson to learn now, when things are so messed up and I don't know if I can fix them. But that's what DB is for, right?

So I think when "the bomb" drops, it challenges everything we thought we knew about our life, our plans, our future. But I refuse to fall prey to the idea that I didn't know who I was, that I lost my identity. Because I knew my identity is what it is. I am sure of that. And maybe that's one lesson this experience has taught me.

So now, here I am. I'm 43 years old. I do not know who I am. I don't know what I want out of life other than to not be alone. To not be without my kids. I have people here telling me to get over it, move on, stop acting like I'm entitled to something. I know I can't have H now. I know that I don't want who he is now anyway, but why should I have to give up my kids. Why do I have to give up the only thing I knew and know that I want out of life?

I'm with you -- I don't want to be alone either. The thought of my H moving out permanently and never having him in my bed again and having to give up D for nights and days at a time makes me freak out... And I know that separation anxiety is part of the reason that I am here right now. I put D first, my H says, and he is partly right -- I thought it's about her now, since she is the child, and the US will come when she's grown. I didn't put US first, and cultivate that garden of marriage, and H is to blame for not insisting on us doing more things alone together and/or talking about it and/or initiating sex more and/or communicating his needs...

And I agree with you -- if we are not going to be a couple, why should I lose my D too? It seems most unfair, since I don't want this. I didn't have an OP and I didn't drop the bomb and from the very drop of the bomb I was willing to do anything to save our sitch. I still am, because I love the person I married. And although my H isn't the person I married -- nor the person I thought he was -- right now, my heart still tells me that deep down he is a caring individual who is troubled and has issues and is someone I can forgive if he is willing to let me in to his heart again. There are glimpses of the person I married, which gives me hope.

The one thing I know is that my life will never be the same again. I don't know if I will ever have that second child -- I'm 39 and time is slipping away -- and I know I will have to likely work. D is going to be in first grade in 2 weeks, which means she will be in school all day. But she will still have summers off, and I refuse to NOT spend time with her. So I have decided to pursue a career in teaching, which I can accomplish fast next summer by getting my certification. And then I can get a job with summers off, and have hours similar to D. This is my plan.

And how ironic is it that putting D first got me into this mess, yet my plan includes keeping her up there on the priority list? Many DB veterans may say this is twisted, but I don't care. I know this will work for me. I know I liked volunteering at school, I loved school as a kid, and I liked being with the kids. And the schedule is perfect. So it works FOR ME and it works for my D.

Don't listen to the critics who are telling you to move on so quickly. Why should you? Your life was shattered and turned upside down. Of course you feel entitled -- I do too. I am a good mom and a good SAHM and I was always understanding to my H and let him do things he wanted to do and did things to make his life easier. I didn't abuse my SAHM sitch by sitting on my butt all day and not doing anything. I definitely was the CEO of my family and made my H's life easy and comfortable. And he knows that. I also know that's part of the problem. He needed to be more invested in our family and he's not in many ways.

The person that H is now is not the person I have loved all my life and loved me. The person he used to be would not want me to be in this kind of pain. The person he used to be would not think it was ok to let me be alone.

Again, I agree. My H is not an uncaring, dead behind the eyes, unemotional person. But he was after the bomb ALOT. And I believe he is depressed, MLC and the OOW gives him a high that will eventually fail. Eventually H will come back to reality. How long will that take? I don't know. Will I have the patience to still be waiting to work on US? I don't know. But right now, I try to be patient.

The one thing that has worked for me with my H in this sitch is not being depressed around him. Am I depressed? You bet. I could cry all day sometimes and my poor D has witnessed many a day this summer when I was a weeping mess. But the minute he walks in the door I pull it together. I try not be a person he would not want to be with, not to be the person who reminds him what a jerk he is/was. I try and act happy and confident, look nice, continue on with my life, continue to be happy around my sweet little D. Maybe he sees I can forgive, maybe he sees that I "like" myself, maybe he sees what he is missing. I don't know. But we do get along now.

Have I backslid? Yes, miserably and horribly several times. But right now I'm on a roll for about five weeks. Do let his moodiness control me? Yes, a lot. I'm a work in progress. But the crying and the pit in my stomach and the constant nervous anxiety is gradually being replaced by a new normal where I do find happiness every day. I find positives every day. Without DB, Michelle's books, this BB and my IC sessions I wouldn't have that.

It's just that there is not enough of ME to become my own person now. This is my unique problem---not knowing who I am, what I want and how I can be happy.

Clearly this process is about soul-searching. You DO know who you are. You are a mom. You are a good person. Just explore more. Do you like to read? Go to the library and check out some books. I like biographies about strong women now, and I actually search out ones about single/divorced women who have succeeded. I just read one about Paula Deen. Maybe try some self-help books, which always give me hope.

Do you have a hobby? I like to scrapbook, and I'm behind on my photos, so I plan on doing that full-force when D starts school. Find something you like to do -- knit, sports, collecting something -- and set a goal with it.

Start a journal! In the early days, I just vented and vented in my journal. Then I switched to writing daily goals for the day -- things I wanted to accomplish with DB with H and things solely for me and/or D. At the end of the day, I would see how many I accomplished. And then I switched to journaling all the positives in the day. It helped keep me on track. And it helped me get out my frustrations in another place. And it helped me gather my thoughts before an IC session so I knew what to bring up with her.

Also, maybe you could volunteer at your children's school? That would give you a chance to "be" with them in another way. Or find something new to do. I'm a crossword/Suduko junkie now; it's a good way to pass the time. And I have a list of mindless TV shows that pass time quite well at night when I'm down.

Mabye you could also find a support group. If my sitch goes sour, the first group I'm signing up for is parents without partners -- don't know if they will take that out because its endorsing? -- because I will want to find people in similar sitches who will understand me and also understand D. Maybe there's a divorce and separation group in your area -- sometimes they host them at churches.

I've also told myself that my Martha Stewart-ness doesn't have to end if my sitch ends up poorly. If D has to be with H, that's when I will do all my cleaning and shopping and cooking and baking so that when she's home, it's all about her. This is a comforting thought for me, to give her the loving, cozy home I've always wanted for her. And for me too.

I hope you are feeling better. I hope that you find some peace. That is the most important thing, I think, finding peace within you. Telling yourself that no matter what, some day, you will be happy again. Remind yourself what you are sure of -- that your children love you and that you are a good person.

Because you are!