4 years ago I began a texting type reltionship with my friends husband. The relationship grew and on 2 occasions we slept together which was not only unsuccessful (for him ) but it was not what I needed or wanted from the relationship. My husband consequently discovered a text message and I spent he next 3 years lying about the extent of the affair.
During these years my husband left me, returned and left me again. We had counselling and i realised that the love i needed and thought i was not getting was actually in my husband all the time. I deeply regreted my actions and finally confirmed with him what he believed he already knew and told him the truth. He returned home for 6 weeks and then 3 weeks ago decided to leave again. I am DEVASTATED.
I have done everything possible to get him back. Some days i do not know what to do with myself. My love and need for him is immense. The only thing i have not done is given him real space. I constantly text and call. We were married 23 years and have 3 teenage children. We have so much to look forward to in the future and so much to loose. What can i do now ? Should i of continued to lie to him ? He still cares for me but i am not sure if he loves me now. He asks how can we make special again what we had. I think he has convinced himself that it is over and I know that it will take 2 of us to fix that. How do I convince him that i would never do that again, that I am so deeply sorry and that what we have is worth fighting for? I would love some help and suggestions. I know i am responsible and selfish to of done what I did in the first place. No one else knows of the extent of the affair even my friend. Help anyone
Welcome. I think you have come to the right place for help. The first thing you need to do is to stop calling and texting. You are right he needs his space right now and it is necessary for you to give him that.
He is in a world of pain right now. He will need to work that out and see how he feels about trying to rebuild your relationship.
I am glad that you realized that your husband is the man that owns your heart. You right now need to focus on you a bit while you are giving him space. Why did things go downhill for you? What could have prevented the affair? Why were/are you so unhappy with yourself? Look deep and hard and your answers will surprise you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hi Max, Marriages can survive affairs. (Well, I can say that mine did.) Recognize that, although you were the one who strayed, you and your H both contributed to the deterioration of the relationship, bringing you to the point where this happened. I'm not saying you were blameless - but you were not SOLELY to blame either - that's just not how things work.
Everyone here ALL made terrible mistakes that got us to the point where our M's were in jeopardy. However, what those mistakes were, and how you handled them, is not where you should be focusing. Sure, understand what happened and why, and learn from this.
Instead, put the majority of your focus and energy on where you go from here forward. Have you read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy? (DR came out later and I think is slightly better - but they are very similar.) If not, that's your first step - get that book and get reading!
Hang in there - you're in the early "panicky" part of this process of recovering and rebuilding. It will get better.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
First of all. You told him. So the cat's out of the bag. Don't regret it.
The reason you had the affair was that your marriage needed some work. Now you know that. You'll both need to work on it.
It sounds like you need to give your husband some space. He's hurt deeply.
Read the Divorce Remedy.
You can skip ahead to the infidelity section.
If your H is ready to come back to the table here's what you will need to do:
1. Write an email to your former affair partner. Tell him it's over and it was a big mistake. Apologize for hurting his marriage. Tell him you will never contact him again and tell him you don't want him to contact you ever again. Show the letter to your husband.
2. Never, ever contact that guy again. Don't respond to his text messages or calls. If necessary, change your cell phone number.
3. Be transparent to rebuild trust. Give your husband access to your cell phone, call records and email.
I know you did not address this but...are you still friends with the woman? You say she doesn't know about the extent of the affair...I just am curious, do you still know her and are friends with her?
I was unfaithful in my marriage and I lived to regret it - we are divorced now (not solely because of the infidelity though). But I lived with so much guilt and regret, it ate at my soul every day. So that is why I am asking, if you are still friends with the woman, how are you able to handle the guilt? I do think maybe you need to come clean to her as well. I know that would put her marriage at risk and mabye that is not something you want to take on but...on the other hand, how can you continue to look into her face and be friends? Somehow, that should be handled so you can let go of the guilt and move on and heal....
Hi Dq - Thanks for your reply. My friend whose husband I strayed with does not know the extent of the affair and I have put much distance between us. She would like to be friends but I cannot out of respect firstly to my husband and secondly guilt. We live in the same community which begs the question should i move?
The only 3 people who know are myself , my husband and the Man in question and he thinks my husband does not know. Although my husband does not want another sole to know , he is tormented with the thought that this guy thinks he has one over him.
It is all so ugly and desperate. If I could turn back time ......
Hi Theoden - thanks for that. I cannot get hold of any of the divorce busting books. i live in New Zealand and being a small country it makes choices in everything limited. I might try Amazon though. I need help desperately.
Hi Rob - Thanks for advise. I dont feel I am in early days as the first discovery was 4 years ago. It has only been 4 months though since i came clean. Perhaps he is in early shock with that.
it seems the harder I try in marriage the further away he goes. I need to get him to a position where he believes the marriage and family are worth fighting for. Once i am there I am prepared to do all that it takes to rebuild trust etc.
As I live in New Zealand i cannnot get hold of the Divorce busting books although i will try Amazon.
Hi Kat - Easy to say stop calling but it is a compulsion that i cannot seem to stop. i am frightened that by stopping he will walk completely away. Logically i know if that is the case then i was fighting a losing battle anyway.
I suppose I feel like it is giving up.
We have had lots of counseling regarding ourselves but as i was lying to him at the time i suppose i was not in the right space. Now that he has the truth he has not returned.
Hi Theoden again - I spoke only a couple of times to the OM after being discovered. I ceased all communication 4 years ago. i have apologised to OM wife about the bits she knows, dont feel it is my place to come clean to her. That would be her husbands duty ( having said that, extramarital affairs dont seem to faze them ).
My H has access to everything and i make a concious effort to let him know what I am up to and where i am even though we no longer live together.
He seems to go 2 steps forward and 1 back. Sometimes i feel he really cares and then the smallest of things will send him back to feeling like he wants out of the marriage. I am lost
