God give me the patience and the strength...6

[Dawn of Hope]

No, No, No, DoH your right. I AM following advice now. I haven't because I was so afraid that it wouldn't work w/my H. I was afraid that if I left him alone that I would lose him for sure. I think now, that I have given OW and the beer can too much power over "us". I am still afraid, I won't lie. I really don't know if our foundation is strong enough to get through this. But after the last confrontation with H I had to let go for me. I can't take the rejection from him again. If he chooses to D. I will accept that.

2 Weeks ago he really had me convinced that this time he was going to file. And that it really may be over this time. That is why I am shaking my head after this weekend. And I don't know that I believe it's because of anything I did or didn't do. It's just him spinning.

I posted about NC last night because I want all that have been yelling at me that I am listening this time. And I am not going to fall into the same pattern anymore. I am leaving H to lead the way. And in the meantime I AM now doing things for me and the girls.

As far as GAL. There isn't much. As I am a homebody. I spent over year going out. Partying it up. Had a great time. But at the end of everynight. I came home alone. Nothing changed. Now I spend my days doing things with my girls. I work in my garden. I am doing things that have fell to the wayside in and outside of my home. Doing things on the farm that need done. I still go out on occasion but not everyweekend anymore just to show him "I'm moving on". I am keeping busy but now doing it the way TOH enjoys. I am hoping to get my paints back out soon and get back into that.

Really DoH thanks for posting to me. I really need all the help I can get. It's because of all of you dear people that I am able to understand what my H is going through. It's you that give me the strength to keep standing for my H and my M.

toh,
Good, good! I'm glad you weren't offended, and I'm glad it helped. Keep working on being a better toh...for YOU. Keep being still where he is concerned. Have you spent any time thinking about possible situations that might be difficult for you with your H, and how you can deal with them in the interests of good DBing? Maybe decide what to do, and then rehearse mentally, so you don't lose control and do something that you know isn't a good idea? It seems that flying off the handle and then later regretting it is a problem for you, and I think it would really help if you spent some time working with this. I have not done this myself, but I keep myself under very tight control, and I'm very good at staying still where my H is concerned. (This is the easy part for me...however, right now I'm struggling with anger [and unforgiveness] so intense it's eating me up because I don't feel free to express it. That's one of my big issues.) Pre-visualization is at least worth a try....

I think we are all afraid, at least at first. I know I certainly was--terrified, in fact. And some of DBing is just so counter-intuitive, or contrary to how we feel, that we are skeptical that it will save our Ms. And maybe it won't, but I think if we do it, it will give us the best *chance* of saving the M, and it will also help us personally in a number of ways. I think that if we can scrape together the strength and humility to DB, we will end up with far fewer regrets, regardless of the outcome.

One of my goals in life is to have my ducks in a row to the point that I never feel any NEED to make any excuses.

Do what works. Change what doesn't. Focus on YOU.

Strength and courage, toh.

Peace,
Dawn