Hey there. My interview went ..... well I think. It was supposed to be a technical interview and I've never had a less technical interview. I spoke with a couple of the business people and one woman who does what I do. She asked really really simple questions that I could answer yes or no to and didn't follow up on my answers. I really don't know what is going to happen here. I would dearly love to have the job, but, I just can't figure if they were so laid back as to be nearly clueless or so on the ball that I missed things completely. I'm really leaning more toward the first option, that they liked me and were more looking for how does he fit and communicate over the phone.
As far as things with W. I feel like we live 4 states apart and we're reasonably happily married. I feel like I'm the single parent with the kids like she was while I was in Colorado and she was in Michigan. We talk about the kids and their schedules and the "how was your day" and other minutia. Yet at the same time, I know that there is a big pink elephant that I'm avoiding talking about. I haven't the foggiest idea if my W knows or suspects that I've been out every weekend for the past 6 weeks. I know that she doesn't know I've had these two interviews. Last week, she brought some food over to the house saying that there was nothing in the house for the kids to eat and her girl friend was leaving town for a few days so W raided her refrigerator. Strangely, her girl friend has no name which is a reflection of her reticence to talk about her shadow life.
I can't decide whether to be glad for how things are going or terrified. Sometimes it seems like there is no connection between us at all and other times it's like we have this easy connection except we are separated by 1200 miles which is in reality only 3 miles. I wonder is it possible that this is just a relaxing of the tension we've been living with for so many years, or, is this just "divorce light", no connection with separate lives and residences, but, shared finances.
I don't know what's up or what's going on or anything. I feel like we have no relationship, except that in some ways it feels like we have that easy familiarity and comfortable relationship that can only come from years spent together.
The only way I can describe it is like this. For 8 years, we were members of a church with definite cult like aspects. We were true believers who had THE TRUTH better than others and it was the focus of our lives. Since then, everywhere else we've been has seemed at least to me like a pale imitation compared to the dedication we gave and saw around us.
The co-dependent relationship we've had for 18 years seems like that church and what we have now seems like a pale imitation. Maybe it's possible for the pale imitation to grow into something magnificent and good and different that will eclipse what we had before, but, I suspect that a healthy relationship will always seem somewhat bland compared to an unhealthy one filled with drama.
So, I'm torn between wanting a really good and happy relationship with W where we are both safe and valued and respected and secure and having amazing adventures together all the time and wondering if such a thing is possible and thinking that perhaps the only way to have a relationship like that is to start over. I'm pretty sure that I'm smart enough to realize that nothing is that simple.
Our MC has agreed to work with me as a DB coach as well as to continue as our MC. So, I need to make an appointment there, otherwise, I don't know what to do except to keep working on being a better Dad. I'm struggling with trying to build a social life and being for all intents right now a single-parent. This SUCKS. I very much don't recommend it.
Well, that's probably enough rambling for one night.
