Starbuck: Do not look for logic in what is happening with your H - it is not there - and will not solve the problems. What you have to start working on - first and foremost - is you. I don't know if it's time to stay dark - but it's definitely time to work on 180s and to find ways to find a PMA - positive mental attitude for you.
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It seems to me that we should be able to break down our problems into logical steps & work on them. That's what my letter to him was all about -- my piece of it & what I can do to help our relationship improve. For all the "thinking" he's done while we've been separated, it doesn't seem that he has thought about his piece in this or action steps for improvement. I think his "thinking" is really "brooding" and "wallowing" in desperation
I had this exact same response to my wife - and it took me a long time to get through it - maybe longer than most - but you have to push through and stop believing that there is some way you can convince your H to see things differently. It will not work - and you will find yourself feeling more and more frustrated day by day. You have got to think about you - about what makes you attractive, about your strengths, about what you've neglected in yourself, about new, positive things you can discover in you.
You're doing what a lot of us do at first - and I think it's part of the process - you're blaming him and finding his faults and focusing a lot of attention on what he's done wrong. Try to let that go - I know it's hard, and might even seem impossible - but you have to stop blaming him and putting your efforts into assigning blame (like your thoughts of him abandoning you).
Keep reading other threads here - dive in, look at the frustration people have when they first post - and how their outlook starts to emerge, grow and become more positive as they begin to take better care of themselves first. The odd truth is that you cannot do anything, and I mean anything about your marriage until you take care of yourself first - and sometimes that means recognizing what you've done that brought you to where you are now...Yes, I know, it's ridiculous that one person should have to do so much or even all of the work right now -but that's how it is - and that's how it's going to be for a while - maybe longer than you would expect - and so you should look through the posts of people that started where you are and read where they find themselves two or three months later.
As you go through, look for posts that speak to you - that remind you of what you're going through - and share your thoughts on those threads - the more you converse with others here the more we'll be able to help you.
We're here for you - we know it hurts - we know the pain is impossible sometimes, but we also know that, for whatever reason, it's usually the best of what's inside you that brings you to this site. Someone once commented that fixers come here - and I think it's true - and often we come here because we've finally hit a situation where our fixes don't work - we need new tools - we need new guidance and we need the compassion of others to lift us up sometimes from some of the profoundest lows we could ever imagine.
About the letter explaining the changes you're going to make - ignore his response - he read it - digested it - and it's done. Now don't write another letter like that - don't talk about the changes you're going to make - show him - you have to think in terms of actions, not words...and when you talk with him - be the first to get off the phone. Change things around. Do 180s. Jump into the DBing process and be patient. Above all be patient...learning to DB takes time - and then implementing what you've learned takes even more time...
