Me: W, I set my boundaries and you crossed them. You have to leave. I won't live like this.
Good. You set a boundry and now enforcing it. Never a bad thing to do.
Quote:
W: (crying now) But when will I see the kids?
Me: Any time you like.
Bad. Maybe for now it is okay but over the long run bad.
Why?
That means she can come and go as she pleases.
Bad for you. Or is YOUR life LESS important than hers????
Bad for your kids. "I planned to spend tonight with dad yet mom shows up" or "I planned to be with mom and she no-shows".
Kids do best on a schedule. They need to know what to expect. Email me and I will send example schedules if you need, or do a google search.
YOU do best on a schedule.
Someone else will find Frank desirable and no need for former W to bust in uninvited!
I am on a schedule and it is the best for everyone concerned. Everyone knows the plan and can plan accordingly.
No schedule = worst for everyone.
You are doing great.
It sucks, but this is her choice. Interesting how she tried to justify an affair b/c of you.
She is lost and so good you recognize that.
But time to think of you.
She moves. Along with that are conditions. She does not come and go as she pleases. She sees the kids on a set schedule - a schedule set for the KIDS - not her.
Animals? They do not factor in.
Her choice, not yours.
Now you make the choices. What is good for Frank and the girls???
That bird Alex is amazing. It even uses a computer!
Jeff is so right on having consistent schedules and not allowing her to come and go as she pleases. Read up on LostPhil's situation as to why letting kids set the schedule and allowing the seperated wife to come and go as she pleases does not work. He has not drawn the boundaries clear enough.
There are age appropriate schedules recommended and I dont think you want to have the girls apart from each other too often. Here is a link to some samples from my state:
My wife and I coparent with a 5/5/2/2 schedule. We alternate Fri/Sat/Sun weekends and I always have the kids Mon/Tue. This means I can plan my private time (ie. lessons) for myself every Wed/Thur when she has the kids.
Strong to do the right thing even if it hurts you and honor to always do the right thing.
And Frank will set a schedule that is in the best interest of the girls.
But his wife just left today after what was probably the most difficult talk of Frank's life so how about we give the man some breathing room for the time being?
He knows what is before him and should he forget, or procrastinate, well...I doubt we will let that happen!
I just don't think that now is the time to hassle him about a visitation "schedule".
Well, I'm strangely calm tonight. Not sure why. I know my W has OM but at least I'm not WITNESSING it any more. I know how that felt and how it destroyed my spirit 3 years ago.
I understand she is an emotional mess, but one of us has to survive and I choose me.
D12 has gotten better. We went out for ice cream and she's more cheerful. Don't know if W called her or not.
D17 is fine, I think she was prepared for this to happen.
My best friend was talking to me tonight and I told him the story. I said I hoped that maybe there was a chance we'd work things out. He asked me how I could take her back after two affairs and all the destruction she's done. Sometimes it's hard to forgive.
3 years ago when w 'found her soulmate' and needed a divorce it was a lot harder to deal with - her leaving for another man.
In this cycle, she started out in January pursuing a married man who 'loved his wife' and that was hard for me because it was a lot like 'leaving for another man'. But it didn't progress into a full blown affair and we spent several months on the rollercoaster.
Now, she's in a full blown affair with someone different, someone who is nowhere near as strong as I am. Someone she met who came to her friends house when he was weak, and found her there.
It doesn't hurt as much.
Why? I think because she didn't 'leave me for him'. Instead, she 'left me', went back and forth and while in her dysfunctional state, when circumstances were right, she met OM.
So, it's like he's a symptom of her disease. And I guess that since I've been through this before I can accept it and let it go.
What I don't understand is why I still think I'd 'take her back'. I mean, she's a two time adulterer. She has left me 3 times. She is not a supportive wife.
Why? Why do we forgive them and let them choose to return if they want to? Are we codependent? Foolish? what?
It's not because we can't find someone else. Eventually many of us DO, yet we are still willing to give them a chance IF they show real remorse and a willingness to try their best.
Why?
I guess for me, it's because when I made the commitment to her, it was real. I wasn't always happy about it but I learned to love who she is on the inside, beyond the hurt and pain.
The little girl inside. I love that little girl. More than her daddy ever did.
Everyone has gone to bed here. A tough day to be sure. D12 is exhausted. D17 is trying to be the 'surrogate mom' , telling me to make sure that since 'mom isn't around any more' I need to plan balanced meals with veggies and stuff.
I told her I'd do all the grocery shopping and she doesn't need to,.The past month her mom tried to make her into the grocery shopping person. I mean, she's 17 and should not be burdened with being 'mom #2'.
I did thank her for the suggestions, and that I WILL do a better job at shopping and cooking.
I'm going to do the best I can to keep her from having to be 'mom'.
I guess for me, it's because when I made the commitment to her, it was real. I wasn't always happy about it but I learned to love who she is on the inside, beyond the hurt and pain.
Same for me - my commitment to the vows I took made me hold on longer than I should have. Most thought I was a fool for wanting to save my marriage after what my W had done.
I'm sure it was a very trying day for the girls. D17 seems to be handling it all well. I think D12's reaction is fairly typical. Remember that even though they appear to be coping, they still have a lot to digest. They, like you, will have moments of great sadness. Just be there for them. Give lots of hugs, but don't push. They will need their space, as you will.
You're doing good, Frank. This is not an easy thing you are going through. Stand firm. Hold your boundaries. Let God take care of it.
Keep going to AA. IF for no other reason than you need to get out of that house! You need to be in the physical presence of other human beings. Your cyber and phone friends are great, but you need to interact with some real live people. Concentrate on getting your girls ready for school. I'm sure there is a lot to be done. If you step up and show them you are up to handling the little day to day details of their lives, that will help them feel secure and should also boost your own confidence in running your household as a single parent. I have no doubt that you already knew that children need vegetables. However, this statement from D17 may be her way of trying to maintain order in her life and her sister's life. I know it sounds silly, but at times like these, even nearly grown children grab onto the simplest things to try and maintain some sense of normalcy in their lives.
You're going to be OK Frank.
Hugs, Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
It hurts to set a boundary and enforce it. You love your wife.
Why would you take her back? Because you love her.
Should you? Only if she really changes.
But she needs that boundary as much as you do. She can't be permitted to treat you like sh*t. It's tough love. You are educating her, much like you would your own daughters.
You did the right thing.
When you doubt yourself, go back to that posting where you listed your 17 year old daughter's response and analysis of the situation. Read it slowly. It's powerful. I choked up when I read it. Her moral compass is solid, Frank. She's God's gift to you. You've won the moral battle -- hands down. When your 17 year old is pleading with you to man-up and not let your wife cheat on you without consequences I think it's safe to assume it's better to be separate for now than allow your daughters to see unhealthy enabling go on. Your 17 year old knows your wife is an adulterer and a flake. And she's been watching you enable it. For the first time in a long time you are giving her a solid role model. She's begging you to stand up and fight for your joy, your life and your daughters.
Your 17 year old noted that you will lose your sanity, joy and, perhaps even your daughter's love and respect if you allow your wife to continue to treat you in such a terrible way. You have the makings of a great life -- now live it.
Frank, if your wife is to be turned around, it'll only happen by you putting your foot down. You may be doing the best thing to save your marriage, if that's what you still want. You are re-gaining your self-respect, which is very attractive. My wife told me the reason she treated me poorly was because I treated myself poorly-- it was an invitation to further abuse.
I think you need to do a few things now.
1. Go to AA regularly. The powelessness thing is not about staying weak. It's about admitting your weakness and turning to God for help. You must empty your cup before you fill it. No shame in that. I'm sure there are other ways of licking a drinking problem but AA is proven. Go for yourself. Go so that your wife can't use it against you in court. She might play the drinking binge card for custody and the house. It's also a chance to get out and see people. And if, per chance your wife turns around, sobriety will be a key compenent in her trusting you.
2. Go see a lawyer. Not a shark. Someone who has the kid's interest at heart. Tell him/her you would be open to working on the marriage, but you won't tolerate an affair. Find out what you need to protect yourself. Do this now Frank.
3. Get out more. Get into a church care group.
4. Remain loving, firm and peacable with your wife.
Your wife has plenty of time to turn around. You may or may not want her even if she does. It seems you've broken the cycle your in.
