I slept all day today. The singles meet up group meets every month - so I will go in September.
The last 5 years has had two stressful components. The first was the D and the second was career. I was at a point where I had to push very aggresively in my career to get to the next stage.
I used my career to bury myself in work for 5 years and since the type of work I do is conducive to not having a life - it was okay.
In many ways my healing has taken a different path b/c I didn't have kids with The X, The X didn't cheat on me, and my M was relatively shorter and b/c I am a little nutty ambitious.
Another event occurred a month or so ago that gave me an additional sense of D peace. The X and I have a common friend. I bumped into him when I went out for breakfast one weekend. He said that The X told him how he had spent three years of his life killing himself after our D. He has a high pressure job and immediately after our D he enrolled in a very challenging executive MBA program. That he didn't even start dating till over 3 years after our D. He is a little nutty ambitious too.
Michele told me during my first session with her - chances are The X was probably feeling exactly the same way I was. He survived his D in a similar way too... Maybe we were too alike - maybe we just didn't know how to be M. I knew nothing about long term R's and the work it takes to sustain one. I thought if you fell in love with someone - it was suppose to end happily ever after.
I would be lying if I said I didn't drop the ball at my end. I didn't realize that if you didn't work at it - well it was possible to fall out of love with someone. And while there was a time difference - we both eventuallly reached that point.
Last year when I left on vacation I had a goal. The X did not agree to have children and that use to be a source of pain for me. I made a decision to let it go and I did. That part of my life is not as real as today. The children I am planning on adopting are much more real to me than those that I planned to have with The X at one time - even though I am waiting for a referral.
This year I have another goal. I want my contact with the word Divorce to parallel that my contact with the word papaya when I get back from my vacation This is with respect to typing the word, reading the word, speaking the word. It is possible I will be using the word papaya a lot more - but hopefully I will use the word divorce a lot less. I need to let this part of my life go to be able to move onto the next part.
I will be rested when I return. While life has its ups and downs - life is generally in a balance.
I pushed myself a little too hard the last 5 years. And the balance is recent - but hasn't cancelled out the effects of the imbalance the past 5 years.
I don't know if I know enough about long term relationships to make one work. But if I never try even baby steps in that direction - I will never find out.
take care, AG
11 days from right now - I will be probably be drinking a frozen umbrella drink at the bar on the beach!
