I'm back after a long absence

[123snap]

feeling pretty sad this morning. I have been reaching out to friends and family for some support, but so far it hasn't really helped much. What I really want is a hug from my husband, but I won't get that for a while. He looked sad this morning. I asked him if he would rather I just said forget it and throw in the towel. He said he isn't ready to talk about that. I just don't get a good feeling. I am so scared, so sad and hurt all over again. Maybe I need a counseling session.

[123snap]

I am having a hard day. Yesterday I took the kids to a park and that was pretty good distraction. Last night H said he needed some alone time, fine I understand that, so he went out and ended up going out with his sister until nearly midnight, I didn't expect it to be so late, I was getting worried and couldn't relax so I ended up calling at 11 to see what was the deal. I felt bad, but I was going crazy so ... oh well he seemed to understand.

Today he is quiet, I said I needed him to talk to me some, I said I was sad and scared and just needed a little slack, I couldn't help it I cried a bit, not a lot, but some, he came and gave me a hug, and held me for a tiny moment. It helped, he said he is trying, he just looks sad. But then that is what happens. He had a counseling session last night, he generally is pretty quiet after those.

I had a good cry on the phone to my Mom and was finally able to kick myself in the butt and when he came home from an early chore I was doing something constructive, a good thing I think.

He wants to take the kids to a movie this afternoon, he asked if I minded if he took them alone, and I said no, that was fine. I guess I have to just accept that he wants some time with them with less pressure from the whole relationship thing.

I really wish I knew what made him change, he seemed better a couple weeks ago, then the OW contact and now he is doubting things again so much. I really thing the "arguement" he had with her sent him reeling. We haven't talked much about it.

I am trying hard not to freak out and look sad and such.

Tomorrow we are going to take the kids to a water park, so that will be a good distraction.

I hope I am not making things worse, I have to let go, I have to stop reading something into every move and I have to not hoover waiting for something. I am going to try really hard to not ask questions about his motivation to take them someplace alone. Part of me is scared he is going to say something to them like Daddy isn't happy, but I logically doubt he would do that because last time we did it together and we know that we have to do those things together, and we parent really well together.

I have to remember when he was steadfast in his thinking that we were going to divorce and he was planning on moving out, I was okay, at least I got to that point, I got to a place where I felt like I could handle the situtation and was feeling better about myself. I have to remember that I got there and that I can go there again if I have to.

[123snap]

I am awfully wordy today aren't I.

I have a theory, it came to me while I was out running an errand. This whole trip is due to running into the OW, and the fact that they had a fight, or at least that is what it sounds like. He has said before that everytime he interacts with her it is terrible because it brings up all kinds of bad memories that he doesn't want to go through. I think he has to deal with all the junk all over again, because it is an in you face reminder. I also can understand that there may be residual feelings for her that get stirred up and that also makes him feel bad. So the alien comes out and does a little dance on our relationship and then I get paranoid, and we all know how attractive that is.

I think it will be good to go to counseling together, I suspect we will be able to talk about some of this stuff. In addition I am hoping that we will start working on reconnecting, some day he will trust that the changes I have made are permanent, at least I hope he will.

I have a feeling this is going to be an even longer road that I thought. I have to be prepared for the long fight. Lots of biting my tongue and letting go.

Gosh and just when I really need a hug too.... figures

[stella_k]

Hi Snap!

I'm your "next door neighbour", even though I don't think I really belong here in Piecing.

Gosh and just when I really need a hug too.... figures[

I don't have any advice as I'm having a diffucult time myself, but I would gladly offer a (((((((HUG))))))) .

I hope you feel better soon.

[123snap]

thanks stella, it helps to have support. Sorry you are also having trouble

J

[123snap]

Okay all I need some advice. H is willing to work on this, but he said he needs to feel connected to me, he needs the spark, he said he can't remember what the spark was when we got together, he said we have fun together and work well together and that sort of thing, but he said we have some incompatabilities, like he is introverted and I am extroverted. He told me some things that really bother him that I do, and I am going to try hard to change those, being flirty for example.

I need to put on my big girl pants and find the best me and put it out there, if it is not going to work then, well at least I know I did all I could.

We had a really hard night, a lot of hard things to talk about, but we got them out on the table, we know the score so now we can try to work it out, he said he is going to try, he is willing to go to counseling and give this a shot.

I need help with ideas to re-ignite a lost spark.

Help please any suggestions are great because they get my mind started and headed in the right directions.

[123snap]

Update.

So after a rotten night when neither of us slept much, we talked some and both agreed that we weren't ready to make any decisions and that we wanted to go to the counselor.

One thing H told me is that he feels like he doesn't have sex, he makes love, so he really needs to feel a connection, this was what he said.

Fast forward to around 1 pm today, I get an email that says check you cell phone, on there is a text that says "I don't know what happened last night but I want you...bad right now!!!" I nearly dropped the phone. I called him and he was kind of laughing and he said again I don't know what happened, I said you woke up, he said we both did. Anyway he came home and we had sex, and I will call it that for now, first time since the bomb. Whew!

Later on this evening he mentioned that in the past when he needed a stress release tumble he didn't want me, so he would end up self servicing, today when he was feeling all the stress of the past couple days, he wanted me!! I think that this is a good start. Not going to get ahead of myself, we have work to do, but at least a baby step in the right direction. Tomorrow is our counseling session, I need to keep going the right direction and keep the PMA, work on the GAL and not not not not make assumptions, keep praying and keep on "playing it cool"

I feel better, I am not out of the woods, but at least I found a trail and maybe just maybe this one will lead out of the darkness.

[123snap]

funny how you mind gets to working isn't it

now I am feeling scared again, over analyzing, need to stop that, some things are what they are and not working under some hidden adgenda

I think the fact that he is being open and honest with me about his need and desires and how things have been in the past is a good thing

he is looking for a way to build the intimacy

I have to be open and let myself have the opportunity to build this, I have to let go of fear, it gets in the way and clouds the issues, it makes me speak before I can think about what I really want to say, not just the gut reactions, which aren't always the true feelings.

I have to be patient, understanding, loving, supportive all the good stuff, even when it is hard to be that way. Selfless, but I think in doing that I can feel better about me, I know that the fear and doubt makes me feel yucky, working and moving forward make me feel good, I don't like feeling scared and alone, I want to feel better, that is my ultimate goal, to feel good about myself. H can be a part of that, we have to work together for both of us to feel that way. I have to like me

rambling I know just need to put these thoughts down

[123snap]

The counseling session went okay, he talked a lot about some of the things he sees as incompatabilities and things that bug him, the counselor diffused it and asked him to look at how these things are with other people. He seemed pretty open to the whole thing, but still somewhat reserved.

In a lot of ways he is acting wounded, and wounds take time to heal. He needs to trust that he can talk to me about the big things.

We had dinner together after, did a little talking although the place was really really loud so it made it hard. I told him I really feel good that he is trusting me enough to talk to me about his feelings. I asked him if there was anything I could do that would make him feel good, and he said I already am by listening to him and letting him share, which is a huge thing he felt he couldn't do before.

Our homework is to make a list of ways we are compatible and share it with each other, we will probably discuss it then and also at the next session, which we set for 2 weeks from now.

Hopeful

[123snap]

why do I always panic after a long talk. I start to think that there is more, I don't trust what is said. I think it is because I have found out some stuff long after the fact. I can always believe the bad but not any of the good. I have some good things to reflect on. I am in school and will be for another nearly 2 years, H said that he thinks no matter what we should change anything (ie him move out) until I am done with school, for both my sake and the kids, they need the stability. So I need to remember that takes the pressure off, and it does but makes me dread the future as well

He is willing to work on this and talk, I know it takes him time to put his feelings and emotions into place so I can't expect break throughs in an instant. He said and yes I agree that our interlude was really more just sex than ML, and I do agree, there was something not there, it was fun, but not ML you know. However I still think that his initiation and feeling those wants was step in the right direction, he is reluctant to agree, and I suspect he is afraid of defining something and then feeling differently about it later when he has had more time to think about it.

I just crave some positive in a big way, and am having a hard time seeing the positive because I am so scared and concerned