THIS is paralyzing. I made the mistake on someone else's thread to suggest that THIS resulted in different issues for those of us who married their HS sweethearts----for those of us that didn't have a life before their H. I was quickly shot down for thinking such a thing. So, I guess it's just me. It's just that there is not enough of ME to become my own person now. This is my unique problem---not knowing who I am, what I want and how I can be happy.
You know what sucks about this BB a lot of the time? It is that people try to come on here and give good advice and then they are mocked for it.
You were not quickly shot down for saying what you said. The point I was trying to make is that it really doesn't matter if you were a high school sweetheart or if you were married for 3 years...the advice is all pretty much the same. Are the issues different? Sure. But, the DB advice is still the same.
It seems as if you are willing to toss aside advice because you can say "but it wasn't tailor made for ME."
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Where is the book that will tell me how to find what makes me happy and live the rest of my life?
That is the book that YOU have to write. I am sad that you need a script to tell you what you like. I am not being mean or facetious here-- I am sincerely sorry.
That you are having such a hard time finding who you are tells me that this is not a result of being a high school sweetheart. Plenty of people got married young and were able to continue to grow. For some reason you seem to have been stunted. Have you explored why this is?
I am not here to make you mad...so I will not post to you anymore. I really was trying to help you. I just get frustrated when I see stuff like this:
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It is not fair. I am entitled to more, but I know it doesn't matter. I did not deserve any of this. I did not deserve to have my husband of 22 years flip out and turn to someone else. I did not deserve to be lied to for 2 years about it. Bitter? I'm not bitter, I'm just sad. I'm in pain.
The pain never really goes away, but after 400+ posts and almost a year here it seems as though there could be so much more out there for you! None of us wanted to be here. We all found this site because we were trying to save our marriages. The beauty of this site is that you will get many responses...some cuddly and nurturing, some reassuring, and some a kick in the ass. I hope others here will continue to nudge you at the very least. And I say this with care and concern.
If you take nothing else from this post, please at least think about this:
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I sent him an e-mail this morning and simply asked that he not make them call me. I told him that it only reminded me that I was alone, and that I didn't need that.
Ouch. Serving up this guilt to him is not going to get you anywhere but further away. Why would he want to talk to someone who is going to say things like this?
This is not about who is right or wrong, who is hurting more. It is about what works. Constantly pointing out how hurt you are or how alone you are doesn't work. Who would find that attractive? Do you want your H back out of guilt or out of a real desire to be with you?
Look, I am not trying to hurt you. I would like to say that people gave me this same advice, but I didn't post a lot and it was hard for others to see where I was stuck. What I am telling you is the advice I needed to hear. I have been through so many of the same things you are describing. I played the pathetic soul and hoped to guilt my H into realizing that family was important above everything else. It drove him further away.
The more confident I am, the more he wants to talk to me. I can hear the smile in his voice when I answer with a cheery "hi!" instead of a quiet "hello?" Sometimes he would even say, "man, I love to hear you like this!" And yes, I am sure you will have to fake it at times. We all do. You are no different.
I have a question I would like you to think about:
What is the real reason you don't want your kids to be reminded to call you at night? You gave a couple of reasons: a. The potential guilt to them b. You don't want to be reminded you are alone
I think it is a little bit of C: You wanted a reason to contact your H and remind him again that HE is doing this to YOU.
I have a feeling that will make you mad, but I hope it will also make you think.
I really do hope for the best for you, TCBTE. I am not here to make you angry or more unhappy. So, again, I won't post to you anymore. I hope you continue to explore what makes you happy. Like you, all I ever wanted was my family. I am not coming from anywhere but the same place of pain you are.
