First of all, I’d like to tell you that I’m new to this forum and I’m from Germany, so please excuse my grammar, I’ll try my best. Of course I read both of Michele’s books and found them very helpful and inspiring because they offered me another point of view and the first ones to give me action-oriented advice. Well, here’s my story. Hope you can give me some more hints what to do next!
I’m 32, my H is 28. Although we’re not married, we were in a relationship for six years. We met each other at university, both studying at medical school, and moved together after a year. We both finished our studies December last year and started with our jobs in January. We had to move out of our apartment since it was only for students and had quite some stress with studying for our graduation and searching for a new apartment at the same time. The search lasted for almost six month until we finally agreed on a apartment we considered the best of all. So we moved in and managed to get everything done by the time we both started working. About two months later we found out that we didn’t like the apartment that much and had some trouble with the landlord, so we decided to move out again because we both agreed that we couldn’t stay there any longer. We found a nice little house close to my parents and when we had a look at it, I knew right away that this was the place where I wanted to stay and what I thought would be perfect for us. Two weeks after we moved into the house, we had a fight and my H packed his things and moved to his parents. You can imagine that my world shattered. Finally when things were improving again, after all the trouble with the moving and the landlord and the novelty of our jobs, he backed out. Now that things were calming down and we would have some time for each other again, he left. I asked him if there was someone else and he told me that he had feelings for someone. He said he couldn’t be with my any longer and that he didn’t love me anymore. He wanted to change his life and that we could have friendship but he didn’t want a relationship any longer. When I asked him what he meant by “feelings for someone” he said that he was in love with another woman and that the affair lasted for six months already. He had met her on the internet and she is just as unhappy in her relationship as he is. He had been going out a lot in the last few weeks but I thought he needed some time with his buddies because of all the stress we had and I trusted him enough to not ask him where he went and with whom. I never noticed anything. There was no change in his behavior, only he was never satisfied with anything. You simply couldn’t do anything right. We even went to our graduation with all our families and had a great time, we arranged our holidays together so we can plan a vacation and were making plans to invite our families over to the new house. Of course I did all the wrong things: begging, crying, arguing, asking for a second chance, promising him to change. Nothing worked, it only pushed him away and he told me that I should stop putting him under pressure. After even more arguing from my side he agreed to give me a second chance, after I told him that he needn’t give up the other woman for me but to let me show him that I can be just as good as her. He spent a week at the house, we went out to dinner and had a barbecue and things were going quite well, but he always told me that I had to accept his decision no matter what the outcome. Although I was never allowed to touch or kiss him or be intimate with him. So I got suspicious. Even more as he was being secretive with his mobile all the time. One time when he was gone I checked his mobile and found a message from the OP saying “Come back when you’re free.” I then realized that he never even had the intention to really give me a try. One week later I saw them walking through town, holding hands. I confronted him, while the OP ran away, not wanting to talk to me, but he had nothing to say. His suggestion was that the three of us should meet and talk about it. But what could this woman tell me? What I had done wrong and what she considered best? She even called me at home on my answering machine, asking me to call her and telling me that she was not the bad person I thought of her. From him there was only aggression towards me and he was blaming me why I never noticed anything and that I wasn’t emotional enough for him and he asked me if he was the bad guy now. I had the impression that I was talking to a complete stranger, that wasn’t the man I fell in love with.
After that, there was no contact for five weeks. Except for his clothes, all his stuff is still with me. His books, Cds, computer, DVDs etc. His mail is still coming to this address. At his parent’s he doesn’t have a room for himself, but only got his childhood bed in his father’s office. There’s no room for all his stuff. During this time, he came by secretly to pick up his mail, choosing a time when he could be sure that I wasn’t home. He also changed all our bills running on him to my name and he agreed to pay half the rent for one year. After five weeks, the first contact was per email, considering some formal stuff about our former apartment. I told him that I was sad that we couldn’t talk personally any longer. He then sent me a message when he could call me. During the phone call, I was very cheerful, talking about the things I had done and planned and giving him the impression that I was getting along just fine. Since then there have been several messages and two phone calls, but no meeting. He even tried to call my dad on his birthday two weeks ago. So far he has made no effort to get his stuff or find an apartment but he always tells me that he’s moving out for sure and that he’s not coming back. I don’t know what to think of his behavior. I just know that I want him back and that I want to give our relationship another chance. I know that it wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t bad either. Please give me some advice or comment what you think about all this!
Me -32 BF -28 together since 2002 not married no kids
I'm sorry you're here, and obviously in pain, but if you want him back you can't let him date the OW and also be with you, as you try to "win him over." Until he's willing to end all contact with his girlfriend, he's not going to be open to you emotionally -- people in affairs get addicted to the affair partner.
They didn't know until I told them. He just told them that he would stay with them for a while because we had some problems to sort out. I can't imagine that they agree with his behavior because they liked me very much and I was already a part of the family. Besides they're very religious, his father worked for the church. I realized now that he really had to give up the OW if I ever wanted to trust him again. I said this to him when I was still in the begging and bagaining phase of our separation. At the moment I'm trying the LRT and hope it's working.
TS
Me -32 BF -28 together since 2002 not married no kids
that everything concerning the house, like electricity, internet, phone, cable TV was running on his name (the name on the contract was his, not mine). After he moved out, he started changing it so everything went by my name now, without telling me.
Me -32 BF -28 together since 2002 not married no kids
Please let me know some opinions on my story! Is there still a chance? Just found out that he changed his status to single and is looking for dating on his facebook account. Does this mean he ended the affair? Help!
Me -32 BF -28 together since 2002 not married no kids
I don't have much time to post but wanted to say that it might be worth you posting in Newcomers as a newbie- there's a lot of support there. Also, listen to Puppy- he's a master DBer and gives great advice.
There's always a chance. Read the success stories at the top of the forum list. In the meantime, take a deep breath. Have you made a list of goals as recommended in DR? It's good that you're implementing the LRT. Keep posting- sometimes the boards are slow but if you post and post on other people's threads you'll get great advice.
One person you might want to check is transformer in Newcomers. Also Julia and istherehope in Separated (similar ages H's, although no OW in their situations).
Sorry that you find yourself here. Your BF might not be in a MLC but it sounds like he is in some sort of crisis where he is examining himself and his whole life, and finding out that he is not happy and he wants to make some changes. I know its really hard when the person that you love the most, can hurt you in such a way.
I can only promise that it gets better from here. To start with try reading all you can on these boards. And then start Getting A Life (GAL). Dont focus on BF and what he might be doing or thinking, or what is going to happen with your relationship. Its all so unknown. In the meantime start to think of some new hobbies that you want to do, some new places you can meet people, new goals and dreams. Pamper yourself! Go shopping! Try new makeup, hairstyles. Re-decorate a room in your apartment. You can do it!!
For me personally I had to break my life into 30 minute segments at the start. And then I would ask myself, "what is something nice I can do for myself for the next 30 minutes?" (checking his facebook status is not something enjoyable, so dont chose that!)
It is entirely possible that you will be able to attract your BF back to you. The best way for you to be attractive is to focus on being happy and knowing what you want in your life.
Hey, welcome to the board! I am sorry to hear about your H's behavior, but this is a great place with many lovely, wise people full of good advice. Don't worry about your grammar, it is perfect plus your vocab is very strong, you know the word "scrumptious"!!
I would also recommend posting in newcomers, it is one of the most active parts of the board and I think you would get more attention.
I don't have much experience dealing with an OP, so I don't feel like I have much advice to give, except that it helps A LOT to take your focus off the OP's behavior. You cannot control the OP. So worrying about what they do is not going to help. You can control yourself though!!! An attitude that helps is to tell yourself, "The OP's got nothing on me" -- there's nothing about them that's better than what I have to share.
Many people have a crisis in their late 20s. There are different ways to look at it--some people call it an early midlife crisis, others think of it as a quarter life crisis. If you're into astrology, the astrological term for it is "saturn returns". So you are not alone, and neither is your H
I noticed that after you were cheerful on the phone you had more positive responses from H. This is great! More of what works!!!
Overall, please, don't despair. Even if it your H is insisting 100 percent that there will never be a second chance, that doesn't mean that you won't get one in the end. What you need to do now is focus on taking care of yourself and making yourself happy and living a beautiful, fun and fulfilling life. It can seem impossible when your entire world is falling apart, but you can do it!
Thanks for the great advice so far! At the moment I feel like there's some light at the tunnel, at least I don't feel as devastated as I felt at the beginning. I feel like slowly taking my life back. I start to do things again that I had neglected during the R and I planned some trips to England and the USA during my days off from work. I guess the working title of my life right now is "I'll show him that I can take care of my life myself" and maybe he realizes what he'll miss. I'll also stick to the LRT as it really seemed to work. He called again on Wednesday, sounded somewhat depressed. Later on he mentioned that I seemed to be going out a lot lately and that I'm not home very often. Hah! On the other hand I noticed during the call that I really don't know him right now. It was like talking to a complete stranger. There were even moments when I didn't like him at all. He sounded so arrogant and harsh and I only thought: what happened to the soft and gentle man that I've fallen in love with? Where did he go? And his he still somewhere inside? Feels like I'm having Dr.Jekyll as BF and Mister Hyde has taken over...
Me -32 BF -28 together since 2002 not married no kids
plus your vocab is very strong, you know the word "scrumptious"!!