The Four Phases of SSM Recovery

[Bagheera]

I've now been hanging about this SSM forum for about 9 months. While I am neither a -really- old timer nor an overly prolific poster, I am starting to see a pattern emerge in all of the various situations presented here, which I thought I would share with you. Feel free to join in this discussion, correct my misconceptions, or add your own observations.

This is written from the standpoint of the High Desire (HD) partner, caught in a sex-starved marriage to a Low Desire (LD) partner, and who comes here looking for a way to repair the relationship and restore the lost intimacy. From what I have observed (both here and in my own situation), this journey encompasses four phases:

Phase 1: Heal Yourself

Many folks come here angry, hurt, frustrated, and bitter, and are desperately seeking a way to improve their spouse. "If only my spouse would turn on to me sexually, I would be happy again," is the common refrain. So the first truth that must be digested is: the only person you can change in your marriage is YOURSELF. You cannot fix your spouse, and cannot wait for them to make you happy. Initially, you need to focus your energies on improving yourself, for yourself.

This means taking care of yourself physically: eating right, dieting if need be, exercising regularly. This means taking care of yourself mentally: putting new energy into your chosen career, picking up old, neglected hobbies again or finding new ones, getting out of the house more, staying active, revitalizing old friendships or making new ones. This also means caring about your appearance and hygiene: adopting more effective or thorough grooming habits, adopting a new hair style, improving your wardrobe, taking time to pamper yourself with trips to the spa or salon. All the while, your background focus should be on appreciating YOURSELF, boosting your own self-confidence and self-image, and placing your own happiness in your own hands.

A side benefit is that all the while, you are also making yourself more attractive to your spouse. They will stop seeing you as that "angry jerk" or "nagging bitch," and start seeing you again as a happy, self-assured person -- an improved version of the person they were originally attracted to. Your spouse will also feel as if a great weight has been lifted from their own shoulders, as you are no longer depending upon them for your happiness. This sets the stage for Phase 2.

Phase 2: Learn to Meet Your Spouses Needs

This phase might be divided into two parts: (a) education and (b) real giving (to use SG's terminology). Sex-starved marriages ALWAYS involve a failure of TWO (2) people to understand and meet the needs of their spouse. It's rarely one-sided, and while the HD spouse who comes here can point to the failure of the LD spouse to meet their need for physical intimacy, it should be taken as a given that this same HD spouse has, in turn, been failing to meet the needs of their LD spouse.

Very often this failure, on both sides, is wrapped up in the frequently profound differences between men and women. People are often so caught up in their own point-of-view that they completely miss the fact that men and women think, talk, act, and response emotionally very differently from each other, and have very different needs with regard to feeling loved and feeling sexual. Therefore, educating oneself about the opposite sex in general, and about your own spouse in particular, is vital toward solving your sex-starved marriage.

Once you start learning what your spouse's true needs are with regard to friendship, love, and intimacy, the next step is to begin meeting those needs: WITHOUT expecting anything in return. You are showing them that you have a (most likely new-found) knowledge of them and what they need to feel loved and supported, and that YOU are willing to meet those needs --> perhaps for the first time in years.

You are proving to your spouse that you have turned over a new leaf and are willing to work hard to improve the relationship. And it has to be seen as an earnest, long-term effort -- not some short term 'fad' in order to get sex -- but a real effort from the heart.

Phase 3: Get Your Spouse on Board

This is, perhaps, the most critical phase of the four listed, and how you go about it is situation dependent. The most crucial aspect of this phase, in my view, is to have completed Phases 1 and 2 FIRST. If you jump the gun, if you still appear to be angry and demanding, if you still appear to be dependent and needy, if you still appear to not understand your partner's needs, or if you still appear to be selfish and only interested in your own needs: you will most likely fail here. Lay the groundwork carefully and properly.

One effective vehicle for approaching this step is to have your spouse read Chapter 1 of The Sex-Starved Marriage. If the stage has been properly set, then your spouse may be receptive and really GET the message and understand what you have been going through. Other spouses may respond well to a request to start counseling or sex therapy together. Still other spouses may requires some form of "kick in the pants," ultimatum, or what have you, to get them moving, but this ought to be a last resort technique, after the above two have not worked.

Every marriage, and every situation is different, so you'll have to decide how best to proceed. Just make sure that you have done your part to 'get on board,' before asking your spouse to do so.

Phase 4: Working Together

At this point, your spouse will need to go through Phases 1 and 2 on their own, following your lead. They have, no doubt, come to the table just as 'damaged' as you once were, and need to spend some time focusing on themselves and their own self-confidence and self-image. After that, they will have their own education to go through in understanding the opposite sex in general, and you and your needs in particular. All of this takes time, love, and patience on your part.

Along the way, you can follow the guidelines laid out in The Sex-Starved Marriage, pick up some other useful self-help relationship books, attend marriage counseling or sex therapy -- whatever it takes to keep the ball rolling forward. Educating yourself and your spouse in sexual techniques and variety is often a part of this stage too -- everyone can always get better in the bedroom. Be prepared for setbacks and stumbles, sudden surges forward followed by weeks of stagnation -- it's all a slow, often unsteady process. In general, expect repairing your relationship to take about 1-2 months for every 1 year of marriage.

Finally, never forget that a successful relationship and sex life requires CONSTANT, daily maintenance. Communicate clearly with your spouse every day. Court your spouse every day. Show your spouse appreciation and thanks every day. Affirm the attractiveness of your spouse, in your eyes, every day. Maintain a high level of emotional intimacy and sexual 'tension' every day. You get the idea.

Marriage is work -- hard work -- but well worth the rewards.

Best of luck,

Bagheera