First Post - Advice on a nightmare with no end

[Livin4ME]

((Jimi))
I was reading your posts and was going to reply to you, then I read your last post and ABSOLUTELY HAD to reply!!! I have been there. In fact, the words are identical!!!!!
My H and I seperated a year ago. He flip flopped back and forth between me and OW. He kept saying, he wanted to end things with OW on HIS terms. When HE was ready to do it. He wanted to be with me, but he 'didn't want to crush her anymore than he already had.' And the whole time we were still being intimate and such.
So, normally, I would push and push. Me and the OW would meet, or someone be in contact, or something. I would talk about him ending it with her, that type of thing. ALL IT DID WAS PUSH HIM STRAIGHT BACK TO HER!!!!! We would end up back in square one, fighting, not speaking to each other and when we were around each other at family events and such, you could cut the air with a butter knife!!! I wonder if maybe when your wife says something about 'sabotaging' maybe she means you contacting the OM and telling him what has been happening between the two of you? That would mean you were the one to end it with the OM, not her. I say that because I have done that and all it did was the opposite of what I wanted it to.
I got the same type of responses of he's a cake eater and such. I received so much good advice and information from here. But like a previous post said, you are the only one who knows your wife and your sitch, just because it worked for one person, doesn't mean it will work for another.
So, at the beginning of July, H started talking about reconciling again. Instead of continuing the conversation like I normally would have, I would just say 'ok.' I didn't urge him to end it with her, I didn't beg him to spend more time with me. I just said 'ok.' I let him talk. MIL asked me one time, why are you being so nice to him!? I told her, I've stopped being an enemy and started being his friend. I let him talk. I never brought it up. He would occasionally talk about OW, but not too much. I didn't and still haven't brought her up. The only time she has been mentioned is when he says something about her and it's very brief and it was to give me an update because she was supposedly pregnant.
So at the beginning of July he started talking about reconciling...he has now been back home for almost a month. He left her. Moved back home. Not at my urging. I had nothing to do with it. He just up and informed me one day he was moving home that night.
But it started out just like your sitch now. We started talking on the comp again. Spending more time at family events together. Talking on the phone again. Hanging out at my house. It because physical between us again. Not once did I bring her up tho. It killed me sometimes! It really did! And I still haven't.
So in my particular situation, that is what worked for me. I felt that if he was with me and I brought her up, instead of thinking about me while we were together, he would think about her. That's the last thing I wanted him to do. He still thought about her sometimes I'm sure, but not because of me.
I was fine with 'being the other woman' while he was with her in July because I knew they wouldn't last. Most affairs don't, just like DB says. Of course, the other thing that helped me was that our D was to be final at the beginning of August and I threw my white flag in. I FINALLY stopped trying to fix the relationship and started to fix me. I, like you, lost a bunch of weight, started taking care of myself, started getting ready to go back to school, started really GAL. And I had decided, we only have a little bit more time left 'together', so I'm gonna enjoy that time. I want things to end on good terms with good memories instead of bad ones.
It's funny cuz I was able to fix our home PC and he asked how I was able to do it after our IT friend couldn't. I told him one day he would realize just how good I am!
I'm sorry if I highjacked your thread, that was not my intent. I just didn't know how to tell you about it with out actually TELLING you about it, ya know? You are not alone. You now know that someone else has heard THE SAME EXACT THINGS!!! And I'm fairly certain there are others!!! You can do this. You know your wife. You know the sitch. You will know what to do.
A wise fish once said...Just keep swimming..Just keep swimming!