Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I went last nite.... Alanon I believe it is called when you are the significant other of an alchoholic. I went feeling very embarassed. I left feeling like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I walked in skeptical.... how can this possibly help. I am strong enough to get thru this on my own. I dont need others to help me.
I post on another support group and when I posted the long ugly blow out he had... she recommended I go to a meeting.
I called immediately. I then was "worried" about it all day.
OMG~ My hubby is an alchoholic.... what if I see someone there that I know? I mean my life is an open book but this is very personal and I felt like a failure. A failure for loving someone who right now has no love for himself... My eyes were opened alot.... he is helpless and right now the "BOOZE" is running his life he is a passenger and he isnt driving. If he doesnt wake up soon he is going to lose his Family. I am commited to living. It was as if I have been holding my breath for years now. Waiting to live. Wanting to live but afraid at the same time.
So much of what you have said about him before makes sense now. What has been swirling around in his head is booze. If he would only stop numbing his spirit by drowning his sorrow with a drink he may find the happiness in his life.
Maybe the break with his FOO is causing him to feel so much pain, he just doesn't know how to deal with it. Then he'll drink to try to stop his pain as this is the only way he knows how to stop the pain. I'm not making excuses for him and I still don't understand how he cannot find this comfort with you.
All we can do is to pray for him to heal. Pray for him to see what a blessing he has in his wife and children. The happiness for him is waiting right there in front of him if he will only open his eyes to see it.
Cinco
You just reminded me... I am Catholic. I am going to church to light a candle for my H once a week. And really pray for his healing for him to find his highest truth. I prayed for this everyday when we were seperated. So I deep down know/feel I am A PART~ *OF* his highest truth... Meaning I am who will love his wounded soul enough not to turn my back on him. To be the light at the end of the day that he needs to keep going. I love him unconditionally. And now I need to love him enough to let him fall flat on his face... to find his way back to sanity.
I used to think if I called to check on him that meant I was showing my love.. I was caretaking his drinking....I could go on and on
And when he no longer needs my light to light the way?
He will shine on his own and we can share our light together.
I was only at this alanon meeting for @45 minutes... But it was as if the light was turned off and someone turned it on and I can see more clearly. RE! his drinking. I am going to keep going and reading more on it. Yes the FOO stuff is killing him and he doesnt believe in reaching out , that is his problem.
He even asked in his tyrade.. oh so you think God would help me to feel better or differently? I calmy said yes I do.... He thinks he can fix evrything. He does not want to be vulnerable ever... when he is it is delicious. I have seen this part of him on occasion.
He even asked in his tyrade.. oh so you think God would help me to feel better or differently? I calmy said yes I do....
Ali, you are so right on this, it is so true. Do you remember my early postings? I had turned away from my wife, my family and God. I was like your husband in that I had the door closed tightly. How could God help me with my problems? Only when I opened the door a little and let God back into my heart, did see any hope for a change in my life and it started with Him. When I allowed and accepted His help, I did see how to find the answers for happiness.
I too had to hit rock bottom before I cracked my door open just enough to let Him in. God was there waiting for my darkest moment and through His love for me, lit the way to seeing Him once more and to finding the answers I was seeking. I am now lighting the way for my wife, helping to find her happiness. I see it growing in her each day now.
Ali, keep lighting a candle for your husband and praying. He may see the truth in what you are saying and showing to him one day. You are a blessing to him even if he doesn't know it yet.
Ali - is this the post you are referring to where you posted a link to the other site with your pictures? Is it somewhere on these pages? I am sorry I didn't quite understand what you said on my thread and where to find the right post?
Thanks everyone for your support. I do think that my healing has begun and I hope to stay on this path. I want to feel grounded and not for anyone but me this time. I did alot of work and I am better. But I can still be "pushed" and fall over sometimes. And while I dont want to be made of steel I am tired of being MRS NICE GUY.
I have struggled with this my whole life.. and putting others first.... I matter too... I have to get this thru my thick skull. Once and for all.
I teach it to my kids and my 2 older boys have great self confidence.
Me it comes and goes? I am human I guess but I still need to work on this. Find alot more me time. And not feel one bit of guilt for it.
I have been 'talking' @ this for awhile now. I just need to do it. I went to WEIGHT WATCHERS this morning....
I am very excited .... I dont want to keep going up and down and up and down with my weight nor with my life. I need more discipline and at the same time to let go and have more fun . If that makes any sense....
You are a very strong, loving (and forgiving) woman. You have proved that to yourself and to your husband. Of course you will always be (as we all are) a work in progress and don't ever forget that. Its actually what makes life worth living.
But... IMO you now have to step back and take a very serious look at the situation that the new, impoved Alimari is in.
Specifically, you need to look in a very objective way at the man you are with - not who you would like (and I've no doubt you deserve) him to be - but who he actually is right now.
Judging by what you've said here recently, he's a drunken and selfish jerk. He needs to get some serious help. He needs to work on himself (probably a lot). HE does.
You need to make that crystal clear to him.
And next time he speaks to you like that... DO NOT then have sex with him. That's not loving or forgiving - its enabling and rewarding him for unacceptable behaviour. But I think you already know that.
Do you have supportive family members or friends living nearby yourself?
I'm really praying for you.
Remember. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. AND YOU WILL BE FINE.
S&A
Thank you for this... and yes I have much to think about. How would YODA say it? Trying to be funny.... in light of the fact that it is not by any means funny.
I told the ladies, last nite , at the meeting, what breaks my heart the most, is I may have to say good bye, GOODBYE~ to a Man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. and that is heart breaking, devestating.
Its like you work really hard to build ... re~build.. this beautiful house. You put your heart and soul into and you spend years working on it... and then someone tells you , You cant live there... it has black mold.
ME? I would try to find a solution... is there one? Or just walk away from it.
For now I will give him time...but in the meantime... I will not bend over backwards for someone who wont do the same for me. I am exhausted from trying so damn hard.... he needs to learn to love me the way I am.
I LOOK FORWARD TO THE DAY WHEN IT ISNT SO COMPLICATED. When I am filled with gratitude. ONLY I can make myself happy that is true.. but when you have someone dragging at your feet it gets harder everyday to just feel Happy.
Come give us an update Ali...its hard not to worry about you, being in your situation. I know you love H but I am afraid he might do something crazy sometimes. We want to know you are ok!
