Ready to GAL...Drop the Rope...Detach..2...

[ddstartingover]

I walked 2 miles at the gym yesterday, followed by about 30 minutes of weights. I kept busy for the day, did not contact H. When he e-mailed later in the day to ask when D15 was done with softball, I replied with just that. When he brought her home, I invited him to dinner. He came for dinner, ate and left with the kids. An hour and a half later they called to tell me goodnight.

I woke up alone this morning. An empty house. The kids called on the way to school to tell me goodmorning and that they loved me. S9 asked me, again, if I was ok.

I told H that I did not want him to make the kids call me. He told me that he appreciates having them call when they are with me---and wants met to remind them to call, but I thought I made it clear that I did not. I sent him an e-mail this morning and simply asked that he not make them call me. I told him that it only reminded me that I was alone, and that I didn't need that. I also told him that they won't always be able to do this, and I don't want them to feel guilty on days that they can't call.

It breaks my heart every time my S asks if I'm ok. I have to lie and say yes, when I really am not.

All I ever wanted was my family. I never wanted more than to devote my life to my kids. I knew that the first time I looked at my D15. I've lived for that and that only since. When I stopped working outside the home, I never looked back. I never planned on anything or for anything else.

So now, here I am. I'm 43 years old. I do not know who I am. I don't know what I want out of life other than to not be alone. To not be without my kids. I have people here telling me to get over it, move on, stop acting like I'm entitled to something. I know I can't have H now. I know that I don't want who he is now anyway, but why should I have to give up my kids. Why do I have to give up the only thing I knew and know that I want out of life?

I asked H to let me keep them during the first 2 or 3 weeks of school, and it resulted in a series of very hateful e-mails with H accusing me of wanting him to disappear out of their lives. I have made it clear to him that I do not want that. I have not limited his visits here. I always welcome him whenever he wants to see him. They come first, and always will. But yes, during this series of e-mails I reminded him that OW was in the picture and that all of THIS was related to his issues and what he wants. And for this I get the deserved 2X4's.

The person that H is now is not the person I have loved all my life and loved me. The person he used to be would not want me to be in this kind of pain. The person he used to be would not think it was ok to let me be alone.

It is not fair. I am entitled to more, but I know it doesn't matter. I did not deserve any of this. I did not deserve to have my husband of 22 years flip out and turn to someone else. I did not deserve to be lied to for 2 years about it. Bitter? I'm not bitter, I'm just sad. I'm in pain. I don't know how I can do this. I know I can't change any of it. I know there's nothing I can do for anyone but myself. But, where is the step by step manual to help me do something for myself? Where is the book that will tell me how to find what makes me happy and live the rest of my life?

I went to the state park and walked for 2 miles today. I cried for the majority of the walk. I tried to pull myself together when I passed people on the trail, but I'm sure it was obvious to anyone that looked.

THIS is paralyzing. I made the mistake on someone else's thread to suggest that THIS resulted in different issues for those of us who married their HS sweethearts----for those of us that didn't have a life before their H. I was quickly shot down for thinking such a thing. So, I guess it's just me. It's just that there is not enough of ME to become my own person now. This is my unique problem---not knowing who I am, what I want and how I can be happy.

Pathetic? Yep. I know it.............do I want to change it and turn this all around---YES. But how in the hell do I do it????