Well, as providence would have it W came back this morning. So, I talked to her in the kitchen.
Told her she had to go because she crossed my boundaries by having an affair. Her counter arguments were:
W: it's not like that, you don't understand.
Me: Yes it is, I'm not going to live with you while you're commiting adultery
W: (rolls her eyes) you don't know what it's about.
Me: Ok, tell me you're not having sex with him
W: I don't have to tell you anything. It's not what you think.
(more wasted time while she avoids the answer)
Me: I don't care, it's an affair and I told you I wouldn't go through it again like I did 3 years ago with OM-1. You need to go.
W: (Angry) Well I'm not going to go because you're not well, you were drinking the other day and I can't leave the girls with you like that, you're not well.
Me: I'm quite well and this is what you've been laying on me for years "You're not well, You're not ok" Well I AM well and I AM OK. I am going to AA to remind myself of how bad life COULD be. I'm determined to keep my kids safe from this crap. I guarantee you this is the turning point for me. I won't live like this any more, I won't be disrespected.
W: (goes on about 10 times to argue that she doesn't have to leave, I can't make her leave, etc)
Me: W, I set my boundaries and you crossed them. You have to leave. I won't live like this.
W: Well YOU crossed mine by drinking the other night.
Me: Um, that's not quite the same as adultery. (she get's all angry at me using that word)
We have more discussion about the past, she tells me how she did all these supportive things and that 'she couldn't help me' and I tell her that I understand that, and I forgive her. That it would have been good if she had gotten outside help. Then she says "Well I was so depressed, I didn't know what to do". I told her I understand she's been depressed. She then says she's not depressed any more.
Me: I see so much negative energy when you are here
W: I don't have negative energy, I'm happy and positive now.
Me: Ok, but you still need to go. I won't live with you while you carry on with affairs. I have my career to rebuild and I won't have you in my life because it continues to tear me down.
W: (crying now) But when will I see the kids?
Me: Any time you like. All I ask is that you call me in advance so I can leave the house while you're here. I won't be around you unless I have to. I can't allow any more of this negativity to affect me. I'll never, ever stop you from being in their lives because I lost my mom when my parents got divorced. Our kids love you and they need you to be in their life. I want you to be in it as much as possible.
W: And I want to take them to school in the morning...
Me: That's fine, just don't come in the house and clean or feed the animals, just pick them up and go. (we have an African Grey, A Conure, A sheperd and a beagle.)
W: Well when will I get to visit the animals
Me: Whenever you come to visit the kids. Any time you like.
W: I have nothing, I can't afford a place for them to stay with me.
Me: Well, first get a place for YOU now and then work your way up to a bigger place. We can't live like this, I WON'T live like this. Just go. Come and visit the girls any time you like, just call me in advance so I can leave the house because I don't want to see you.
I did say a few times that she had told me that she had 'couches lined up to sleep on' back in February so she should call on those favors. I was also kind of a jerk once and said "And I bet you have a bed lined up with OM"
I also told her I want the Prius keys, she argued that it was 'her car too because half of everything is hers'. I said 'yeah, but I'm the one who sits in my office worrying how to pay for it'. I didn't push it.any more than that.
I ended the conversation by telling her "I love you, I think we should be working together to make our family function but I just won't live like this any more so you have to go"
