I haven't posted to you in a while.....mainly because I don't think you were interested in anything I said to you. This culmination of events......this 'car crash'....has been so obvious for some time now.
I agree with Puppy. Whatever you say about giving up the drink...and your ability to do so...I still think you need help. Even alcoholics can start and stop- once an alcoholic ALWAYS an alcoholic. I feel so sorry for what your children are going through. I saw MY father, (another over achiever), do much the same. Whilst I love him greatly, he screwed up my mother's life and he damaged both my sister and myself by his actions. My mother never went off with another man but I wish she had gone and found happiness elsewhere. Having said that she is nowhere near as 'flaky' as your W seems to be from your descriptions.
You often complain that your W doesn't support you. I agree that when we marry we hope that we will marry someone who will be of support during the bad times. But you W sounds weak and not strong enough to be able to give you the support you seem to think you are entitled to. And yet even knowing that you don't seem to be able to call it a day. You appear to be addicted to het also; another thing that is toxic too you. See a theme here Frank?
You need to sit back and take a long hard look at things because much of your life seems out of kilter- you seem to be a man prone to addiction and extreme. You stumble from one crisis to another - where is the moderation in your life? The balance?
I have followed your threads on and off and one thing that always shouts out at me is that you say over and over again that you are a good man.....but it never feels like you believe it, Believe in yourself Frank - please. Others near you at home might start to then .
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Well, as providence would have it W came back this morning. So, I talked to her in the kitchen.
Told her she had to go because she crossed my boundaries by having an affair. Her counter arguments were:
W: it's not like that, you don't understand.
Me: Yes it is, I'm not going to live with you while you're commiting adultery
W: (rolls her eyes) you don't know what it's about.
Me: Ok, tell me you're not having sex with him
W: I don't have to tell you anything. It's not what you think.
(more wasted time while she avoids the answer)
Me: I don't care, it's an affair and I told you I wouldn't go through it again like I did 3 years ago with OM-1. You need to go.
W: (Angry) Well I'm not going to go because you're not well, you were drinking the other day and I can't leave the girls with you like that, you're not well.
Me: I'm quite well and this is what you've been laying on me for years "You're not well, You're not ok" Well I AM well and I AM OK. I am going to AA to remind myself of how bad life COULD be. I'm determined to keep my kids safe from this crap. I guarantee you this is the turning point for me. I won't live like this any more, I won't be disrespected.
W: (goes on about 10 times to argue that she doesn't have to leave, I can't make her leave, etc)
Me: W, I set my boundaries and you crossed them. You have to leave. I won't live like this.
W: Well YOU crossed mine by drinking the other night.
Me: Um, that's not quite the same as adultery. (she get's all angry at me using that word)
We have more discussion about the past, she tells me how she did all these supportive things and that 'she couldn't help me' and I tell her that I understand that, and I forgive her. That it would have been good if she had gotten outside help. Then she says "Well I was so depressed, I didn't know what to do". I told her I understand she's been depressed. She then says she's not depressed any more.
Me: I see so much negative energy when you are here
W: I don't have negative energy, I'm happy and positive now.
Me: Ok, but you still need to go. I won't live with you while you carry on with affairs. I have my career to rebuild and I won't have you in my life because it continues to tear me down.
W: (crying now) But when will I see the kids?
Me: Any time you like. All I ask is that you call me in advance so I can leave the house while you're here. I won't be around you unless I have to. I can't allow any more of this negativity to affect me. I'll never, ever stop you from being in their lives because I lost my mom when my parents got divorced. Our kids love you and they need you to be in their life. I want you to be in it as much as possible.
W: And I want to take them to school in the morning...
Me: That's fine, just don't come in the house and clean or feed the animals, just pick them up and go. (we have an African Grey, A Conure, A sheperd and a beagle.)
W: Well when will I get to visit the animals
Me: Whenever you come to visit the kids. Any time you like.
W: I have nothing, I can't afford a place for them to stay with me.
Me: Well, first get a place for YOU now and then work your way up to a bigger place. We can't live like this, I WON'T live like this. Just go. Come and visit the girls any time you like, just call me in advance so I can leave the house because I don't want to see you.
I did say a few times that she had told me that she had 'couches lined up to sleep on' back in February so she should call on those favors. I was also kind of a jerk once and said "And I bet you have a bed lined up with OM"
I also told her I want the Prius keys, she argued that it was 'her car too because half of everything is hers'. I said 'yeah, but I'm the one who sits in my office worrying how to pay for it'. I didn't push it.any more than that.
I ended the conversation by telling her "I love you, I think we should be working together to make our family function but I just won't live like this any more so you have to go"
I have followed your threads on and off and one thing that always shouts out at me is that you say over and over again that you are a good man.....but it never feels like you believe it, Believe in yourself Frank - please. Others near you at home might start to then .
You did very well Frank. She is right in that half is hers.
Make a promise to yourself to stay away from the sauce for life. I kind of understand what you are saying about AA. I fully support you stopping it without their help. I stopped drinking 15 years ago because I saw myself getting hindered by alcohol - I quit on my own and have held the pledge to myself to never touch the stuff ever again. My father did the same. My brother tried the AA and rehab and it did no good - it was only when he hit rock bottom and was going to get thrown out by his wife that he stopped for good. You can do it too.
Are those parrots noisy? Can they talk? Do they annoy the dogs?
That was tough to read ,I can only imagine how hard it was to actually do. You did good on setting your boundaries. It obviously scared her, but it needed to be done. They are living in a fairy tale. It is time to wake up and live in reality.They need to understand how their actions affect everyone else.As long it is done in love, no problem. No malice.
m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
That took courage, my friend. Courage. Anyone who has filled out D papers when they love their W...know this pain.
I empathize with you frank, but, was there really any other course for you? She was continuing to hurt you under the guise of still being married.
Marriage isn't a free lunch ticket.
It's not a trapeze net to fall back to when crossing boundaries.
It's not a place where we hurt the person who built a home with us..who we created life with.
It's a commitment...it's a choice....it's a life...that WE decide to enter into....to share life's challenges and GROW with.
And, sadly:
Originally Posted By: David Cunningham
...sometimes when they become destructive, we have to fire them for their lack of support
As you have said to me over and over, "I think you've done the right thing."
Supporting you. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
W came back a little later all angry, telling me that I wasn't going to 'take the house from her, that she gets half the equity'.
I told her I had no intention of taking anything from her that it owed her. I said that right now our net worth is negative and I can turn it around which will help HER out too.
I said I'd help her pay off some of her credit cards when I get my income up.
I told her I love her, I don't wish her any ill will, I won't steal any equity from her, I just won't live with her while she's having an affair.
She said that she would try to find a place to go.
Then she went for a walk with D17. She's back now and I see she is on the phone with somebody. I expect her to push back again but I'm standing my ground. Lovingly, demanding respect.
For the first time in my life, I'm asking for what I want, no, demanding what I want without feeling guilty about it. I'm not a victim any more.
I feel sad, hurt and empowered. I know I did the right thing because I did it with tough love, not anger.
I don't know if this is an LRT, or just me protecting myself from prolonging the hurt. We'll see.
So, pray that she doesn't keep fighting me but instead just leaves.
