Your post really hit home, because I had a bit of an epiphany over the weekend: I realized that I'm struggling with loving myself because I hold such a high expectation of perfection in myself...I've let go of much of my expectations of perfection in others, but not so much in myself. I just can't seem to really LOVE me if I'm not perfect. And darn it, I'M NOT! So I start feeling anxious and frustrated and insecure. All because I'm expecting too much and being too prideful in that expectation.
I mentioned it to H, and he just smiled. I think he has known that about me all along. And in a less-aware way, I have too...it's just been getting out of hand lately. So, I really appreciate these comments:
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Job was a knight of resignation. He kept plodding, trying to show he was good, and good enough. Abraham was a knight of faith. Abraham threw himself into the paradox and contradictions, understanding that he couldn't understand. Which are you?
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you should become self-validating, instead of other-validated. You love because you want to, not because if you love, then you will be loved by the other. You are good enough because you think you are, not because you're other tells you that you are.
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So love yourself, stand on your own, then give as much as you can, knowing your ultimately alone...I know this may sound like a bummer, but it's reality, and it's really rather beautiful if you look at it right.
Yes, ultimately, the responsibility for happiness is my choice. I am and will be okay with or without H...or anyone else for that matter. I am alone in that regard. The more I can learn to truly love myself, the better off I will be. That is a powerful truth. As for being really alone...I believe I'm never alone. My Savior is by my side. Truthfully, my R with Him is affected by my lack of self-love...I struggle with understanding/accepting how can He love me if I'm not perfect. Nevertheless, it is comforting to know that...that I'm not alone.
