I think you might want to just deal with one thing at a time. Try to get her to move out first. Save the D talk for some other day. You might not want to use the word adultery or affair or infidelity - "dating" is probably a better word to use.
You have to be prepared for if she says no.
I disagree. "Affair" is the word to use, because that's what it is. Or, "I will no longer allow myself to live in an open marriage."
Agreed with PDT. The pdf...exposing it is what kills it for them. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...or TELLS YOU IT IS A DUCK...then.....FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
You guys are right about calling a spade a spade. No need to sugar coat it. I just had some hostility from my W when I used the word "affair". Looking back, it seems she could not handle the truth.
I am trying to find the link to the pdf you guys refer to. It sounds like a very enlightening read. Are you able to post the link without it getting censored? Is it from the womens infidelity site?
You guys are right about calling a spade a spade. No need to sugar coat it. I just had some hostility from my W when I used the word "affair". Looking back, it seems she could not handle the truth.
Oh, trust me, she will HATE it. But waywards are so self-deluded, that it's important that you be very concise and clear with your langugage. Please don't misunderstand: you do NOT accuse them with "YOU ARE AN ADULTERER!" or even "You're a LIAR, and a CHEAT!" (ahem -- I did that once, and in front of my kids, too, and I apologized to both my wife and children for it ) . . . but you SHOULD use the word "affair."
Puppy, we're way beyond that 'helping' the marriage. For the past 3 years I suffered from PTSD and severe depression and anxiety.
I went to an AA meeting tonight, like AmyC said, just to be around people. I don't identify well with AA tenets like 'powerlessness' because I am a type A over achiever in my 'normal life'.
I can stop drinking, I've done it before. What I have the most trouble with is carrying all the stress of our relationship. She doesn't know how to be supportive, and our last breakup / affair 3 years ago was 'fixed' because I did all the work.
That's the real problem in my life. I don't love and respect myself enough. I'm a 'nice guy'. That has to end.
Frank,
I'm sorry, but as the child of an alcoholic, I have to cry "bullchit" on this one. "I can stop anytime" is a classic deflection of an alcoholic. I am NOT excusing your wife's behavior, but I do think this may be a real obstacle to her feeling safe to work on the marriage with you, just based on what I've read about your sitch.
I would encourage you to keep up with the AA, but for YOU, not for her.
Agree...the answer is YES to the PDF question KerryK. Sgct may have left the link up on my site since it was a discussion we were having. I summarized a lot of it on my last 2 threads...even quoted some stuff limited with sg's permission. I would be happy to pass on the info except for the inability to post emails. Frank knows mine if any of you know how to reach him.
That PDF was a major turning point for me..it explained entirely my W's pattern of behavior. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Many know that frank helped save my life. Many know that I met him last week in CA and we had dinner together. I admire Frank. He's a good man.
Dear Frank,
The first line that you wrote me when others asked you to come into my thread almost 2 years ago was:
Originally Posted By: frank_d
Were you always this boring?
It hurt frank...but...I didn't understand what you meant, then, nor did I realize that, in a way, you weren't really implying that I was boring. You were trying to open my eyes.
It's my turn frank..and I apologize. Were you always this wimpy?
Frank..you saved my life. It's my turn: -how long are you going to suffer like this? -how long are you going to let her continually break you? -how long are you going to expect that she is going to come back to you with the status quo? -you say you can stop drinking..but..you keep doing it. Once every 6-8 months is NOT abstinence. -read the PDF again...is she looking at you as pathetic? you are know you are in that 'limbo'...remember her advice to break it?
Frank...why are you letting her destroy your spirit?
Why?
I give my W credit for saying ONE correct thing to me frank. When she finally retained an atty, I told her that this may NOT be the best time financially to do this. She responded:
Originally Posted By: FIB's W
There may NEVER be a good financial time to do this.
Frank...I've heard all your reasons...and IN PERSON...why this is NOT a good time to do anything. There may never be a good time, but, I am watching the slow destruction of my friend....occuring in front of my very eyes.
She is destroying you frank. I agree with the statements above from all your supporters. You know...we all want to save marriages here. You know that better than I. Personally, I feel great happiness for anyone whose sitch takes a positive turn...EVEN if it makes me feel like a failure for losing mine. But watching my good friend take a repetitive beating...is becoming painful.
I think it's time for you to make some difficult decisions frank. I think it's time for you to protect yourself...mostly emotionally. I think it's time for you to put fear aside and save yourself...or there won't be much left for the birds to pick on.
That PDF was a major turning point for me..it explained entirely my W's pattern of behavior. FIB
Thanks FIB. I've read some of what you have posted and will take the time to read it all. Very interesting stuff.
As for divorce busting emails, there is the alternate site where we all see each other and can post without censorship along with private messages. Just google Kalni Sunshine and you will find a lot of DB posters. There is even a DB group there.
) . . . but you SHOULD use the word "affair."